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48 Public Reviews Given
61 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Kat ! I found this item from the request review page.

This was a good start to your autobiography. I assume, by seeing that you have put this in under chapter form, this is going to be a novel?

What I liked about this is that you have a clear organization in your chapter and you know exactly what to write, so that makes it easy for the reader. You also did an excellent job in your spelling and grammar—well done!

Here are a couple criticisms I have:

*Bullet* The main problem with this chapter, is that you show instead of tell. Like I said before, this is a good basis for your chapter but you need to show things to us, so the account comes alive to the reader.

*Bullet* You need to describe the characters, surroundings and feelings. This lets the reader get to know the narrator and the characters and makes it more enjoyable. A particularly interesting part I thought you could show the emotions more, is when you find out that your mother has been having seizures. You must have felt very upset and worried for her – let the reader know that!

Here are a few errors I found:

*Bullet* Once upon a time I lived

Should be:

Once upon a time, I lived

*Bullet* In the evenings

Should be:

In the evenings,

*Bullet* When I was at home I

Should be:

When I was at home, I

*Bullet* his 78rpm records

Should be:

his 78-rpm records

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON![/c}

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
2
2
Review of Phoenix Intro  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Billi ! Thanks for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

This was a very vivid and quite mysterious beginning to your story. Phoenix is a very interesting character and I am intrigued as to what goes through the boy’s mind. Seeming as this is an introduction, I can’t criticise properly yet, but I do wonder what the school kids do call him? “Hey, you!” perhaps? *Bigsmile*

Here are a couple of errors I found:

*Bullet* a headbanger

Should be:

a head banger

*Bullet* His jet black hair

Should be:

His jet-black hair

*Bullet* he was so cold, nor why he

Should be:

he was so cold, or why he

*Bullet* of the school- staff included- would

Should be:

of the school – staff included – would

I give you:

*Star**Star*[e:star}[e:star}*Halfstar*

WRITE ON!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
3
3
Review of Hiding  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Ripple ! Thanks for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

This was an interesting start to your story! I like your main character, Tyrai. She’s someone I can definitely relate to, as I am myself a quiet, reserved person who loves books. You’ve created a different but believable world for your characters. I can’t wait to see what magic has got to do with the plot!

Here are a few criticisms:

*Bullet* I suggest that you change the formatting slightly by double-spacing the paragraphs so it’s easier to read on a computer screen.

*Bullet* The transition to where Tyrai leaves from her tree to going to the tree house isn’t perfect. I suggest that you include a sentence that shows that she’s moving.

*Bullet* I think Tyrai needs to have more of a severe reaction when she’s told that she has to marry her distant cousin. She does seem angry but doesn’t say anything to her father. Also, is there any reason why Tyrai hasn’t known until now?

*Bullet* I think Thaki needs to be more apprehensive when asking Tyrai for lessons to read and write and Tyrai needs to put up a bit more of a fight. At the moment, Tyrai simply asks why and then excepts—remember Thaki is a guy who has been annoying her for ages!

*Bullet* You do a good job of showing instead of telling for the most part. However, there were certain parts that seemed a bit rushed. No particular scenes stick out so much but you may want to reread your piece and decide which parts need to showed more.

*Bullet* Your description so far has been okay but I think you need to do more describing on the characters. I don’t really know what most of them look like!

*Bullet* The part where we find out that Padrak had murdered people without reason doesn’t really make sense to me. How did he get away with it? Are there any authorities on the Island? You need to include this.

*Bullet* When people are shouting in speech, it is slightly putting off the reader if it is in all upper case. I suggest that you include more descriptions as to how a person said something to make it more effective, but still getting your point across.

Here are a few errors I found:

*Bullet* palm trees and huge cocoa trees and

Should be:

palm trees, huge cocoa trees and

*Bullet* leather bag which she

Should be:

leather bag, which she

*Bullet* her on the ground as she balanced

Should be:

her on the ground, as she balanced

*Bullet* because it implied that the tree house was not hers alone, that it was someone else’s as well, and she didn’t like that.

This is a bit too wordy and hard to read. Perhaps you could omit a few words while still getting you point across. Like:

because it implied that the tree house belonged to someone else as well, and she didn’t like that.

*Bullet* But in her heart she

Should be:

But in her heart, she

*Bullet* he wasn’t very trained

I’m not sure what you mean here. Do you mean:

he wasn’t trained very well

Or:

he wasn’t trained much

*Bullet* the week-long visit

Should be:

the weeklong visit

*Bullet* but” he said,

Should be:

but,” he said,

*Bullet* that.“First lesson

Should be:

that. “First lesson

*Bullet* a week or so he mysteriously

Should be:

a week or so, he mysteriously

*Bullet* for a moment as he looked

Should be:

for a moment, as he looked

*Bullet* romantic like that which Tyrai

Should be:

romantic like that, which Tyrai

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello TR Hanley ! Thanks for requesting a review from "Curse and Possession, Chapter 1" .

What an eventful beginning! This definitely hooks the reader in – I’m dying to find out what exactly Loriana was plotting. The descriptions of the fire were brilliant, I especially like this phrase:

Roaring flames licked with hunger at the few remaining walls

Great imagery!

A couple of criticisms I have:

*Bullet* You need to watch out for the passive voice. You used it an awful lot throughout the story and it would be more affective if you put it in active. For example:

Her fine gown was ruined from the inferno that even now still raged.

Should be:

The continually raging inferno ruined her fine gown.

Do you see what I mean?

*Bullet* Remember that people don’t always talk in full sentences. This was especially apparent in:

"What was this all about?" the friar asked…

…"It's about Loriana," he answered in a puzzled tone.

All you need to do is say Loriana and the reader knows what’s going on.

Other than that, your chapter was great. I found no errors throughout it. *Smile*

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!
5
5
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Jennie Josefiak ! Thanks for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

Personally, I think this a solid starter for your story. Spelling and grammar wise, you’re almost perfect (see below for the errors I found) which is great.

Here are a few criticisms I have:

*Bullet* I think the whole thing could have been a lot longer than it was. Honestly, the piece felt very rushed, as there is a lot to explain and four paragraphs isn’t doing your piece justice.

*Bullet* You need to show instead of tell. It would have been interesting to see what the meeting between the narrator and her true love and how their relationship had progressed from there.

*Bullet* You need to explain the feelings of the narrator so the reader gets to know the narrator better and gets to know their personality.

*Bullet* What does everyone look like? What are the settings? Using descriptions helps the reader picture what is going on and therefore enjoys the story more.

Here are a few errors I found:

*Bullet* If that isn’t luck I sure

Should be:

If that isn’t luck, I sure

*Bullet* standing on my tip-toes looking

Should be:

standing on my tiptoes looking

*Bullet* Unfortunately he wasn't looking

Should be:

Unfortunately, he wasn't looking

I give you:

*Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!
6
6
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello chris walls ! Thanks for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

What a plot! You definitely have thought this through very well and it seems you know exactly what’s going to happen in each scene – that is a great tool in writing! Another thing I liked was the description of the dead-wolf, especially the eyes.

Here are a few criticisms I have:

*Bullet* At the last minute, Will Evertee changed his mind and blew the door off its hinges with a swift push of air.

To begin with, I was rather confused. It’s fine if you want to begin with a bit of action, if anything that’s good as the reader is more likely to want to read more because they want to know what happens next. However, there were some questions that immediately sprung to my mind. What was Will originally going to do? Where is he? What was he doing before then? I think you need to answer these questions to prevent confusion.

*Bullet* As I’ve said before, it’s great that you’ve got a solid plot and from the sounds of it, it’s very detailed. However, don’t feel as though that you need to cram all the details in the prologue. To me, the third paragraph didn’t seem to flow with the rest of the scene and felt very forced. I think you need to give that information the reader gradually in order to prevent it feeling detached from the rest of the story and makes the reader want to read more.

*Bullet* I don’t know about you, but if I’m being told that my parents had been taken, I’d feel quite upset and possibly angry with the person who had taken them away. I think you need to either explain to the reader that Will can’t be upset in this situation because it’s so dangerous or could describe how hurt he is but tries to hide it from the dead-wolf.

*Bullet* As I briefly mentioned earlier, you need to describe the characters’ emotions more. For example, what was Will’s reaction to the dead-wolf that it was time to die? Was he ready for battle, scared, anxious? I also don’t quite understand how he’s spellbound by the dead-wolf’s eyes. Doesn’t he know that he’s about to be attacked or has he never come across a dead-wolf before?

*Bullet* You need to describe what a demon looks like so the reader can picture the characters better and what’s happening.

*Bullet* Eigil thought. ‘The wood-elves were cunning, and very resourceful. Hopefully these cubs will listen, and do as they’re told. Otherwise,’ Eigil thought,’ this will be a long day, and maybe even a longer night.'

You don’t need to put Eigil thought twice. I also think you need to put the thoughts in italics like you did in the prologue so it’s more distinctive to the reader.

*Bullet* Little did he know just how well it would serve them before the night was through.

This part feels rather detached from the rest of the paragraph because I thought this part was in Eigil’s point of view.

*Bullet* I don't think E is an appropriate rating for this novel. Have a look at "Content Rating System (CRS)"  for more details.

A few errors I found:

*Bullet*“So boy....... where

Should be:

“So boy... where

*Bullet* entire family," The dark

Should be:

entire family." The dark

*Bullet*“Why are you here death-bringer?”

Should be:

“Why are you here, death-bringer?”

Seeming as you make this mistake throughout the story I’ll quickly explain the rule to you. When you address someone at the end of a quotation, you have to put a comma before the name, or in this case death-bringer. *Bigsmile*

*Bullet*“Where is my parents death-bringer?”

Should be:

“Where are my parents, death-bringer?”

*Bullet*' By the bows

Should be:

'By the bows

*Bullet* ear splitting howl

Should be:

ear-splitting howl

*Bullet* the northern most village

Should be:

the most northern village

*Bullet* either from his deeds, or the legends

Should be:

either from his deeds, or from the legends

I give you:

*Star*{e:star*Star*

WRITE ON!
7
7
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello there sunsbabe . Thanks for requesting another review from "Invalid Item" .

This is was spot-on! I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter; I am interested to see how Jack and his son’s lives are going to entwine with Josh and his family. The description in this chapter was perfect and you set the mood very well for the reader. I really like the back-story with Jack’s father and I can’t wait to see how it develops.

I have only one criticism:

*Bullet* However old she was, he had a strange vibe about her. She seemed like a girl who could get any other guy in trouble. She had pretty green eyes.

The last phrase in that paragraph seemed rather forced, perhaps you could put something like this instead:

However old she was, the woman gave off a strange vibe. There was a glint of mischief in her pretty, green eyes that told Jack that she could get any guy in trouble.

Though, that’s just my suggestion, you don’t have to take it. *Smile*

Here are a few errors I found:

*Bullet* catfish, crab and the

Should be:

catfish, crab, and the

*Bullet* racially-charged

Should be:

racially charged

*Bullet* name calling

Should be:

name-calling

*Bullet* Unsippable isn’t a word. Do you mean thick or something like that?

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
8
8
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello {suser:sunsbabe13]! Thanks for requesting a review from "Invalid Item" .

This is a great beginning to your story – is it a novel or novella? I also had a look at your first chapter, which is a lot shorter than the second is. The text was spot on – just like an advert that you’d see everyday. Well done!

Now onto the chapter you asked me to review, that too is very well written. The descriptions are very clear and easy to read, making it very enjoyable. The characterisations are so far very good without being too forced, if you know what I mean.

The only criticism I have is to be aware of the ‘show not tell’ rule. This is the beginning of your story so I’ll accept that the reader needs a quick explanation of what has happened in the past. But be careful when you go on to write future chapters!

Here were a few errors I found:

*Bullet* I’m looking for,” he deadpanned

Should be:

I’m looking for.” He deadpanned

*Bullet* He pat the dog’s

Should be:

He patted the dog’s

*Bullet* floor boards

Should be:

floorboards

*Bullet* wait till

Should be:

wait ‘till

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!
9
9
Review of My Special Guy  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello again little debbie ! Thanks for submitting your poem to "My Special Guy" .

I liked the rhyming and rhythm of this poem as the length of the lines were the same and the rhyming didn’t sound at all forced. I like the story behind it as it is well thought-out and theme for the poem is very strong.

However, I have the suggestion as I did for your last piece "Invalid Item" , you need to show and not tell. Imagery is needed even more for poem and in this all there seems to be is explaining. For example:

Even though sometimes
He tends to be a liar.

How is this the case? What happened? How does this make the narrator feel? You need to include things like that.

Here are a few errors I found:

*Bullet*There is this guy I really love
Marcus is his name
No one else is
Quite the same

Should be:

There is this guy I really love,
Marcus is his name.
No one else is
Quite the same.

*Bullet* I enjoy talking to him
We have lots of fun
But we are both taken
What I should do is run

Should be:

I enjoy talking to him,
We have lots of fun,
But we are both taken.
What I should do is run.

*Bullet* Maybe its true
Forbidden love is the best
It doesn't compare
To any of the rest

Should be:

Maybe it’s true
Forbidden love is the best.
It doesn't compare
To any of the rest.

*Bullet* He makes me laugh
He makes me cry
I love him so much
I could never say goodbye

Should be:

He makes me laugh,
He makes me cry.
I love him so much,
I could never say goodbye.

*Bullet* That he has my heart on fire

Should be:

That he has my heart on fire.

*Bullet* Love with Lust

Should be:

Love with Lust.

*Bullet* But he is also my best friend
And no matter what becomes of us
I will be here for him till the end.

Should be:

But he is also my best friend.
And no matter what becomes of us
I will be here for him ’till the end.

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!
10
10
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a beautiful poem.

Lovely imagery in the third stanza with the rainbow being “God’s promise”.

The only criticism I have is that the first stanza doesn't really feel like a beginning of a poem, perhaps if you were to add a first stanza describing how your sister was the sunlight and then add her illness was the storm, then it would be slightly more affective. This is, of course, only my suggestion, you don't have to take it.

You know, this piece reminds me of the quote:

Nobody wants pain but you can't a rainbow with a little rain.

Have you heard of it?

I give you *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*

WRITE ON!
11
11
Review of The Labyrinth  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey DarkScribe !

You’ve got a really interesting poem here. I love the imagery, I can honestly say that I’ve never thought that a labyrinth is like a person (with all the twisty-turny things like people’s moods? Eh, you describe it loads better! *Bigsmile*)

As for criticism, I think the only thing you need to change is the second to last line. I think it’s too long for the rest of the poem so how about changing it into two smaller lines, like:

When I step outside this entanglement
That intrigued me for so long

That way it flows better with the rest of the poem but doesn’t feel as though it’s a line that has purposely been split.

Another alteration I’d make is that I’d move this line to the end of the poem:

My Goddess, the labyrinth

I’d do this because the labyrinth is the title of the poem so it seems fitting to but it at the end of the poem.

I give this poem *Star**Star**Star**Star*!

WRITE ON!
12
12
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings from "We luv in depth reviews! Contest" , BABYGIRL !

The Beginning

*Star* Your title and description is very good, the only error being that Alzheimer’s needs an apostrophe. Other than that, perfect for attracting the reader!

*Star* Your first paragraph goes straight into the action, and creates a very relaxed atmosphere with Jake in his recliner and Mary humming the old song. A good start but within the third paragraph we know that Jake probably has Alzheimer’s (or even sooner than that, depending if the reader has read the description!). Perhaps, you could include a flashback where Mary tries to talk to Jake about Alzheimer’s, but he gets mad. That not only makes it more interesting for the reader, but it gives an idea of what the characters’ personalities are. Another thing you could do is give another example where Jake forgets something so it gives an indication that he may have Alzheimer’s without just simply telling the reader.

*Star* Another thing that might be effective for the first few paragraphs is to show this bit through either Mary or Jake’s point of view. This way the reader can get to know one of the characters better and they can quickly sympathise with Mary or Jake when Jake is told he has Alzheimer’s.

*Star* The bit where the old couple starts crying because Jake has forgotten now many kids he has has the potential to be very moving. However, because Jake and Mary start crying so quickly into the story, it doesn’t give chance for the reader to feel anything for the characters yet. So my suggestion is to use a flashback as I’ve said before and/or make that particular bit more descriptive and slowly make the characters start crying.

*Star* It’s a bit confusing when you quickly go from one set to another, I suggest that you use stars at the end of the conversation between Mary and Jake so the reader knows exactly what’s happening.

*Star* The doctor scene seems a bit rushed; perhaps you could describe what is happening a bit better or cut it out all together? This way you could start that scene from where Mary is driving them back to the hotel and one of them starts thinking about what took place at the hospital and then Jake says that they need to make some big decisions quickly.

*Star* I love the relationship between Mary and Jake – it’s so sweet! You’ve captured a great element in story writing there – well done!

The middle

*Star* Once again, quite a lot of telling and not much showing. I recommend that you describe more because then the reader will be able picture what is happening more easily in their minds.

*Star* I’m not trying to sound harsh, but all the children feel very 2-D in the scene where Jake is telling them that he has Alzheimer’s. Especially since there are five of them, it would make sense that they have distinguishable differences in their reactions to this news. For example, you could use

*Star* In one paragraph you say that the couple spent a lot of time in bed talking to each other, it would be really interesting if we saw one of those and would produce a lot of effect in this short story.

*Star* I love the fact that Mary seems to be the tower of strength in the whole of this piece. The reader really starts to feel for her and I have a feeling that you enjoyed writing her very much!

*Star* For the children to sound more realistic, I suggest that you have lots of back-story for the children, even if you don’t use it all it’s still useful to have some.

The end

*Star* I think what would’ve made this story better is if you were to describe the surroundings and what people look like a bit more. Also, everyone seemed to talk the same so it wasn’t easy to see what the different personalities were.

*Star* I’m rather confused, if Mary was the rock when Jake was dying, how come she has a nervous breakdown when she dies? Also, how does that add to the plot?

*Star* I don’t know much about Alzheimer’s, but surely there are other signs than memory loss! If there are, I don’t remember you including them.

*Star* I know that you’re probably sick of hearing me say this by now, but there is a lot telling instead of showing in the end, especially when Jake dies. To me, the end feels very…rushed. It’s almost as though you got sick of writing this story and ended it very quickly (no offence, of course!). I suggest that you seriously consider re-writing this part as I definitely found it the most confusing part of the story. In some places, your pace is very slow, like the beginning for example, but in others, especially the end, the pace was too fast to enjoy the story.

*Star* That saying, you last paragraph was sound. I especially liked the last line. Perhaps if you read the first and last paragraphs (my favourite bits!) you could keep to a certain style and pace, which would add effect and make the whole piece much more moving.

Technical bits

*Note1* she made them some lunch

You don’t need wordiness like that

*Note1*“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to startle you. What were you thinking about so intently?” Mary asked.

Jake took her hand and said, “That song you were humming made me think

You need to make a new paragraph whenever anyone new starts to speak and it would be useful if you could leave a line so it’s easier to read.

*Note1* Mary asked, “What’s wrong sweetheart?”

Make sure you leave a gap for speech and remember an apostrophe when shortening “what is” to “what’s”.

*Note1*“I’m confused; you said five kids

*Note1*Dr. Davis

Remember the gap after Dr.

*Note1*“Alright, make the call,” Jake sadly said

Remember that you only use a full stop inside quotations if there is an action after it. I know it’s really easy to get punctuation wrong as it’s really easy to miss but I recommend looking carefully at the punctuation in a book.

*Note1* Let’s

Remember the apostrophe when shortening “let us” to “let’s”.

*Note1*Won’t

Remember the apostrophe when shorting “will not” to “won’t”.

*Note1* Alzheimer’s

Remember the apostrophe in Alzheimer’s, especially since it’s the main theme of the story!

*Note1* Mary said, “Yes

Make sure the first letter is a capital when starting speech.

*Note1*and it’s in its late stages

Remember that “it is” is short for “it’s” and “its” is only when it is possessive.

*Note1* Remember to leave a space after every comma, full stop and when starting speech.

Overall impressions

I quite enjoyed this piece, however as I’ve said before, the bad grammar was distracting and pace altered too much throughout the story.

If you have any questions on what I’ve said then please do not hesitate to ask!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello!

You’ve got a good story here.

There are just a couple of mistakes:

*Star*computer screens which

Should be:

computer screens, which



*Star*two dozen

Should be:

two-dozen



*Star*shields which

Should be:

shields, which



*Star*autopiloted

Should be:

auto piloted



*Star*newly-assigned

Should be:

newly assigned



*Star*force which

Should be:

force, which


*Star*Red-T nodded, "Yah."

Should be:

Red-T nodded. "Yah."

Apart from that it was a good story, a bit confusing at times but still good.

I give you:

*Star**Star**Star**Star*

WRITE ON!

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14
14
Review of As Time Expires  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm sorry that I haven't reviewed -- I've been really busy. But let's not talk about me, let's talk about YOU and what you can do to make this better than it already is.

I love the emotion at the beginning -- well done! The last line ended the story brilliantly:

As time ran its course, only a champion remained.

I just caught a couple of mistakes:

his fallen grand mother;

"Grand mother" should be one word.

“Come on Eric,” his younger siblings clenched each

After the quote is a verb, so you need a full-stope instead of a comma.

I give you 4.5 stars.

WRITE ON!

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#854212 by Not Available.
15
15
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very interesting idea. When I voted it was intriguing to find out that 13% of the voters would rather not rate an item than give a bad one. Very good poll.

I give you 5 stars.

WRITE ON!
16
16
Review of Brink of Insanity  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is lovely! I really like this; I especially like the last verse:

Don’t care what they think,
I’m still on the brink,
of insanity.

This is so emotional, I wish I had more to say about this but I can’t.

I could only find one mistake; ironically, even though I am a very picky person, it was my favourite verse that needed a quick fix. You don’t need a comma after brink.

I give you 4.5 stars.

WRITE ON!

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17
17
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was lovely, pheonix18. I can't think of anything to say, to be honest. I loved this poem to pieces, thank you for letting me read such a brilliant poem. I give you five stars. I'm terribly sorry that I couldn't give you any constructive criticism.

This review was brought to you by:

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18
18
Review of Fallacy  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Whoa, this is long! I have never read anything so long on Writing.Com ever. But I enjoyed every minute of it. the description was good and the characters were different and Fiur had an accent, which is not something you see that much of in original writing on the Internet, I don’t think. These are the mistakes I found:

if the trades right

Should be:

if the trade’s right

Or

if the trade is right

em’

Should be:

‘em

most ladies standards

Should be:

most ladies’ standards

robed mans face

Should be:

robed mans’ face

magic,” he gave a hesitant laugh, “ juggling

Should be:

magic—“ He gave a hesitant laugh “—juggling

he said taking an offered

Should be:

he said, taking an offered

Edurum guffawed, “yes much

Should be:

Edurum guffawed. “Yes much

Her Father,

Should be:

Her father

princess,” he mused, “One more

Should be:

princess,” he mused. “One more

,” his voiced had risen

Should be, (I think, I am not too certain on this one):

,” his voice had risen

He gave a reassuring smile, and asked, “am I interrupting?”

Should be:

He gave a reassuring smile, and asked, “Am I interrupting?”

Apart from those few things, I really like this piece. I am in love with the last paragraph. Good. I give you 3.5 stars.
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