Hello
so I totally loved the premise of this story. I like how the mother sends the daughter on her way, albeit unwittingly, to recapture her passion. I like how someone at the end has the compassion to help her fix her dreams. The only thing that left me a bit lost was the character herself....I don't have a good picture of her in my head. What does she look like? What kind of music major is she, a geek/nerd, a Goth, a very proper Lady, ?? that was the only thing that popped into my head when I read this. Thanks for sharing, happy Author day!
Erina
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Hello there
First, I really liked how you had the short story in "Dear Diary" Format....unique and original, to me. I am assuming that the contest wanted something short, so for as short as it was, I was able to get a sense of the character and the place. Because it is short, I got like a 2D image of the scene and the person, but all in all it was nice and to the point. I had just one question though: when doing my own diary, I tend to do more of a narrative format.....this format seems like it wants to be narrative, but isn't quite. So other than that one thing, really great story and thanks so much for sharing!
Erina
Hello
I totally loved this....I had guessed in the beginning that it was a "ghostly" camera, but the last quirk at the end, where the man was in each of the ghostly pics, was unexpected and really cool. Technically speaking, the whole thing was great, had a good pace....the only thing I might add would be a little more depth and complexity of the main character....it's like the camera is the main character, not the man. Or, maybe that's how you meant it? Anyway, this one was fun.....thanks for sharing!
Erina
Hello Ben
As always, your poems leave me at peace and wanting more! So, you are one of my nominated authors, hope you don't mind being on my handle today!
As for the poem, you picked a stanza structure that was hard for me to get "into" and I had to read it a couple times to get the right meter. However, once I did that, it was really nice to listen to. I love the imagery that your words put into my head, and I sent the link to a friend of mine who is having a hard time of it. I also put the link on facebook, I hope that is ok. It will just come to here, so you have all credit and all that.
So I'll let ya go, thanks so much for sharing, it made my day, sick as I am!
Hello there
So, one of these days I have to get the poetry review cheat sheet and do a poetry review from that, but I have a really good (bad?) cold and I'm going to go off the cuff, I hope you won't mind.....
First, the structure of the poem to me was good. I am total crap when it comes to picking out technical names for different poetic structures ( I grew up in the "it must have meter and rhyme" era) but this one has a nice cadence to it and it also has great readability to it. When I read it (though not out loud, or I would croak it out) there was such great emotion mixed in with a really good structure. I felt that this was a well fleshed out, well thought out and well written poem.
I am afraid I can't give you technical "do it better" feedback, but I can say I really liked it and put it in my favorite.
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Hello
I think that this is good advice to get people started with reconciliation. The only thing I might have added would be to see a trained marriage and family therapist and perhaps even begin group work to help add the "socialization" element necessary in healing relationships. Personally, I have taken the attitude of dumping the $$##@ but for those who can see past the mistake and realize the person is greater than the bump in the road, good for them.
Sorry, that wasn't much of a review as feedback from a consumer. On the technical side of things, I would say that you have a nice beginning, middle and end to the piece but that you might flesh it out a bit more with professional help. Also, I thought that the gentleness of your approach was admirable and wholesome especially with regards such a painful situation.
Ok, well thanks for sharing and welcome to WDC!
Erina
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Hey there
So I am a self-avowed consumer of poetry, not a true critic....so here's my two cents for what that's worth and there ya go.
This poem is a painter of pictures. I can see the dream, the vision, that you are describing. The emotions are valid and I understand them, was able to identify with what you wrote. And at the end, I wanted my own hidden valley where I could melt and hide from despair. So as a consumer, this was really neat. Thanks for sharing!
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Hey there
What a fun read! This really made my day.....
Ok, I liked how you developed three different characters within one story in like, two sentances each and then further developed them with action: how they reacted, what they said, why they said it. I learned a lot from you in that regard, so thanks!
I also liked how you set up three scenes, different from each other, relatively quickly, like a good black and white sketch that allowed you to be oriented to the story within the story at a given time.....I didn't feel lost, but sucked into the main point of the work right away, so well done there.
I also liked how you had respect through this whole thing. I had expected three radical points of view to make a really sharp contrast, but instead you picked three sets of ordinary people, you captured how they would have thought in real life. The people you chose to portray here were American's that anyone could identify with, and I was really happy reading about them...these were people that, although an opinion might differ, these were people I would be proud to stand with in case of any public crisis. They were identifiable I guess is what I'm getting at, so that was really great here.
There is not a lot here I would improve. You wrote for the contest, you did a good job, you were short, to the point, got your characters to tell the story and you finished it very well, again with respect at all times. Bravo!!!!
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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I really liked the imagery you put in this peace: There was every color for the painters palette... was really neat to read. The way you described the storm was also neat to read.
For character, I assumed that the character was you, but from pure readability I thought that perhaps a small description of the character woven into the description of nature would be really neat as well.
Other than that, I can't think of anything at the moment. Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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I think that you have a lot to say in this piece, to be perfectly honest with you, and that is why the lower rating, because I really think that the bare bones you have here could be really blown out of the water if they were fleshed out. Although these are totally my opinions, here's my two cents worth:
You start off in a curious, almost narrative philosophical light. I would end the same way, just from pure standpoint of readability, and even though you may not truly have felt that way......the character you have here is someone that we can all relate to and, even if you had to fabricate a bit, if you could let the character be still curious and philosophical again, with almost a "damn the torpedoes" attitude that she started off with, it wouldn't feel like such a let down in the end. That's like almost harsh, but I really was rooting for the character while she was taking charge of her life....so like as an ending, from my perspective, I was almost expecting the character to pick herself up and get a'goin' again despite the odds and what the doctor says. So, its not like I'm being mean (or at least I'm not trying to be) but that was what I had been expecting.
Anyway, like I said, this is a really neat story that I think can be developed a lot...to really good and inspirational results. Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Hello again
I think that overall your writing has the same flair for pointing out the underdog and illustrating their emotions and feelings and seeing the world through their{/b} eyes that Charles Dickens does.
The only thing that I can see to help this piece along a bit would be a little development on the main character. It's like I can see the character from everyone else's eyes but I cannot see the character as she sees herself. I hope that makes sense. Like, I want to know what her sensory perceptions tell her about the world around her. When people see her as a girl/mute/strange child what does that make her feel about herself? You illustrate the people around her very well, I think, by using her to provoke their thoughts, and I can see the person through those thoughts. But I want to see more of this special little girl, I guess, the way she sees herself.
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Just for accuracy, scalped is not the same as having hair cut short. Taking a scalp is literally taking a human beings scalp off their skull....for war trophy's in the old French and Indian war days (if you'll pardon the expression, that's what historians still call it) they just took a small portion off the top of the skull, and hair never grows back. Again, just for clarity's sake, I am thinking that this takes place in England, by the currancy being a shilling, or an English colony using a shilling for money, and using the term "scalp" is a term used in the Old West for the most part....so it almost seems a conflict in terminology and cultures, to me.
I am not being picky, I am terribly sorry if I seem overbearing, but when the main character complains about the work at hand, from what I understand of child slave trade, especially for those children who have known freedom before, they grieve over the loss of freedom, not that their back is out of place.
The only other thing I would suggest would be the development of the main character with regards her relaitonship with her father, which she seems to have, and why her mother (it appears) sold her off to the place where her freedom was lost.
I think that this has the bones to be a really great piece, it has a lot of conflict and the character is strong enough to strike out on her own and make a life for herself. With development, I think that this could be a really neat story.
Good luck with your writing efforts! As always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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I like the general overall point of your story. I like how you portrayed the girl talking as being completly misunderstood and no one was getting her story, her point or anything like it. I agree with you that it is sad that stories with powerful meanings can be lost in the next storm of the newest Blackberry. This reads like a true to life story, is it?
Take care, and as always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful.
Erina
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I liked how you described Spring withouth really saying "spring" by the clues with the flowers. Very creative!
A little bit wondering with the background, I'm not sure if it can be done, but from pure readablity standpoint, it would be easier to absorb if it were a little bit more succinct.
I think you have a great main character. I think she could survive a lot of hard times and come out the better for it. I think she is worth a really good man to love her. I think she is ready for action and a great adventure. So to answer your question: I say go for it, see what happens at the end of the journey!
Take care, and as always, my comments are my opinion only and never meant to be hurtful.
Erina
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Hello there
Well, this is a very silly story, and it has its sarcasm as well. The only thing that I could put to it was:
I found you use word had a great deal....I have the same problem, but I have found if I put everything in the past tense without using "had" it flows better. I think this story could benefit from it as well.
Thanks for sharing, as always, these are my opinions and not meant to be hurtful.
Erina
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Hello there
What a lovely, lovely story about your mother. I feel like I already know her, and I know nothing about her at all, demographically anyway. But you have done such a nice job with a verbal portrait of your mother's heart and her intentions. You were able to be adult enough to love your mom again, and you portrayed this hard growth experience with a fine hand, not harshly as some might feel the need to do. I think this was very loving ly done and a fine representation of a woman who obviously reared such a good, responsible, impressive man. Thank you so much for sharing your mom with the rest of us!
Erina
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Hello there
I wanted to let you know this is a very honest, raw poem. My heart hurt for you reading it though, and unfortunately the wounds you have received because of people who are supposed to love everyone, but only if those people are in a "box" they can understand. I think you are quite right, many Christian faith rules are absurd, and very arbitrary. Many of them border on archaic. Some even crossed that border! I think your poem is a great way for people to understand that gay people, or people with piercings or pink hair or whatever, are all able to feel cherished by a True Higher Power, whatever name that Power takes for name. I hope that you are able to find a place where your heart and spirit-place are all just as cherished as you the person, regardless of how "out of the box" you are.
Blessings,
Erina
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Hello there
This is a nice coming of age poem. It seems to be one that would go with your passion rose very well, in my opinion. The rose is very lovely by the way. Regarding this poem, there was only one part that threw me, and it could very well be my own uneducation regarding poetry, but when you talk about the woman in the lighhouse...are you speaking about your "other" self the one you are going towards, in the lighthouse or another spirit woman so to speak? Just wondering, could be taken a couple of different ways.....Thanks for sharing, and as always, my opinions are mine and never meant to be hurtful.
Erina
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Hello there
The poem brings me to wonder about person who is really in that environment of boredom, booze, frustration and fantasies waiting to be put onto paper....who is the man behind the mask? For me, this poem does not really explain the man.....it shows me the persona the man has. Who is the son and what does he mean to the father? What does the fifth mean to the man in context of his life? What does the wine say about the man....is it a cheap one or is it a vintage that allows the drinker to think of sun kissed vineyards and smiling women whose faces are hidden under straw hats? Why does the man have such a hard time with what appears to be writers block?
So to me, for a poem about a person, it serves to ask more questions than answer them. Or perhaps, that is what you mean to do?
Regardless, these are just my opinions and are never meant to be hurtful. Thank you for sharing....
Erina
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Hello there
This is quite the project. Here are my thoughts, and as always, they are simply my opinions and not meant to be hurtful!
Ok. To me, this runs as a powerpoint slide show. In fact, I think this would be very good as a slide show, with pictures and shown in a lecture hall type of thing. This would also make a really good treasure and seek picture book, you know like the Wizardology or Dragonology books, where you go through the book and look into letters pasted on the pages and stuff like that. I think it could be really fun if you structured it right. thanks for sharing.....
Wow.....I have a love for military poems and this one was far out!
I think that the line which got me the most was:
"Amongst children who'd suffered more than we could bear"
It is so easy to forget that the general term "soldiers" are the ones who are old enough to fight and die for their country but are not legal to drink a beer. This is such a reminder, and I don't think that I will forget that line for a long time, if ever. It really struck a cord.
Thank you for sharing. I wouldn't change a think. This is a heartfelt, lovely, loving and instructive poem. It is educational and a call to action at the same time. In school, this would be a perfect "social marketing" piece. Thank you thank you for sharing.
Blessings.
Erina
Hello
Welcome to writing.com!
This is a neat, poignant thank you that I think whomever it is meant for will treasure.
Technically, there is a nice and clear, to me, beginning, middle and end. The end was nicely brought up to from the beginning, foreshadowing I believe it is called. I think you packed a great deal of emotion and thought, philosophical thought, into a few words. They were tight, succinct and well thought out. This was fun to read. Thank you for sharing!
Erina
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Bravo! This was a nice bit of philosophy with righteous indignation thrown in with it!
I have to agree with you that the perception of the sound, or any known fact I think for that matter, is what determines what we say "happens" or not. And, as you illustrated here, sometimes the solving of one question leads to the reframing of another one that someone else can answer. Takes me back to Logic 101.....lol
This is excellent. Not just technically (and I have to admit I really love reading the "old fashinoned poems, with rhyme and meter!!!!!!!!!!) but visually and emotionally and this is just the nicest piece I have seen you write on this forum.
Why do I like it? It is honest. It is engaging. It is something that actually happens, so there is earthy-ness to it that lends it authenticity. There is a portrait that I see when I read it. This is a heartfelt poem written by a vet and I thought it really described what is really going on in a soldier's heart. Thank you for sharing. :)
Erina
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