Wow That definately struck a chord. I really enjoyed it. I think that many of us regardless of who we are have gone through something similar and for myself you definately put it in a wonderful perspective. I do not like to pull out gramatics in poetry as they are written the way they are supposed to be at times. Changing anything sometimes can change the poem. I think you definately have a pen for the writings of love.
I really enjoyed this story. Kudos to you for writing it in one sitting. The ending was unexpected and slightly tear jerking.
(indent}I did find the formatting a little rushed. It felt as though there was very little rest from segment to segment. Some of your paragraphs have a single line after them while others do not. I would suggest possible leaving some space between each paragraph to slow the reader down slightly.
Good use of descriptives.
A few things to look for:
Commas: there are some instances that you use a comma when you could use a seperate sentence possibly
e.g. The sound of Nicks keys in the door, a moment later.... This could be two seperate thoughts possibly with some rewording.
A moment later: you seem to overuse this phrase in one perticular section, consider possibly changing one or two two another time descriptor.
Run on sentences: There are a few sections where using the comma contributes to the rushed feeling. I find that re-reading out loud helps with this. Would you say it as it is read or change it so that you are not speaking to fast.
e.g. "She shuddered, feeling uncomfortable and got up, walked into the kitchen where she put the cup into the sink, letting water run from the tap into the cup, making the tea colour pale."
Again, I really enjoyed your story. Slow your reader down just a little allow them to feel the emotion that Izzy emminates. Remember I am only one person and I do not wish to harm. Write on.
Hits close to home. I think that many of us wonder about who we are. What's even more interesting to me is when we think that we have figured it out something changes and it then becomes are we who we thought we were. I found that you raise valuable questions that we can all ask. The most personal line to me was the "I'll take advice from a song, but won't listen to mom, even though she has seen all that is know." I enjoyed it very much I am looking forward to reading more of your work.
Frugela
a.k.a Hnstlygrounded
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hnstlygrounded
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.21 seconds at 7:45pm on Jul 01, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Commas: there are some instances that you use a comma when you could use a seperate sentence possibly