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Public Reviews
1
1
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"Roads taken from despair
weary loads, no pillow in sight."
Might a semi-colon fit well right after despair?

"dangerous, more pay, less workin time."
If you're intending "working" to be read and sound like "workin" to fit with the tone of the poem, an apostrophe would be appropriate immediately following the "n".


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

"The past never rests
it cracks, bruises human flesh.
Lives on in inheritance,
ghosts of old fears and joyfulness"
I particularly love this stanza; how it's worded and the imagery and thoughts it conjures up.


Overall:

Though a fairly brief poem, there is a huge story that is delivered quite well. The central character is created vividly in my imagination and her struggles are illustrated with a sorrowful beauty. Quite an enjoyable read.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
2
2
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (3.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"Did I have to drag myself through the mire?
To then endure a very bumpy ride?"
I think these two lines might read better with a comma after mire. Both lines seem to be part of one thought, one question and joining them with a comma rather than separating them into two individual questions might make the stanza more cohesive. There are a couple 'questions' in the poem that could benefit from the same reconsideration.

"How did I reach to now,"
The wording here reads very awkwardly to me, and causes the flow to stumble a bit. Without the "to" I think it would read better, still slightly oddly phrased but much smoother than the way it is now.


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

Right off the top, I want to say that the concept and message of this poem is both beautiful in its barrier crossing understandability and intimidating in that its a question that people continue to grapple with throughout their lives. Questions that are unlikely to ever be answered once and for all are scary in some ways, but in others I think that is what gives them value. I love how the poem poses multiple angles of this universal question; how did we get here, why, where from, what did it take, etc. While it's important not to get hung up on the past, I think this illustrates the value of considering how the past built to the present.

"Was I a figment of my imagination?"
So, I'm not the only one that wonders this! Our memories of life and our journey are so self-focused (as is natural for them to be) I've often had the odd wonder about how to distinguish one's perception of themself against the reality of life and their place.

Overall:

I adore the existential questioning and universality of this poem, and because each question carries so much potential for personal reflection and thought this poem holds a lot of re-readability which is always a good thing! The wording feels a bit awkward to me and I think the flow and construction could use a bit of work, but not to any great detriment. Well done, thanks for sharing!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
3
3
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:
You use the word "state" three times, and in the first two instances I'm not really sure I know what you mean by the word. At first, I thought it was an unfortunately necessary odd bit of phrasing for the rhyme scheme, but by the second time I found myself legitimately confused. By the third time, the repetition of the word, coupled with its confusing usage, became a bit obtrusive for me as a reader.

The rhyme scheme seemed a little scattered as well, especially in the 5th and 6th lines of the 2nd stanza. Everywhere else there is only one line at a time that doesn't connect to a rhyme, but these two lines are both unrhymed and it through the rhythm off a bit for me.


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:
"They dance with the zephyrs, though darting--
no rush."
I adore this line, it absolutely captures the spirit of watching various little animals on a beautiful day. They move fast across the ground and through the trees, but it doesn't feel like they are in any kind of hurry. This line connected with a lot of memories I have and it's phrased wonderfully.

I'm also really fond of the last stanza, it runs along really well and has a terrific sound to it. I also love the rewording of "anti the climactic", even though it's not a typical turn of phrase it reads unobtrusively and holds the rhythm together quite well.


Overall:
Loved it! The imagery, the rhythm, the naturally flowing rhymes. An enjoyable poem to read, re-read and contemplate on.


Write on!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
4
4
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (3.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:
The first stanza threw me off a little bit. It seems a bit backwards, in my opinion. The 3rd and 4th lines are really setting up the scene for there to be a housewarming party, by introducing the reader to the new neighbors and their pet. Having it the way it is, feels a bit clumsy to read because I'm already in the set of the party but then drawn out of that to be told whose party and about their pet, the focus of the poem. I think just switching lines 3&4 with lines 1&2 would be a bit better, but I also think it could be reworded a bit to flow more smoothly and bring me into the scene with a bit of ease.

In the last stanza the fire chief is warning the family that they have to get rid of their pet, which is quite sensible. However, and this might just be me and taking it a bit too literally or something, right before he says that we are told that the pet leapt through the window screen. This implies to me that the pet fled, and is thus gone making it a bit redundant for the fire chief to give such an order? Maybe there is a way to make it clear that the pet didn't flee for good?


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:
The whole idea is a lot of fun and very imaginative. I could easily picture this as part of a kids book, accompanied by fun illustrations.

I loved the rhythm and rhymes in the second and third stanza especially. I caught myself bobbing my head as I read along, and it's enjoyable to read out loud.


Overall:
I enjoyed the read! It tickled my imagination and I read it out loud because so much of it sounds very good and rhythmic to hear that way. I think it would be cool to see this put with some illustrations, it could carry them quite well!

Write on!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
5
5
Review of Mountain Scene  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"and she would reach home before the real danger even as light snow fell."
         It seems that there are some words missing here, and it is not clear what the real danger you are referring to is; wouldn't a mountain pass with snow on it already be a significant danger? There should also be an "a" or "the" between "even as" and "light snow" and a comma between "real danger" and "even".

         In the fourth paragraph you have Diana almost careening off the mountain because she had been day dreaming and not watching the road. She catches herself and chastises herself over this blunder, but then immediately, without hesitation, seems to be lost in thought again. This seemed a little odd and sudden. It is not that it is hard to believe that she could get distracted again, but it is described so suddenly that you lose the impact of slowly drifting off into distraction that would have felt realistic.


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         Because you forewarn the reader of the prompt at the top, I was expecting a tragedy the whole time. However, you managed to surprise me with the victims of the tragedy. Throughout the story you do a good job of leading the reader on to believe that Diana will be the victim, thus surprising both the reader and the character of Diana with the true tragedy, at the same time. This made for a very powerful end. I think you ended it very well by highlighting the body bags as opposed to, say, having someone tell her what happened.


Overall:

         In such a short span of words you do present a good plot and a character that goes at least a little bit deeper than cliches and surface description. You give the reader enough information about the relationships and such to allow them to care about the character and feel the tragedy. Delivering such a story in 500 words is no easy feat, but you did it well.

Write on!


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6
6
Review of Gobble! Gobble!  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (5.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

[no mistakes or corrections to speak of]


Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         Keeping each line to four or five syllables helped give this poem a quick and consistent rhythm. This not only makes it easy and enjoyable to read to oneself, but could also make it fun to read aloud to a group at this coming holiday.

         I love how you stay centered on the turkey throughout the poem and have the silly twist of the narrator turning into a turkey at the end; we are what we eat, after all. It gives the poem a fun, friendly feel that I think kids would just love. Honestly I could see this with cute illustrations of a kid enjoying thanksgiving dinner and then surprisingly and humorously transforming into a turkey on the last page. I may just read this aloud to the kids at this coming thanksgiving dinner, credit attributed of course.


Overall:

         This is a perfect piece. It maintains good rhythm, has a little story, good imagery and a clever ending. I wouldn't change a thing about it, and I think it is a wonderful expression of the holiday.


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7
7
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"netting slippery fish, breath-taking,"
         I am not sure I understand what is breath-taking about the netting of fish. The phrase felt a little arbitrarily placed here.

         Between the third and fourth stanza there is a double space. It doesn't seem to be intentional but it does stand out.


----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         I loved the comparison of you and your lover to John Lennon and Yoko Ono. For anyone who saw their interview, or the pictures of them in bed, this is a powerful piece of imagery to bring to mind, an almost iconic image. You do a good job, also, of subtly clarifying the imagery for any reader that might not know what you are referring to.

         The last stanza has such powerful word pictures and expresses such a range of feeling and emotion with a natural and subtle air. The piece could not have closed any stronger. I especially loved the last four lines, though honestly I can not pinpoint specific reasons why; I just love how they are worded and the emotion and image they convey.


----
Overall:

         You exhibit a great poetic style here and very solid writing. It was enjoyable to read with a good flow to it, and competent free verse. You really expressed a depth of love and longing over a large span of someone's life in this piece. Just a really great job and a great poem.

Write on!


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8
8
Review of I Remember  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

         The first and second line of the third stanza contain a weaker rhyme than the lines surrounding them. The unfortunate thing with rhyming poem is the rhymes themselves, or lack thereof, become very noticeable to the reader and if their is a weak one it stands out and can detract from the power of the expression in that line.
         I noticed a similar issue in the final two lines of the poem. The closing stanza and, in this case, final rhyme of a poem are very vital points because they are the most powerful component of the impression left with the reader. A weak rhyme can unfortunately damage the impact, even though the true importance lies in the content.

         I was confused as to the purpose of alternating red and black text every two stanzas. It seemed as if it might have a purpose of some kind, or be of some importance, but since there was nothing to clue me in, I was left wondering and feeling a bit frustrated at the mystery.


----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         There is generally a solid rhythm in the poem that bolsters the rhyme scheme and makes for a smooth read. For the most part, the rhyming does not feel forced or obvious, but often appears smooth and as if it was the most natural way to express each thought.

         I loved how you reiterated, in a fresh way with a variety of wording, your sadness about ongoing war despite all the sadness on each remembrance day. It is a powerful and all to true sentiment that you convey quite well.

         I noticed that it seems the poem is a memory of remembrance days over the span of a lifetime (I take this from the mention of watching the father at the beginning and then holding the fathers medals toward the end, as if he was not there to hold them himself). This drives home your point all the stronger and gives it a personal touch that lends sincerity to your expressions of grief.


----
Overall:

         On the whole, it is a fairly well written poem with a decent rhyming format and a fairly consistent flow. The theme is mature and delivered very well and there is some haunting imagery. I really think you did a great job with this piece and really did an honor to the brave men and women to whom honor should be given. Great job.

Write on.


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9
9
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (2.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"with feeling lent."
         I don't really understand this line. I know that in the following stanza you clarify a feeling lending your heart to someone, but here it doesn't make sense. How could a heart "grow with feeling lent"? It seems it was used mainly to fulfill the rhyme requirement.

         The last stanza is very repetitive. You repeat three times that both people share the same feelings and attachment and it feels, at least to me, as if there wasn't a lot of content at the end, so one thought was stretched longer than it should have been.

         The rhyme scheme, format and flow felt a little elementary to me. I can't say that it appealed to me artistically nor did it grab me in depth of theme or beauty of expression.


----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         I liked that you ended each stanza with the same word you started the next. I don't think this technique would always work, but it does seem to fit in this poem. I think it would work even better if the last word of the last stanza lined up with the first word of the first stanza. It could create a circular feel to the poem, a kind of closed ring to the theme which would work in the concept of eternal, unending and unbroken love.

         The piece does seem to come from a sincere expression of love and feeling. This is not always an easy thing to put in public view because outsiders will view it not as the personal expression it is to you, but rather as a piece of writing to be analyzed and dissected. I always think it's brave when someone posts something so personal.


----
Overall:

         Honestly I felt that the poem, as a piece of writing, was rather weak. It didn't seem to be all that unique or delve into any great depth of complex emotion or reveal any enlightening wisdom. I don't mean to say it is a bad poem, because it is not greatly flawed in the technical sense but, for me, it just didn't stand out. Thank you for posting it though, and don't take my opinion too seriously. I'm one person, and it is really a great try.

Write on!

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10
10
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (4.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

         The 2nd and 3rd sentence are both began with "I had". Repetition like that, when not purposely done to draw attention to something, can feel a bit awkwardly redundant. Variety in wording can often create a smoother read and prevent confusion.

"...concerned about my lack of energy and the fact that I tired easily."
         I am not a doctor, nor have I suffered from an ailment like this, so if I am incorrect please ignore this suggestion and accept my apology; but it seems that "lack of energy" and "tiring easy" are essentially the same thing which, if that is the case, seems confusingly redundant to say both.

         This is entirely an opinion from personal preference, but outside of casual communication (i.e. IM, e-mail, or even message boards) emoticons feel very out of place and a bit of a faux pas. In my opinion, they can actually be a detriment to the appearance and quality of the material; this is especially true in such a serious, non-fiction piece such as this.

"...affected me as it does any normal person"
         I believe it should be "effected" here. "Affect" doesn't refer to the cause something has on something else, but more along the lines of "so and so affected a British accent." I am nearly positive, therefore, that "effected" is the correct word here.

"...until my blood counts recovered from being destroyed along with any leukemia cells!"
         I think "counts" should be "count has". Also, this sentence was a bit confusing to me. The blood count is not waiting to be destroyed but rather recovering, so I am not sure what the "leukemia cells" are supposed to go along with, since surely they are not hoped to recover. It might helped to clarify that while the blood count is recovering, the leukemia cells are, hopefully, being destroyed.


-----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         It is clear that the storm of life you currently fighting through is quite a difficult and complex one. It is, therefore, all the more impressive that you were able to relate the magnitude of this struggle so effectively, clearly and concisely. The reader is given a solid grasp on the struggle but the point of the piece, the positive lessons, is not bogged down by it. You balanced this piece very well and I doubt it was an easy thing to do.

         I love that, even in the very midst of such a difficult time, you are able to not only recognize lessons to be learned, but to learn them and share them so eloquently with others. These are lessons that, many of us, have had many people try to tell us over the years; but they have so much more impact when coming from someone learning them through the storm itself and, in my opinion, can help a reader take a step back and truly see the wisdom in these words. You are very brave to share such a difficult struggle with so many strangers and your bravery adds such a strength to the lessons you share. This is a great piece, with a great message.


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Overall:

         I love that there is such a positive and clear purpose for this piece and that you so successfully convey that purpose. There are some great, wise thoughts in this piece and you express them so well. The technical aspects that could use work detract very little from the piece because it is, otherwise, expressed so well. Great Job!

Write on and I am praying for you.


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11
11
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (3.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"...those things and remember all she had to be thankful for."
         Technically I don't think you can correctly end a sentence with a preposition.

"Her beloved mother lost to her several years ago, holidays just weren’t the same."
         This sentence feels incomplete. It seems that "lost to her several years ago" should have a comma both before and after it to properly section off the thought, but with the rest of the sentence the way it is, that wouldn't work much better. I think it would read more smoothly if worded along the lines of, "Her beloved mother had been lost to her several years ago and holidays just weren’t the same.

"The question remained though."
         The only questions mentioned so far were regarding the protagonists doubts about why it was even important to work so hard for a Thanksgiving celebration. It seems implied that the angelic voice answered that question. Therefore, when the reader reaches the quoted text, they may be confused because "the question" would refer to a question already introduced. It is apparent that it is supposed to be referring to the question to follow, but I think it would be more clearly worded with "A" instead of "The" opening the sentence.

"...welcomed her guests with a smile that wasn’t felt within when they arrived later that day..."
         I think there should be a comma between "a smile" and "that wasn't" and then again between "felt within" and "when they".

"...tried to keep the unshed tears that burned her eyes in check."
         I'm simply not sure I understand the phrase, "burned her eyes in check".

"Her beautiful mother’s image suddenly sprang to mind to remind her just how much she had to be grateful for."
         Again, I don't think a sentence can be ended in a preposition. Also, this sentence felt a little odd because it doesn't seem that a vivid, mental image of the woman's deceased mother would help keep her from crying as much as it would cause her to cry. Wouldn't such a sudden and vivid recall of a lost love one bring more sorrow than thanksgiving? I understand that many aspects of thanksgiving are explained in the sentences to follow, but introducing them this way felt a bit unrealistic.

"There was so much to be thankful for, she mused."
         If this is a bit of soliloquy, or thought, should it not be either in italics, quotations or a combination of the two?

         The phrase, "bounty of appreciation" is used twice in the story. It is a nice phrase, but feels redundant when used a second time, especially since it does not seem to be in direct reference to the previous use.


-----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         I think the struggle of one's attempt to live up to a lost, loved one's legacy conflicting with the grief of the loss itself, is accurately and emotionally presented here. Even a reader who may not have experienced such a lost would be able to empathize with the difficult and heartbreaking situation. This emotionally involves the reader and causes them to care for the main character, which garners more interest in the story itself.

         A good, interesting story is told here, which is not easy to do when the whole thing is focused on one character with a lot of inner monologue and very little action.


-----
Overall:

         This is a heartwarming tale of a woman's dealings with grief, loss and thankfulness. It is presented in a believable and emotionally grabbing fashion and ends on such a positive and encouraging note. I thought it was a good read, but could maybe be developed a little further.

Write on!


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12
12
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"America was in midst of a mighty war"
         To read properly there should be a "the" in between "was in" and "midst of". Another option, if you are trying to maintain a length of some kind, would be to just make it, "America was amidst a...". The way it is now stumbles a bit, and the "the" is noticeably absent.

"Some 58,000 America soldiers met their fate"
         Should be, "American".

"'tho all these wars we fought cause me consternation."
         I'm not sure I understand the purpose of spelling "though" this way, or the purpose of the apostrophe. To my knowledge an apostrophe, used like this, denotes the dropping of a spoken syllable; i.e. "o'er" or "ev'ry". Here, however, there are the same amount of syllables, and it is pronounced the same way, spelled "though" or "'tho". It is possible you were shortening "although", but I don't think this is the proper way or necessary use of that. "Though" would be entirely correct to use and would look better.

         You mention the current war in Iraq twice, in the second line of the fifth and sixth stanza, which feels a bit repetitive.

         The rhyme scheme felt forced, to me, several times throughout this piece. It often seemed that things could be said better, more accurately and more smoothly if there had not been the constraints of couplet rhyming.
         The most significant example of this issue is in the final two lines of the third stanza. This is the only instance where you have a sentence ending and another one beginning on the same line, which causes a bit of a stumble in the flow of the poem. The completion of a thought from a previous line, and the introduction and completion of a new thought on the same line just felt very out of place for me.


----
Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         Throughout the poem you cover the conflicts this country's military has engaged in and present a clear, accurate and even informational summary. It is one thing to simply say that America is often involved in war; it is another, far more persuasive, thing to go through every instance of this that you witnessed in your life.

         With only a few exceptions, there is a good flow to the poem and a catchy rhythm.

         You close the poem very well, delivering your point clearly and cleverly without seeming overt or pushy.


----
Overall:

         The poem presents an accurate view of a conflict between the countries words and actions, and it does it in a creative fashion. This can be a touchy subject for a lot of people, but I think the piece handles it well without skimping on the point and purpose of the poem. It was an enjoyable read with a little room for improvement.

Good job, keep writing!


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13
13
Review of Portsmouth  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

         (The first thing I, as a reader, would like to know is whether this part of a bigger series/longer story or not. Reason for that question is that obviously all these location names, that appear right off the bat, are not actual places. If this is supposed to be a story in of itself, you might want to try and introduce this new world a little better.)

"It was not the largest port city in the world, nor was it even the largest city in Acacia;"
         While it is tough to say for sure, since there isn't really an informative introduction, it appears that Acacia is the country/or island in which all these cities are located. If this city is not the largest port city, a specific type of city, then it is clear that it would not be the largest of any type of city in the country. The way this sentence is ordered makes it read very redundantly.

"Like many Acacian cities its geography did not lend itself to the ease for which it was built, high cliffs and steep rocky hills..."
         I think a comma is needed between "cities" and "its" and a semi colon is needed, where you have the comma, after "it was built".

"Every surface, from the roads to the buildings' facades was grey."
         Comma is needed after "facades".

"Merchants, shady and otherwise haggled with longshoremen."
         Need a comma between "otherwise" and "haggled".

         The information contained in the sentence quoted above, ("Merchants, shady and...") and the two sentences following it could be condensed to two sentences to keep the read more smooth.

"Unlike the city Kara, which was labyrinthine, Portsmouth was a true maze..."
         Labyrinths are generally regarded as infinitely more complex than mazes, so the intended meaning of this sentence comes off as a bit muddled. Also, the sudden name-drop of this new city is
a bit confusing.

"...those persons not possessing the 'gift' as he had come to think of it could easily be divided..."
         I think commas are needed between "'gift'" and "as", and then again between "think of it" and "could".

         The "gift" that you mention is nearly impossible to understand since you don't really describe it. Is it related to this "thing" that Skibbo asked Kaedon how he could see through? Is it how Kaedon is seeing through whatever that thing is? What does it have to do, if not one of those things, with the line of questioning he began? What is this gift? Telling a story, with these kinds of obviously important plot points and leaving them undescribed, can be very frustrating for a reader.
         A few sentences after you mention that the thing is a blindfold, but this "gift" is still left in the dark.

"...he was as elusive about his agenda as Kædon was about his he thought."
         I believe this was supposed to mean that Kaedon is thinking to himself that Skibbo is being just as elusive as he, Kaedon, is; but it reads a bit confusing. I think, at the very least, you need a comma between "was about his" and "he thought", but a little rewording could help too.

"...and a few small candles around the bar lighted the pub."
         I believe it should be "lit the pub".

         (Throughout the piece you indent on some paragraphs and then neglect to on others; the first sentence and then throughout the long stretch of dialogue towards the end. Paragraphs need to be consistently indented, it really hurts the appearance of the piece when they aren't.)

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Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

"He was a stout man, with thick red fingers curled around the handle of a pewter mug."
         I loved this line; it is such a great description of this character, and you picked the perfect little nuances of his appearance to describe so that the reader could fill in the rest smoothly and correctly.

"'That's what I do with it, what you call it is yer own business s'long as ya git me another.'"
         Sometimes a bit of dialogue jumps out at me as perfectly realistic and so well written that I can hear it in my head. Much of your dialogue, actually, is like that because it is written so smoothly as it would be spoken. This line, in particular, I liked the most so I thought I would point it out.

         You have a great descriptive language that, when used in smoothly written sentences, brings the reader into the story as if he can see the setting instead of just be told about it. There are parts where this is not as strong, but you clearly have a bit of natural talent for it, and that's great because it's not a common, but it is important, quality in good fiction.

         The dialogue, as I mentioned, is typically very well written and very conversational. It often feels like you must have overheard someone talking and written it down, rather than come up with it because of how natural it seems.


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Overall:

         There is the makings of a very interesting and entertaining story here. The only problems of any real consequence that I see are the points of plot, setting and character that are under-described and lacking in proper introduction. The average reader will only try so long to read a story that has so many obviously important points left vague. With a little bit of work that issue could be easily taken care of though. You just have to take into account, when you are writing, that the reader is not going to know or understand the backstories and nuances of these characters and lands as well as you.

         It is definitely a great start, and while I think it needs some work, if you continued the story I would almost assuredly continue to read it. Great job!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
14
14
Review of No Ho Ho Here  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

         I could not find any spelling mistakes, grammatical errors or wording issues that needed mentioning. In my opinion this piece is technically flawless.


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Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

“…dreading the rest of the Honey-Do list…
         I loved that little play on words. A very clever spin from a “To-do” list mixed with that agonizingly nice way that wives have of asking you to do something that you know don’t have a choice about. I may have to steal this for real life.

         I really liked the whole exchange between the husband and wife over the clown outfit. It felt very real to me, and it was humorous to boot.

         This story could have very easily taken a corny turn for the worst with the constant costume-politician comparisons, but you kept it from that. At times it did feel like it was teetering on the edge. Honestly I couldn’t pinpoint what kept it funny and realistic, as opposed to corny, but you did it. The writing and timing were sharp and well done.


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Overall:

         There isn’t really a lot of character development, per se, as everyone in the story is used at a pretty surface level. There really wasn’t a plot of any consequence either. However, the success of the story didn’t depend on depth of character or brilliance of plot; moreso it was about clever little jokes, puns and a toying with politicians in general. In the latter respect, it fared quite well.

         I think the story flowed well, was comfortable to read and funny. The prompt was integrated smoothly into the story; it seemed like the story could have had the same outcome without the prompt requirement.

         I liked it, I chuckled while reading it and even though I didn’t see the other entries, I would have voted for it to win also. Well done, congratulations on the win.
15
15
Review of to my bestfriend  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (2.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"...see.?!!"
         There can't be a period, a question mark and an [well two] exclamation point[s] at the end of the same sentence. I understand the use of one question mark and one exclamation point to indicate a stronger, more urgent tone of question, but the period definitely is out of place. I would also say that the second exclamation point should be dropped as well.
e.g. "...see?!"

"you are all what i have.. you are all what i want.."
         Both "what"s need to be "that". "all what I have" is not correct.
e.g. "you are all that i have.. you are all what i want.."

"i miss our crazyness in the malls.."
         Just a minor spelling correction here, I believe it is "craziness" with an "i" not a "y".

"i'm realizing now that:all.."
         There is no correct use for a colon there. You don't have a list to follow, or supporting, separate clauses. Also the first word after a colon would need to be spaced one spot away from the colon, not flush against it. Repeating all twice in a row seems out of place there too.

"all what i need now is you my soul.."
         Again, "what" is not the correct word here, it should be "that".

"why can't we play any more..?!..why can't we have fun{c:red..?!"
         You can't have two periods, question marks, exclamation points and two more periods all combined like that. Drop the superfluous periods.

"...the time ends, and closes it doors.."
         Just need to add an "s" to "it"
e.g. "...the time ends, and closes its doors.."

         Throughout the entire poem there is a use of double periods between phrases. This is not technically an ellipses (which requires 3 periods) and is unnecessary and incorrect. Most of these double periods could be correctly replaced with commas and the reader would still understand to pause there. Where you use it at the end of every line I would just delete them as they serve no purpose and make your poem look very cluttered and confused.


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Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         There is some good imagery throughout this poem, and though some of it might seem a bit cliched it appears to be used very sincerely. I think the strength of this poem is the honesty and vulnerability you show. There isn't a lot of beating around the bush, just a passionate explanation of how much you care. With a little work, that would be even stronger.


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Overall:

         It was tough to read with a good flow mostly because of the odd, constant use of double periods throughout. Some of the wording could be adjusted too, mostly it just reads a little muddled.
         As I said, though, I did like the honesty shown here. Clearly the poem was written with a lot of feeling about something very important. It occurred to me that, while you say this about a best friend (ex-best friend?), the wording seems to imply a stronger relationship and stronger feelings between the two of you. This adds an interesting dynamic for the reader to interpret.
         Don't let the larger "Correction/Suggestion" section be a discouraging thing. The vast majority of it is inconsequential technical stuff, the material and content you have is generally very good. I think it's a great start, hope to see more.
16
16
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (3.0)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"Charles Williams was his legal name but he liked von Liechtenstein better."
         What happened to the "Hemmingway"? I liked that his name had a somewhat ridiculous feel to it. His character, even what you had described up to this sentence, has such a silly, random feel to it that it seems fitting that his name be like that too. I especially like that the ridiculous part of his name is only an alias of sorts.
         The part that confused me though is when you distinguished from his legal name and preferred name, the "Hemmingway" got lost in the mix. It is confusing for the reader because they are suddenly left to wonder whether it is part of the legal or chosen name. I also noticed, as I read the rest of the story, that the "Hemmingway" is never

"...freshly printed copy of Charles William’s Resume below carefully..."
         I don't think "resume" should be capitalized there.
[I know the "e"s in resume are supposed to have apostrophes over them, which you have, but when I tried to copy and paste the word with the apostrophes it displayed as this symbol of a black diamond with a question mark inside in the preview. How do you get those correct "e"s on WDC?]

"Anna motioned for Charles to sit in the chair to the side of her desk. She motioned with her left hand..."
         Using "motioned" repetitively like that reads very awkward in my opinion. I think you could convey the same idea with a bit different wording and benefit greatly because the awkward repetition would be gone.
e.g. "Anna motioned for Charles to sit in the chair to the side of her desk. The gesture was made with her left hand..."

"They were probably laughing at it."
         Laughing at what? At him? At what they anticipate his answer to be to what he is looking for? This was confusing.


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Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         I loved the main character. He was odd, slightly twitchy, random and amusingly out of touch with reality. I enjoyed reading the dialogue because it was well written and truly conversational.


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Overall:

         I did like the dialogue but at times it was a little much. I think the story could benefit by a little more "storytelling" interspersed throughout the long stretch of conversation. You have some great descriptions in the story and I would love to see more of them, it would really give the piece some body.

         I must admit, I did not like the ending. You have a really great character here and there was something of a plot developing but it just kind of dies. There is no indication of what would become of Charles or really why he is leaving. The story just is done, for no apparent reason. Especially because I loved the character, I would really like some closure or even a long story to go with this.

         I enjoyed your writing style, the character you have developing and the way you tell a story. Hopefully more will come of this. Great start, keep writing!
17
17
Review of The Photograph  
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Mistakes/Corrections/Suggestions:

"...just some weathered boards nailed together extending some twenty feet over the moribund water."
         I don't think "moribund" is used correctly here. The word means something that is nearly dead, or having lost purpose or life, possibly even referring to it becoming outdated or obsolete. None of those things really relate to water, especially not in this sense. I'm not sure what description you are trying to depict, but "moribund" doesn't fit.

"But this wasn't about warm sunny days."
         I am pretty sure this sentence is a fragment". "But" is not a technically correct word to start a sentence with, especially not a new paragraph and thought, and you don't really give it context with the conciseness of your sentence.

"There wasn't any wildlife for him to photograph and the scenery was bland as hell."
         This doesn't make a lot of sense, considering the imagery you presented in the first paragraph. Your own descriptions don't appear "bland" which makes it confusing for the reader when you make this statement a little later.

"We never knew he was there until he came over to us."
         "Never" doesn't really seem to fit here, since it really wasn't very long before you knew the man was there. While "never" is typically used in some sense of hyperbole, here it seems to be a little outlandish and, in my opinion, takes away from the sentences impact. Perhaps if it was worded differently?
e.g. "We didn't even knew he was there until he came over to us."

         You don't state that he took a picture of the people involved, which is awkward when you are suddenly talking about him asking for an address to send the picture. It would greatly benefit the flow and coherence of the story to add in something about the picture being taken.

"Little Spencer made that frame for me when he was in middle school."
         What frame? I mean I am assuming it's the one the character put the picture in, but you don't say that. There a lot of informational gaps in the story that damage the flow and make it awkward to follow.

"I don't know why neither of us or both of us didn't replace that dilapidated old dock, at some point in time.
         This sentence needs two commas, as shown below in green, and I also think "either" would be the correct word as opposed to "neither".
"I don't know why either of us, or both of us, didn't replace that dilapidated old dock, at some point in time."

"Dadblasted!"
         "Dadblasted" is not an actual word. I'm assuming it's an exclamatory expletive of sorts, but if so it is a bit out of place here. It would work in a dialogue, or even in a contextual sentence but as is it just appears nonsensical.

"...if I had real furniture instead of this plastic crap. As I sit in my beat-up old arm chair I stare across..."
         These sentences seem to be directly contradictory to each other. A "beat-up old arm chair" could not be the description of "plastic crap" furniture, but would in fact be the "real furniture" the character is bemoaning not having.

         The story often has a very stated and halting style which can dampen the impact of some of the wonderful imagery you have. The story feels like it has been overly abbreviated and as such it seems to have lost a lot of content that makes it hard for a reader to get involved.


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Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

         The character/narrator has a lot of potential as a likable individual. There is a lot of great familial feel to the reminiscing being done throughout the piece and it could hold a lot of appeal for a variety of audiences interested in that type of story.
         There is also some good wording that supports great imagery throughout the narrative. Rarely is there a lack of necessary description. The beginning even throws the reader right into the picturesque, early morning setting for the story.


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Overall:

         I think the story has a lot of great content and could really be a heartwarming read. It could benefit greatly by a little work to give it a smoother flow and to fill in the gaps. I liked it, but I think it definitely has more potential. Good job, hope you keep writing!
18
18
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Some Errors/Mistakes/Suggestions:

“She’s amazing; I mean…her honesty, her practicality ... I know, she is way too wild for me..." For someone to be described as very practical and then almost immediately after as too wild for someone seems a bit contradictory. I'm not sure what you are trying to convey.

"But can you content living off of dreams alone?” Between "can you" and "content" you need a "be"... "But can you be content living off of dreams alone?"

"The tears protect my eyes so as I’m not reminded" The "as" is not necessary and incorrect. I believe it should be "The tears protect my eyes so I am not reminded"

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Some Praises/Compliments/Accolades:

"A dream becomes a nightmare
By remaining imaginary" I can totally appreciate and identify with this idea. You expressed it well and gave a perspective on something that might not be readily obvious to many.

“So you’ve convinced yourself that you don’t care anymore? That you’re content being alone; some prince of darkness? You’re just justifying your isolation to ignore your loneliness.”
“Don’t pretend you know me! I don’t need anyone anymore. Isolation has become synonymous with exaltation! Loneliness is just another word for happiness now.”
“And has denial become another word for truth?” This exchange/dialogue was excellent. A lot of deep ideas and poignant concepts here, and a compelling final thought in the last line. Lots to think about.

"Oh my little queen of hearts
You destroyed all we had made
My little queen of clubs" I really liked how you used the "queen of hearts" and then the "queen of clubs". It provided a cool contrast; maintaining her hierarchy in your life while pointing out her duality as a person of love and a person of destruction and pain.

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Overall:
         There was a lot of good stuff here, but there was also just a lot of stuff. I understand that all the different poems connect, through the conversation that you display, but I don't think they are best served in one piece. For you, the author, the sentiments and ideas here are always going to be connected and I can appreciate that.
         As a reader though, the connection is not inherent and therefore this can appear very convoluted. I think that you would not lose anything from the overall purpose, and would gain much for each individual poem, if you separated these, keeping each poem and it's respective dialogue together.
         Think; volumes of one work (A Journey Through Time Vol. 1.... A Journey Through Time, Step 1..... A Journey Through Time, Part 1.... etc). If it was divided like that a reader could more effectively appreciate each piece individually, and by reading all the parts come to know the whole on their own terms. Massing them together like this can seem a mountainous endeavor for an interested reader and may divert them away. It almost did me.
         I did love the story as a whole and how each part of the dialogue gave you new thoughts, and a new expression for those thoughts. Like I said, I think there is a wealth of good material here.

Write on!
19
19
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (4.5)
Definitely a fun and amusing read. It seems like that would have been an incredibly daunting experience.

I didn't spot any grammatical or spelling errors to mention. In fact I think I can only really name one complaint. One line got me a bit lost because of the wording. I, personally, am not a terribly knowledgeable football fan and therefore while I know some common terminology, the more indepth verbiage is lost on me. This line was the only line in which I encountered such wording,

"The Bills looked like a bunch of little Neds in their First Readers."

I can't tell whether "little Neds" is supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing, I have no idea what "First Readers" are, and I'm not sure what impact this sentence is meant to have on the rest of the story so I don't know what is lost by my ignorance. I fear many readers, not so deeply involved with the sport, may encounter the same confusion and it can be a bit frustrating. My suggestion might be to reword, or at least add some helpful context to, this sentence to assist the layman reader.

Otherwise it was a cool story and a good read. Keep writing!
20
20
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: E | (5.0)
There is so much in this piece I identify with and an equal amount I can't. The cool thing is, I can't decide which I find more interesting and engaging.

When working on my own material I too find myself poring, for hours, over what seems to be just the simplest wording of a sentence. The worst part, though there is an odd relief in the cleansing, is throwing away a labored creation; but what can you do when it doesn't live up?

I, however, am no good at grammar, diagramming, or conjugating and though my light background in latin gives me an edge on etymology, on the whole the 4th stanza isn't something I see in myself.

But I do understand a love, passionate and obsessive, for the written word. You might even be able to characterize such a love, maybe all love in a way, as destructive since it holds my creations to a high standard they rarely reach; in which case they meet immediate demise.

All in all, I loved this piece. It was witty, clever, intelligent, insightful and true. Well written, a pleasure to read and by and far as I can tell, in a word, flawless.

Hello my name is Finn and I am a Logophile.

(should there be anonymous meetings for people like that... Logoholic?)
21
21
Review by G. F. Streuner
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
~First I have some basic editing suggestions.~

"It felt like electrified razor blades were shooting from my toes al the way to the top of my leg." Should be "all"

"The torture of Guillain-Barre Syndrome is that your mind becomes fine and your body does not work." Maybe phrased better as "...mind is fine, but your body does not work" since your mind wasn't defective beforehand and became fine as a result of the illness.

"Getting off the respirator was a crucial landmark for me being moved to a regular hospital room." It feels as if part of the thought is missing between "for me" and "being moved". Maybe "...was a crucial landmark for me because it meant being moved..." is what you meant?

"Ironically, this is not my favorite pop but if I did not get an orange pop, a mental breakdown was surly to follow." Should be "surely", also I'm not totally sure this is an example of irony. Maybe "Oddly enough this is not my favorite...", but that's just my opinion.

"He also has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot!" To follow tense I believe it should be "had".

"I figured that I was out of the woods. The thought never crossed my mind that I would not get better." To me this sentence implies that later on in the story something will happen in which it turns out you are not out of the woods and that you don't get better. It's just a bit confusing.

"Ms. Johnson gave my mom her family’s recipe" Because Ms. Johnson has not yet been introduced, and if she has it wasn't quite clear, it would be helpful to the reader if you mentioned who she was exactly.

"This is how they where going to stay, and they needed to get used to it." Should be "were".

"The other major difference was how people became disabled" Since you didn't previously mention any major differences, "other major difference" seems out of place. I think it is possible you meant, "The only major difference"?

"failed attempted suicides," this seems a little redundant since you were in a rehab clinic and anything but a "failed attempt" would land someone in a morgue. It would lead less redundant as "suicide attempts" and would still be obvious that they resulted in failure.

"I felt bad for him, but Juan found many ways to vent his anger from his gang members and family alimentation" I could be wrong here but did you mean, "alienation"? "Alimentation" means providing food or nourishment, and it seems that his family and gang members were not providing anything, so I wonder if it was supposed to read, "gang members and family's alienation"

"Ironically, years later she married a man named Loren" This is not really ironic.

Throughout the piece the timeline of events can be very confusing as they are sometimes presented a bit out of order and a little scattered. Though for the length and detail of this story, it isn't terribly organized.
__________________________________________

"Now was not my time to go and I would have to suffer. I am still not certain who won the argument. " I wanted to point this line out because I just thought it was an especially poignant way to depict your state of mind and struggle.

"The first week, or what I believed to be a week, was out of a horror movie written by Hitchcock and Hitler during an all night drinking binge." This was such an awesome and descriptive way to evoke the right imagery.

Overall I found this piece compelling, well written (both in vocabulary and style) and very interesting. I was hooked, almost immediately, and read with an intensity, often rooting for you along the way. You went through a difficult time that many, including myself, will never fully understand. I'm glad you came out of it, and would like to tell you that your story is an inspiration.

Bravo.
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