That was a magnificant read.! I love the whole piece. Definitely worth procrastinating on my AP calc homework! (haha) But even more than that, it's deep and I rather hope it was not a reflection of your own childhood.
Here are a few bothersome or marvelous spots for me:
p(paragraph)1- "stone and iron fireplace"- I can't pinpoint it, but everytime I try to read it aloud, it feels a little akward
p1-"95...89...100" - is the 89 to add irony since that's the day something caught on fire? If that number was higher, I think it would be better- it kind of destroys the efect for me having such a low number. Maybe make it 91? Just so it's in the 90's. The whole .99 used in stores actually works.
p1-"Justice is blind to truth and attentive to charisma"-I adore this!! May I quote you?
p2-"to dry up and pretend never happen"- should be be to dry up and pretend nothing ever happened? I'm not quite sure what you mean by this part of the sentence.
p3-"purred its" - should be it's
p4-"My father’s scowl was attached to the two punches hanging at his waist, waiting to be thrown." - I ABSOLUTELY love the "two punches hanging at his wasit, waiting to be thrown". It took me a second read to really appreciate it, but it is quite brilliant!
p4-"My heart-print Payless sneakers punched the earth as my legs pumped to the
rhythm of my pounding heart." -While I absolutely adore your aliteration, I don't much like that you used punched again.
one last thing, please indent your third paragraph? =)
I'm not too emotional, but right now this poem just hit the spot. You made me cry by stealing the words right out my mouth. I also love the style of the poem and how it's simple but just so deep. Maybe I'm blinded by the same yearning that's in the poem, but I think this is an incredible poem!
There are far too many "games" and "this game, this dance, this dangerous game" particular. The fiftha nd sixth line seem rhymed by force. I also don't like "renewing ourselves anew" there's too many news there.
However, I absolutely love the idea behind it. I love the first and last verse and the first two lines of the third one. The content is quite true.
I am truly enamoured by your poetry! Do the emotions in them come from within you or from without? As in, where does your inspiration come from?
I really like the overall structure of the piece. The increase of lines in each stanza to a peek then back down. The only line I'm not too fond of is "Tears falling.. mud on me". Otherwise, its great and somehow you always seem to rouse sympathetic emotions from me.
Wow! That was amazing. I can truly say that I can relate to the feelings you wove through the poem. It's very genuine!
I only have one little criticism. The last two lines don't conform to the style of the rest of your poem. It's much more wordy. Even still, it is a wonderful poem. This is the first piece of writing I've read on WdC. Hopefully everything is at least close to as good as this!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elyana
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 3:07pm on Jul 03, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
