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1
1
Review of On Goldenrod Road  
for entry "Harry and the Circuit" 
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: On Goldenrod Road
chapter reviewed: 2
user name: Milhaud

plot: Mom takes Gary shopping into the town. It’s a port town but the description leaves you wanting (unfortunately). We meet a number of townsfolk through Gary’s eyes.

In the second half, we run into Harry who is well described (neat as a pin) by Gary’s Mom. Harry’s age isn’t really given but I peg him at about 50? The chapter ultimately ends with Mom telling Gary that Harry died. Gary holds back his tears because boys don’t cry (not in those days at least) and says that he understands, only to narrate that he doesn’t really understand.

characters: Gary, Mom, and Harry (others are really just placeholders). Harry comes out well but Gary’s Mom doesn’t (judging by today’s lens). My only issue with the mother was that she explains to Gary that Harry is “mentally retarded”. Of course, back in those days the term was considered polite.

grammar: no problems for the most part

style/voice: Gary’s POV

setting: the town of Port Orchard really and a couple shops.

overall:
WHAT WORKS
-truthfully, it made want to watch the Happy Days theme on YouTube.

WHAT CAN BE LOOKED OVER
-The chapter takes a Harry-centric turn after the halfway point. Maybe emphasize Harry more for the get go. Perhaps the man behind the counter, the fountain lady, or Mr. Powell could mention the guy?

LBL
Local people said the water came from an artesian well and was the purest water Port Orchard had to offer.
[Local people said the water came from an artesian well and was the purest water in Port Orchard.]

My mom explained that he was slow – she called him mentally retarded.
[comes out a little harsh…not sure if this is intentional.]

Although he acted different, I didn’t mind.
[I didn’t mind.]

But I really didn’t see.
[I think this would sound more poignant if: “But I didn’t really see.”]
2
2
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Matt!

Hmm this is a pretty good first draft. Good job!

First - the criticisms. You spend way too much time turning on the computer, so you've got to condense paragraphs 2 - 4.
You use ALOT of brands. Maybe go a bit generic (not just for copyright issues but also so you don't weight the reader down with non-crucial info...(i.e. would it really matter if he used Windows or Linux/Ubuntu? Doubtful, but now you've got me thinking about the operating system when I should be thinking about Ryan's STORY!)



A few suggested corrections:
Several pieces of clothing and books were strewn across the room, a Powderfinger poster hung awkwardly on a wall.
[cut "several"...go ambiguous on this, it's better!]

He raised it onto the hardwood desk in front of the monitors and it slid into the cutout he had made for it
[I would think "cutout" should be "cut out"...maybe MSWord disagrees??]

Ryan smiled, that was his father alright.
[no comma and "alright" should be " all right"...pretty sure MSWord would agree with me on this...]

‘What the fuck are you doing here Nathan?’ asked Ryan.
[I would cut out "Nathan" here. We know who Ryan's talking to. In case you want Ryan to say "Nathan" you'd still need a comma before "Nathan".]



Now the good stuff!!!

You start this off really well. I want to know who Ryan is, what happened to the room. Because I assume it's a woman's room (clothes all over, etc.) I like that it turns out it's Nathan's room (and house obviously). Your opening gives you easy plugins to tell us what Ryan looks like (eyes, facial description, body size, etc.) In your rewrites (and rewrites are a good thing, btw!) fill us in. Give us the room's smell, colors. In other words, bring us in. We want to see everything Ryan sees and know Ryan!

Ryan's father is in prison. You set up what I'm assuming is the plot. He's going to avenge his father's (wrongful) imprisonment and/or break him out. This is great because you're not following the whole middle age dude avenging the death of his spouse; I am naturally assuming Ryan/Nathan work for the government and are middle age men. You've also introduced the sidekick in Nathan.

Yet, you've left open the possibility that Ryan runs into a female foil! Maybe Nathan gets killed by the people who imprisoned Dad and Ryan has to seek the help of some femme fatale who works/ed for the bad guys? Point is: lots of possibilities to venture down...which is a good thing!
3
3
Review of Owl  
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Owl
chapter reviewed: poem
user name: Kerry*

plot: Someone sees an owl (first 3 lines). The owl than talks about hunting then swoops down to make the kill as the morning fast approaches and the owl rests (everything else).

characters: the owl mainly.

grammar: no problems

style/voice: not a rhyming poem but works for the most part.

setting: a tree in the forest (presumably)

overall: Have to admit I find poetry reviews hard to do. Poems tend to be more interpretation based than other stories. This was interesting though, so I’m curious is it possible that the whole thing is from the observer’s thinking, not the actual owl. Could it be the person’s imagination?

WHAT CAN BE FIXED UP
- there’s a POV switch?

WHAT WORKS
- built up tension well enough – considering its about an owl hunting (they’re not the first birds of prey that most people think about lol).


FAVORITE LINES
Wise I am to the night's brisk air.
I see flowers as they sleep.

NOT-SO-FAVORITE LINE
The stars fill the empty space like
4
4
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: Walking With Aunt Fanny
user name: Connieann

plot: It’s November in Florida and an unnamed woman (I like this!) attends Sunday church where she meets a well kept woman, Aunt Fanny. She learns that the secret to Aunt Fanny’s youthful appearance is her walking routine – 5 miles daily of speed walking.

The woman is half Aunt Fanny’s age and decides to walk with her. How hard can it be to keep up? Her husband is skeptical but doesn’t intrude. The day of the big walk, the woman and Aunt Fanny set off. The woman quickly discovers she can barely keep up! Aunt Fanny is nearly super human. Especially at her age.

characters: Aunt Fanny – she’s a tall (around 5’7” or 5’8”) and proud elderly lady with a panchet to walk daily. It’s how she keeps her figure.
Woman – the main character goes unnamed. She is considerably shorter (5’2”). But she seems nice and wants to make friends in her new neighborhood.
Jim – the woman’s husband. Really a minor character but shows his nice side by not trying to disuade his wife from the walk.

grammar: no problems here
style/voice: the woman’s POV. I like how we’re never provided a name.

setting: A november day in Florida.

overall:
WHAT COULD BE EDITED:
-the opening line with the daughter asking Mom to open the door doesn’t quite do it for me. Is there any purpose behind it? Or could you just as easily insert another variation of it? Maybe have the daughter on her iPod and that’s why she can’t get the door herself? Just a thought.
-There’s no major scenic descriptions of landmarks. You do quite well with the scenic environment. But a landmark (or two) would be nice. Maybe a clock tower? The church?

WHAT WORKS:
- Have I mentioned I like how you don’t name the woman?
- Aunt Fanny makes her appearance well into the story. In other words, her introduction isn’t rushed.
- I’m taking a shot in the dark here, but is this story based on personal experience? *Wink*
- the story reads very well!

LINE BY LINE
That invitation led to my friendship with Aunt Fanny. Our family had recently moved to be closer to Jim's brother, and church was the best way to make new friends so the following Sunday found us surrounded by pleasantly inquisitive, friendly people. Aunt Fanny was the first to approach us and introduce herself. She appeared to be in her sixties with perfectly coifed gray curls. She was tall, probably five or six inches more than my five-foot-two and looked to be a perfect weight for her height. Her carriage was regal, and her attire was impeccable. Although, at first she looked a bit unapproachable, her kind welcome and friendly body language overcame my natural timidity. Soon, we were the best of friends.
[we don’t really get any description of the woman at all…other than she’s 5 foot 2.]

She was delighted to hear that, and we arranged to meet up out front the next morning at 9:00 A.M.
[I’d leave out the comma in this sentence.]


"I didn't say a thing. Go. Have fun."
[cute.]

For every step she took, I had to take one and a half or two to keep up. Supposedly, Florida is a flat state. That is not true. Several creeks run through our town, and each one has a valley and then a hill. It seemed like all the creeks converged on our route.
[Did not know this. Quite interesting! I have heard that baby aligators snakes do find their way in people’s home though.]

And going down is no easier than going up.
[Having run track and cross country in high school, I can vouch this is very true!]

I practiced some slow deep breathing I had learned from yoga and finally reached the entrance to my development, still alive, with Aunt Fanny none the wiser.
[Suprisingly you’ve added character depth in a very pleasant way to A.F. with this sentence.]

Resting, I thought about what had happened and what a ninny I had been to think that age alone could slow a person down. Granted, Aunt Fanny may not have been the normal sixty-eight year old, but who knows, maybe she was. I wouldn't be making those kinds of assumptions again. After today, to me, she was Wonder Woman!
[Ahh I like the conclusion! Our main character is proved wrong. Aunt Fanny is Wonder Woman!]
5
5
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title:City of Sin
chapter reviewed: 6
user name: Grace in Thine Eyes


plot: Crystal and her sisters walk through the French quarter alone – which is a big deal as they are still debutantes in the South. Crystal gets separated and meets a fortune teller who tells her that there’s no changing fate. Someone’s going to die. Crystal’s worried but her sisters catch up with her and they had to Rosedown to see their older sister, Elizabeth, who’s given birth recently to a baby girl. Of course she’s felt the urge to name the baby after their mother!

Her husband, Jacob, is nowhere to be seen at the time. Elizabeth says the reason is that the man’s hardly had any rest and so she had sent him away to get obligatory rest. He comes back a bit before dinner/supper and essentially kicks the sisters out of the house under the pretense that Elizabeth still needs her rest.


characters: Elizabeth and Jacob are the only main characters re-introduced. Elizabeth seems normal – loving and caring mother and friendly sister. Jacob is far more mysterious and not fond of the sisters. Like a very shady character.

grammar: not too many issues. There was a POV issue in the last 3rd of the chapter.

style/voice: 3rd person narrative…in line with the story.

setting: the French Quarter. Specifically, the Place d’Armes

overalll:
WHAT SHOULD BE EDITED:
-a couple sentences could flow better here and there
-the fortune teller lady is a bit too typical…maybe change her up a bit…make her younger? Prettier? With teeth, preferably lol.


WHAT WORKS:
-Elizabeth seems a pretty likeable character…although it might be hard to make her relevant in the Crystal’s story …after all, Crystal is certainly not lacking in the sister department!
-Jacob seems to be quite shady character…a future co-villain with Charles perhaps?
-the fortune teller scene (although the fortune teller lady could use some changing around)


LINE BY LINE
It went on and on and Crystal wanted desperately to get away, just for a little while.
[Think you should just start with : “It felt never ending and Crystal…”]

“Sundays are the worst in the Quarter,”
[think you want a period here. ;)]

The coach became hot and stuffy in the afternoon heat, and Crystal longed for a breeze.
[“The coach became hot and stuffy in the afternoon heat. Crystal longed for a breeze.]

Rose and Crystal regarded their sister with wide eyes.
[wide eyed]

What’s the worst that can happen? She considered, you could be robbed, raped and murdered! said her conscious.
[“and” should be cut as should “said her conscious”.]

“No– wait! I’m coming,” Crystal shouted, she pushed passed Rose and climbed from the coach after her sister.
[period after “shouted”?]

The noise was earsplitting, people shouting in French, English...
[The noise was earsplitting. People shouted in French, English,…]

The Place d’Armes was filled to the bursting, as was normal on a Sunday afternoon.
[which was normal on/for a Sunday afternoon]

Crystal half jokingly suggested Dawn and Rose pursue them, seeing as they were more suitable company for young ladies.
[you don’t need the “half jokingly” part…it’s very assumable!]

“Has Dawn completely taken leave of her senses?” Rose asked aspirated
[I like the choice of “aspirated”!]

“Good heavens, doesn’t she know those people are evil?” With a huff Rose darted to Dawn’s side and though Crystal couldn’t hear them speaking, was obviously informing Dawn of the dark world of voodoo. However, Dawn did not seem too worried about it, and refused to hand the necklace over to Rose, all the while the old woman continued picking up funny objects and rambling on about them.
[POV? Or consider splitting into two separate paragraphs…]

The toothless smile returned to the voodoo woman’s face.
[Hmmm, a little on the clicheish side?]

“You’re afraid of your future,” she whispered, her head falling back so she was talking to the sky.
[consider changing this to : “The future frightens you.”]

“You will search for ways, but find nothing you do can help. Fate has already decided. Death is on both paths.”
[good foreshadowing]

The woman quickly let go as Rose approached, followed by Dawn, both looking worried.
[…followed by Dawn. Both looked worried.]

These galleries sketched a lacelike tracery ...
[change “These” to “the”.]

“Ah, Mrs. De Bore been s’pectin’ ya. I been tellin’ her yed be he’e but da mistress, she jus’ impatient.”
[definitely like the accent use…just be sure not to overuse it!]

“And where is your dear doctor husband?” Dawn asked glancing about the room as if he was hiding in the closet or behind the curtains.
[interesting…]

Elizabeth smiled softly. “He’s barely slept since the baby arrived. I finally got him to go take a nap about an hour ago. Of course that was only after I promised him that if I felt– and I quote ‘any sort of pain whatsoever. Even so much as an ache.’ I would send for him. He’s been so worried about me, even though nothing went wrong.”
[I’m hoping there’s more here than meets the eye!]

Crystal laughed. “That’s very sweet of him. You shouldn’t give him a hard time for simply wanting to protect you.”
[cut “simply”…too childish in a way.]

Jacob came in an hour before supper, dark circles under his grey-blue eyes. Visibly suppressing a yawn, he kissed Elizabeth and the baby and sat down on the edge of the bed, raking his hand back through his short wheat colored hair, he squeezed her ankle affectionately. “How are you feeling?”
[Ok this scene change was very abrupt!]
6
6
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title: City of Sine
chapter reviewed: 5. Familiar Stranger
user name: Grace in Thine Eyes

plot: At the ball/dinner Charles makes a couple moves on Crystal. He’s certainly quite full of himself…nice depiction. William – Charles’ henchman – is visibly nervous (nice contrast to Charles’ cool and collected behavior). When the dinner ends, Crystal leaves with her family.

Her mom and her engage in a little spat (mother-daughter stuff) on the carriage ride back home. Crystal, notices a shadowing figure following/watching her. She can’t tell who it is. Her mom and sister are upset that she’s all of a sudden become inattentive to them. Crystal wonders if it could have been Joseph.

characters: the same ones. And everyone’s in pretty much character. Good job.

grammar: a couple issues here (and a semicolon) … all are noted in the line by line.

style/voice: omnipresent 3rd person.

setting: Southern dinner and Louisiana streets at night.

overall:

WHAT COULD BE EDITED:
- a couple words should be switched (noted in the line by line) and a few spelling mistakes
-I thought the chapter lagged a bit
-Also, I felt like the carriage scene could have been a bit more suspenseful

WHAT WORKS:
-You’re keeping up with Charles as the conniving preppy prick who gets by on a smile and money lol
-Some good dialogue
-The mother came off quite prickly in this chapter; sort of reminds me of Rose’s mom (from Titanic)
-Wonder who’s in the shadows (pretty sure it’s Joseph – judging by the chapter title and all - but hope it isn’t since he has no real reason to be stalking her? It’d be nice if it walk William stalking her because Charles has sinister plans for Crystal... )


LINE BY LINE
Crystal laughed at something his father said, and Charles felt a pang of jealousy, she smiled that brilliant smile she seldom wore around him.
[I thought we were in Charles’ POV…]

He recalled the upsetting news he’d been told earlier that night, and his gaze sought William in the crowded room.
[I think you should cut “and”.]

He glanced once more at his father as he and Crystal passed near him. Why couldn’t the man do him one favor in all of his life, and die? Then this would be easy, he wouldn’t have to wait a month for everything to be perfect, and he’d be in control of his future.
[Hmm…like the foreshadowing!]

William followed Charles’ gaze to the couple on the dance floor. “Do you suppose he put Medina in the will for a reason?”
[OK Charles is planning on killing his father…although the speaker isn’t really identified here but I’m going with William speaking.]

It was as the last note of another waltz with Charles faded, that Crystal heard the chime of a small silver bell calling the crowd’s attention.
[This is a very nice sentence…great job!]

When the throng around Charles and Crystal finally thinned, Eleanor announced dinner.
[I highly suggest you add "out" after the word "thinned".]

Charles led Crystal to the head of the table, helped her to sit in the seat across from his parents, and then took the seat at the head.
[don’t think “and” is necessary here.]

“I think that went well don’t you?” he asked, giving her knee a squeeze.
[anyway you could make the tag a bit more “sensual”?]

On the menu tonight, Crystal observed, was cold meats, salads, salmis, galantines quaking in jellied seclusion, and an infinite variety of `a las.
[think you meant “salamis” here rather than “salmis”.]

The meal lasted for almost two hours and, to Crystal, was the most pleasant part of the evening because Charles was so intent upon his conversation and food that he barely found time to speak to her.
[The meal lasted for almost two hours and, to Crystal, was the most pleasant part of the evening; Charles was so intent upon his conversation and food that he barely found time to speak to her. -> flows better like this IMHO.]

It was past midnight when the time finally came for them to leave.
[cut “for them”]

He kissed her cheek in final goodbye, whispering as he did so, “Dream of me.”
[pretty good line…with a touch of arrogance…nicely done!]

But instead of putting images of himself in her head as he’d intended, Charles managed to do just the opposite, push himself out of her mind. He was replaced by a man she really had dreamed of.
[Also nice ending to the paragraph here. I would just change “by a man” to “by THE man”.]

“Though you could have payed a bit more attention to Charles during dinner – the two of you barely spoke the entire time. Not a good sign considering you just got engaged.” Their mother was not one to drown you with compliments. She preferred a healthy layer of critiscm on top of flattery.
[paid and criticism are spelled wrong here.]

“I’m sorry, Mother, forgive me for disappointing you.” Crystal said, her tone almost sarcastic, though neither of her parents seemed to notice.
[don’t need to mention how her tone is. We can pretty much figure that out by the word choice (great job on that btw). ]

“I didn’t say you disappointed me, darling, I was only suggesting that you pay a little more attention to your fiancé at meal times.” Mother gently admonished, oblivious to her daughter’s anger.
[change “only” to “merely”… I think it lends a more “bitchier nuance” to the mom dialogue.]

Some stopped to chat with friendly acquaintances, others called greetings as they walked along the median….
[Semi-colon rather than comma.]


He hadn’t even been concerned that his father would have to die for him to gain command over all the de Mandevilles’ property.
[the “entire” rather than “all”.]

Could it be?

He was too far away for her to be sure. But there was something in the way he sat on the horse that was familiar. Of course it could have been her mind playing tricks on her after the long night of dancing and the stressful announcement, and she had been thinking about him only moments before, that had to be it. But even so she had to be sure.

Scooting over to the other side of the coach, she called out to Rose and Dawn who were still talking with infatuated suitors. “Forgive me, dear sisters, but my stomach seems to be ailing me. If you would like we will go home now and send Ben back for you.”

“Crystal, what on earth are you doing?!” Came Mother’s appalled voice from behind her.
[think it’d be better if you just said “Her mother was appalled.”]

Rose threw her an irritated glare and then whispered something in Dawn’s ear. Turning to Crystal she called. “Very well.”
[not clear as to who’s speaking.]
7
7
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
title: City of Cin
chapter reviewed: 4
user name: Grace


plot: Crystal gets ready for her engagement party. Her sisters play tricks on one another as they get dressed for the same party. Crystal isn't exactly enjoying party and confides in June that she's really not sure about marrying Charles. She then overhears Charles secretly arguing with a certain William.

Overall, this seemed to be a pretty mellow chapter. Reaffirmed what the reader already knows (Crystal is having second thoughts about Charles) and set things up in the plot.

characters: no new introductions and everyone's essentially in character.

grammar: a couple things here and there. They're noted in the line by line.

style/voice: narrative

setting: A southern ball really

overall:
WHAT COULD BE FIXED:
-There were a couple hitches in your two opening paragraphs.
-In the middle of the chapter, there's a character dump that might turn readers off (I personally had to concentrate on that particular paragraph).

WHAT WORKS:
-The sisterly dialogue is very well done.
-June is the confidant, which is good...gives her a distinct role.
-Charles is being set up to be quite the manipulative villain (as evidenced by his behind the bush encounter (no pun intended) with William.

LINE BY LINE
...made her way down the hall in the direction of Rose ...
[...made her way down the hall toward Rose...]

It took two grueling hours to wash, dry, and style her hair into a curling dark mass atop her head.
[Her hair had taken two grueling hours to wash, dry, and style into a curling dark mass atop her head.]

If they did not leave soon there would be no getting to the de Mandevilles’ on time, which would be completely unacceptable.
[...on time. That would be unacceptable.]

However, by the high pitched shouting that was coming from Dawn’s room Crystal wagered that they were far from ready.
[...shouting from Dawn's room...]

“She hide them because she’s mad I wouldn’t let her wear them to the ball.”
[are you sure you don't mean, "hid" here?]


“Christy! ” Crystal interjected, catching on to the reason for her youngest sister’s glee.
[this sentence could flow better...]


Crystal and Dawn exchanged an aspirated glance, their youngest sister...
[Crystal and Dawn exchanged an aspirated glance. Their youngest sister...]

Crystal suppressed a cough from the excessive amounts of perfume Mrs. de Marginy wore and returned the gesture.
[change "and" to "to" and "returned" to "return".]

“Oh, I’m better then fine, dear, wonderful in fact.”
["then" should be "than".]

“I was grieved to hear of your ill health last week...”
[They used to say "I was grieved" in those days?]

“That’s because I’m thankful I’ve lived to see the day my son asks a woman to marry him.” he said in a low voice so that those around them could not overhear.
[comma before "he said".]

Dawn was already spinning around in the arms of a young gentleman Crystal didn’t recognize, while poor Rose’s feet were being trampled by June’s cousin Felix’s large awkward feet. Across the room she saw her cousin, Lily Almonaster, slipping out to the gardens with Edward Chalmette in tow. Near the very edge of the floor, June was flirting with Lily’s brother, Phillip Almonaster, his gangly body shadowing June’s petite frame.
[we see a lot of characters in this paragraph. I think this would work just fine on a TV screen, not sure how well it translates onto the page.]

When June eventually glanced her way...
["eventually" can be cut.]

“I did think it tasted a little funny,” June muttered, pushing a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “But that’s what Pierre said it was...”
[I was thinking the same thing!]

“I’m glad you think so.” Crystal hugged her back, feeling more like the most gullible friend anyone could ever have.
[I like this.]

“You’re probably right, and I suppose it’s a little late to be having doubts...”
["to be having" could be shortened to "for".]

Lily’s shriek split across the garden and Charles and William abruptly fell silent;
[Lily's entrance seems a bit sudden...not sure how you can remedy this...it's pretty minor but I just wanted to bring your attention to it!]


He knew she didn’t like him touching her like this in public, or anywhere for that matter.
[instead of the comma use ... to build up a bit more suspense in the narrative.]
8
8
Review of The Prince  
for entry "Damien I: Chapter 3" 
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
title: The Prince
chapter reviewed: Damien I: Chapter 3
user name: RedMage


plot: The stove breaks. Damien (aka DayMan) goes to confront his landlord, Mathieu, about the stove situation. It should be mentioned that the stove has a history of breaking down. Mathieu seems convinced that the boys are causing it to break. Damien and Mathieu have a verbal spat about it. Mathieu takes the opportunity to remind Damien that his rent is coming due. It is due on Artist's Day which is at the start of Winter Law. These are two terms that peaked my interest but the reader still needs to see the relevence of these "days" to this "world".

characters: We really only meet the landlord, Mathieu here who really seems to be ass.

grammar: sentence structure issues.

style/voice:third person narrative...

setting: I'm confused here...is this supposed to be a fantasy world or Detriot (or a someother rundown big city)?

overall:
WHAT MAY NEED REWORKING:
-There doesn't seem to be a plot here per se...maybe it's just slowly developing...
-I can't really tell what type of story this is...I'm assuming it's fantasy based though...

WHAT WORKS:
-The secret letter and the Guardian's identity are very good hooks...
-I like how you touch on the back ground of the "Day Man" nickname...although you only got into it briefly.
-I'm interest is peaked with "Winter Law"...you've clearly designed an entire world here...terrific!
-Mathieu is a pretty decent villian (if he is infact the villian of the story)


LINE BY LINE

Chapter 3



The next day was better. Except for the bitter cold weather, of course.
[you can cut "of course" as it doesn't add anything.]


With a sigh he unhooked the shovel from its hook and retrieved the pan from beneath the hearth.
[He sighed, unhooking the shovel....and retrieving....]


He forced himself to take a deep breath.
[He took a few deep breaths.]

In and out, in and out.
[I like this!]


When he and Twitch had returned home the previous night, they had found Sticks and Feather already there. Giddy with relief, they had both rushed to them and given them big hugs. Sensing something was wrong, however, Sticks had stepped away from Damien with a look of concern on his face that the Day Man had never seen before. “You alright?” Sticks had asked.
[I'm not too sure about this paragraph...]


“Damien ran into an old friend,” Twitch had said eagerly. “A lieutenant in our city guard.” Sticks and Feather hanging on his every word from then on, Twitch had still been talking when Damien fell asleep.
[I'm assuming both these paragraphs are flashbacks so maybe you put them in italics (I don't know, but something to consider).]


Now, awake, he felt himself in need of some food. Replacing the shovel and pan he went to the small gas stove in the corner. A miraculously clean skillet was in the cupboard beside it and the icebox contained a single slab of aging meat. Taking these he put them on the stove and turned its knobs. Nothing happened. There should have been the hiss of gas but instead there was only silence.
[I think you need to rewrite this paragraph into the past tense...the way it's now it doesn't feel right.]



Alright, he said to himself. I’m hungry, I’m cold, and there is nothing I can do about it. And we’re out of food and gas. Nothing I can do. It isn’t my fault. Not my fault at all.
[He's probably thinking this to himself right? Not saying?]



Pocketing them, Damien set his cap determinedly on his head and departed.
[The sentence structure works here pretty well...]

“It’s broken.”
“Can’t be. Louis said he fixed it.”
“Well he didn’t.” Damien crossed his arms. He was always like this, their landlord. Everything was a fight him. “It worked a few days and then, just this morning, it stopped.”
“Somebody must’ve done somethin’.”
[I like the dialogue .]


His landlord, a man by the name of Mathieu, glanced up from the papers on his desk.
[His landlord, Mathieu, glanced...]


“Right,” Mathieu said, his tone skeptical.
[Mathieu said, skeptically.]


Coming around his desk he said, “Don’t you take that tone with me, boy.”
[He came around his desk. "...." ]



The little bell Mathieu hung above the door ringing as he opened it, Damien was stopped on his way out when Mathieu said, “Rents due on Artists-day”
[interesting...]



Damien couldn’t believe it. “But, but that’s the first day of Winter Law,” he stammered after a moment. From what Sticks said, and what he himself had witnessed the year before, no one did business on the first day of Winter Law. It was just too dangerous. Looking over his shoulder he saw that Mathieu had already returned to his papers.
[THis is a good paragraph...curious about "Winter Law" but the Sticks reference here distracts me...]


Turning, Damien slammed the door behind him.
[Damien turned and slammed the door.]

The man was cheating them. Had been all year. He had probably been cheating his other tenants even longer than that too.
[terrific paragraph...feels like it builds good tension...you need more of this!]

His apprenticeship hadn’t been for nothing.
[His apprenticeship hadn't been a complete waste -> I think this reads better. I also like how you touch on the history of his nickname.]


Perhaps he could arrange something.
[Go with "maybe" in this instance.]


An idea already forming in his mind, Damien smiled.
[An idea popped into his head. He smiled as he turned the corner.]
9
9
Review of The Prince  
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with Novel Review Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Meant to get this to you earlier, but couldn't....sorry. But, better late than never!


title: The Prince
chapter reviewed: Damien I: Chapter 1
user name: RedMage


plot: A group of four decide to to rob a house one of them has staked out previously. They enter and are discovered by the "house master". Their robbery is botched and they make a quick getaway. The story has potential (although I'm not sure exactly what the story line is...is it the girl that's crying upstairs?) but the characters and the sentence structure get in the way. So there's definate room for improved. But like I said, tons of potential!


characters: D-Man/Damien - likely to be the MC. He is also the most "learned"/educated member of the group.
Sticks -Likely D-Man's mentor. And probably the guy who brought the group together. So possibly the oldest.
Twitch and Feather seem more secondary. Twitch being the member that scews up the most and Feather probably the best friend type....both are possible comic reliefs really.


grammar: the grammar here actually had a few problems. Just see the Line by Line (you repeated alot of the same mistakes...)

style/voice:third person narrative...

setting: we're not told where exactly. But it seems to be a suburban area? We are also given names like South Gardens.

overall:
WHAT MAY NEED REWORKING:
-the overall voice/narration of this changing too much
-you should work on the character descriptions more…the way you have them now, they pull the reader out of the story.
-I felt there were too many characters introduced, too soon. Now, I’m guilty of this myself, but I think you should really just pick one of them and go with that person. Introduce the characters through him…and later on if needed give them their own chapters (as/if the story calls for them).


WHAT WORKS:
-the mystery of the Towers and the South Gardens…you definitely laying out the characters’ world!
-You definitely managed to convey the atmosphere of theft/burglary. So definite potential.
-There was also a terrific line here: “House is ours.” First thought that came to my head was the movie Panic Room…so you got me to associate the chapter with tension (which I’m thinking you do intend to convey).





LINE BY LINE

Bells rang all across the city tolling the hour. Snow falling, gas street lamps lit white islands of safety and security on every corner of Miller’s Road. The snow gleaming with the light, the very air seemed aglow with it.
[great first sentence! My only suggest would be to delete "all" and maybe add a comma after city(?). You should also decide between either "safety" or "security" not both...it's repetative. Aside from these, great opening IMO.]

Four pairs of eyes appeared in that darkness just beyond the edge of one of the street lamps.
[go with “the darkness” rather than “that darkness”.]

Looking this way and that, seeing no one, they became four heads, four bodies, and eight arms and eight legs as they slunk into the light.
[“they turned into four hands…”]


They were not far from the Towers here.
[ok my interest is up … good!]

They could see the western gate of that walled, city-within-a-city from where they stood beneath the lamp. And they were deep within Green Bows. And along Miller’s Road, the duchy’s largest street no less. The hour late, if anyone were to appear out of the darkness now it would mean trouble. Soldiers or locals, it would make no difference. No one but thieves were ever out after midnight. Not in Avalla. No one else but spies and assassins.
[good paragraph and pretty descriptive…though the less sentence just doesn’t feel right.]

“Quick, which way?” asked the tallest. Called Sticks, he was tall and gangly.
[said Sticks. He was the tallest of the group and a gangly fellow (or something along these lines.]

Shorter, he was of average height for his fourteen years of age and his voice held none of the worry of Sticks’.
[I didn’t sense worry in Sticks’ voice.]

He had spied out this place earlier in the week.
[you should choose another word instead of “spied”…maybe “cased the place”?]

Deep brown eyes swiveling from one side of the street to the other, the boy never stopped searching for trouble. Presently they came to the street. Turning, he led them into its shadows. At the end he halted, taking refuge behind a stack of old crates. Crouching, he turned to the others.
[you should move the sentences in this paragraph around somewhat. They don’t really flow well the way they currently are.]

“The house is the third on the right, just down there,” he whispered.
[“It’s the third on the right, down there.” Sounds more realistic…remember, you don’t have to spoon feed us everything…we can figure a few things out as we read.]

Crouching low, they all listened once more.
[Try: “They crouched low and listened.]

That was a good sign.
[I think you mean: “These were all good signs.”]

Pointing to the two smaller boys, the one called D-Man said, his voice just as soft as the other’s, “Chimney, north corner.” The two nodded and dashed away. A very cold night, the two left edged closer to one another to wait.
[Start this paragraph off with D-Man.]

It was several minutes before the house’s rear door was opened
[“It was a few minutes before the house’s back door would open.”]

He spoke in a soft voice, barely even a whisper. “House is ours.”
[…barely above a whisper. BTW “House is ours.” is a great line! Reminds me of Panic Room for whatever reason (the movie).]

Twitch grinned. Two years older than Feather, he possessed a strange twitch in his right cheek. “Yeah, there’s this girl. Really pretty. I’d like to get into bed with her.”
[too soon for age descriptions/comparisons…do their ages even add anything to the story?]

Sticks rolled his eyes but smiled nevertheless.
[Sticks smiled, rolling his eyes.]

Sticks laughed despite himself. “That’s my job. Now, come on, we’ve all got work to do.”
[“Sticks laughed despite himself” isn’t needed…you should just cut it.]

The chimney’s fireplace here, he found a still warm coal with which to light them.
[you should fix this sentence up. A POV issue with : “…fireplace here…”]

Passing out the candles, they all got to work relieving the house of its valuables.
[Ok, remember, they passed out the candles, first, and then got to work. Couldn’t have down both at the same time, right?]

“I most certainly will not,” said Damien, from his chosen place before a bookshelf. Pulling down a book he flipped its pages briefly before replacing it on the shelf. Then, smiling sadly, he glanced over his shoulder at Twitch. “You wouldn’t like her. She’s ugly and much too old for you.”
[Ok because you already have so many characters introduced…it’s not a good idea to give one character two names, the way you’re doing with D-Man/Damien. Stick with one name…in my opinion go with Damien. And make him the focal point of the group. Everyone else can go by nicknames.]

D-Man, the title he had been given when Sticks had found him, it designated him as the most learned man of their gang. Therefore, anything that did not directly involve picking locks, sneaking into homes and businesses and relieving them of their valuables, was his responsibility. Day Man, it meant. The one who takes care of the daylight affairs of the gang.
[Ok then, is D-Man the leader of the group? Also the background is nice but do we need it here? Maybe you should just deal with the scene and fill in the backgrounds as the story moves forward.]

“Thief! Thief!” roared the master of the house.
[The master of the house roared.]

Damien’s eyes widening, he stopped listening and started moving. Running down the hall, he glanced into every door he passed, looking for the others. Upstairs he could hear a girl crying, her father cursing as he stumbled about in the dark.
[Consider rewriting: “Damien’s eyes widened and started to move quickly. He ran down the hall, glancing into each door as he passed by. He heard a girl crying upstairs.” Who’s stumbling? The father or Damien? I’m not clear.]

Twitch was there, suddenly darting out in front of him.
[Twitch darted out in front of him.]

“Bigger problems? Like what?”
“Oh, maybe like the guards chasin’ us.”
[funny.]

“Step on it Twitch,” he shouted as the boy started to fall behind. “And stay close. This may get real dicey, real quick.”
[Ok, good way to build up suspense.]

Behind them the guards too began to pick up their speed.
[you don’t need “too”.]
10
10
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: Untitled
chapter reviewed: Saphire's Discovery Chapter 2
user name: Sierra

plot: chapter opens up with Saphire and her best friend Mandy. We also find out the Damien has found Doc. Saphire is confronted by a goblin who attacks where when she refuses to go with him to his master. Mandy and Saphire have questions for Doc, who's also Saphire's grandpa (not biologically though). And so Damien meets Saphire and Mandy.

characters: Saphire- young girl who's at the center of a war.
Mandy - her best friend who sees who is evil and who is good protects Saphire against the goblin.


grammar: commas and apostrophes

style/voice: narrative

setting: unnamed grasslands in the summer

overall:

WHAT MAY NEED REWORKING:
-punctuation and commas and apostrophes (but nothing major...just edit a bit)
-You managed to make me care about Saphire to an extent but I don't really care what happens Damien nor Doc. Maybe they get more developed later on.


WHAT WORKS:
-set up a lot of mystery for a second chapter...who's Atrune's master?
-you hint at a connection between Doc and the witch...


LINE BY LINE



Mandy, her best friend of twenty years, sat down next to her.
[wording feels off here.]



Saphire stood perplexed.
[ditch perplexed.]

“I may not be able to explain everything, but I know someone who can.”
["I don't know, but I know someone who might."]

".. I have no clue what‘s going on...”
[ditch this part.]

The feeling gets stronger when I head for the trees over there.” She took her friends arm. [NEW PARAGRAPH HERE]They had been close a long time.

Saphire walked straight toward the creature’s hiding place. “Yuck, what is that smell. Maybe there’s a dead animal close by.
[Question mark after "smell" I think.]

He revealed himself.
[what does he look like?]


Ruby eyes bulged out of it‘s head. It wheezed with every breath, while greenish-yellow puss oozed out of the boils that covered it‘s face. “My master would like a word with you. He says you are the key to our victory. Come with me, and you shall have all the answers you desire.” the creature held out his short stubby hand as if Saphire would touch it.
[good paragraph]

“...Goblins, in all my life I have never come across a good one...”
[rephrase this if you can.]

“Saphire is it, beautiful name.”
[question mark after "is it"]

A stubby hand reached out to her. “I shall return the favor and tell you my name, I am Atrune..."
[period after "myname."]

“I can’t go with you. Please tell your master that I do apologize, but I don’t trust that it is the best thing for me.” Saphire began to back away. She didn’t want to turn her back on the creature.

“You will be sorry witch.”
[comma before witch.]

“Saphire! Watch out,” Mandy screamed.


“...if you refuse to come with me ..."
[I think this should be "refused".]

He grabbed his chest as he stood.
[I don't think you need "as he stood."pretty obvious.]


“We were in the park, Atrune a goblin prince was there..."
[I think this should be: "We were in the park and a goblin attacked us." btw where does Atrune say he's a prince?]

“You said the goblins name was Atrune...”
[goblin's]

“I understand Doc, but how do we know who is on the good side and the bad.”
["...and who's on the bad."]

“...Damien has all ready passed the test..."
["...already passed..."]

...He is on the good side, he means us no harm...
["...on the good side. He means..."]


“Doc, I have a question for you. Why is it Saphire has not been told about..”
["about" isn't needed...it hurts the flow actually.]

“First off it was her Grandmothers dieing wish...”
["First off, it was her Grandmother's dying wish..."]

“Saphire its okay.”
["Saphire, it's okay."]

“Who are you?” Saphire looked at the man helping her to the booth. When he smiled, she noticed he had cute little dimples, “How did I get here? Mandy what happened?”

“Saphire, this is Damien, he is here to help..."
["...Damien. He is here..."]

This man only stood 4 foot tall, and yet he could calm anyone down with just a touch.

["This man..." should be "He..."]


“All right then tell me about you..."
["Alright, tell me about yourself..."]

Mandy said from beside Saphire.
[Mandy said beside Saphire.]

“Mandy what do you mean it explains a lot,” Saphire looked at her best friend. They had been close since she started coming out to visit her grandmother many years ago. They looked to be the same age, but Stacy always seemed to know more about the world.
[good backstory here.]

“I am a seerer; I use my powers to sort out the evil from the good. See if anyone has done black magic then their aura will be covered in a black film.” Mandy got up from the booth. “Now if you will excuse me. I must go and check on the Inn. I have a few visitors coming this afternoon. Saphire, I hope to see you later.” Mandy seemed a little nervous talking about herself.
[again, very good extrapolation...though you should revisit this by showing it as the story moves on.]

“So, I must trust Damien to take me to her right,”
[question mark after "right"]

“I’m sorry Saphire, but if you are coming with me we will need to leave first thing in the morning. I will take you home so you can pack a few things.” Damien slid out of the booth.

“What about my food? “ She stopped the waitress. “Can I get a box for this please? Good bye Doc. I don’t know when I will see you again, but please know I always thought of you as my granddad.” Saphire leaned over the table to hug Doc.
[this is a funny scene...]


“My house is at the end of Wolf Lane.” She pointed to the road sign.
[interesting imagrey with Wolf Lane but it takes away from the fantasy land aspect I thought you were going for.]


“Thank you for the ride, I will see you in the morning. If you like you can come by early for coffee.” She waved as she walked to the door.

Damien headed back to the Fairy Inn, the whole way thinking about this woman he was now responsible for. “Please, take good care of her while she is with you,” the old dwarf had said right before Mandy had come running in with Saphire. ‘How could I let any harm come to her, she does play a very important role in the war that is to come,’ he thought. However, he could not shake the feeling that there was another reason he wanted to keep her safe.

[good close...they're developing a friendship. curious to see the sides inthis war.]
11
11
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title:The Dream
chapter reviewed:1
user name: mystic sierra


plot: Alex, a vampire, is summoning the watchers because of a dream he had the night before. He tells his wife and nephew (not biological) that his powers are weakening and he is dying. Damien, the nephew, must now find a woman living in the “Serenity” about a prophecy.
characters: Alex – A grandfather and a 170 yr old vampire. Leader of the Watchers?
Anita- Alex’s wife. She’s a witch and likely immortal (in a way) too.
Damien – The nephew
grammar: no real major issues
style/voice: Good for the most part but Alex doesn’t really seem to have a character voice of his own…
setting:A morning at some undisclosed location (it’s 5AM)
overall:

WHAT MAY NEED REWORKING:
-The opening
- Alex’s voice seems too modern at times too cryptic at others.
-the physical location of where they are…is sunlight peering into the kitchen?...there’s no physical description really.


WHAT WORKS:
-what is Alex really?
-Why is time of the essence, why will it be a long day, and what is Anita’s “life cycle” (will she eventually die) all pretty good thoughts caused by the chapter.
-The “journey” awaiting Damien in the Serenity …although I’m not too sure about the Dwarf named Doc (that made me laugh actually)

LINE BY LINE
As the sun began to rise in the east, a wicked storm brewed on the western horizon.
[Maybe start this as “The sub began to rise in the east and wicked storm brewed on the west.”]

Alex looked at his wife of a hundred years...
[maybe incorporate this later in the story instead of blurting it out like this?]

“What is it honey?” Anita switched on the lamp next to their queen size canopy bed.
[pretty up to date for a 100 yr old woman …intriguing]

“The time has come..”
[I think, “It’s time” would have more impact, just my opinion.]

“Yes dear.” Anita threw on her purple cotton robe and headed to the kitchen.

Alex dialed the phone on the night stand.
[“He picked up the phone on the nightstand and dialed.”]

Anita gave him a shy grin.
[maybe reword this somehow?]

“Oh, Alex.” Her blush went to the bone. “You always know just what to say.”
[really? Lol…sounds a bit clichish but maybe it works…we’ll see.]

“Please, prepare a place for Damien, he shall be joining us in about ten minutes.”
[Ok Alex seems to go from like a modern high school “voice” to this cryptic old and wise “voice” on a whim.]

Anita looked up at her husband, his face wrinkled with age, eyes gray and full of knowledge. He was six foot three, a little tall for 170 years old, but normal for a vampire.
[is his height important?]


Anita watched as her grandson made his way to the kitchen table.
[“Anita watcher her grandson make his way…” I think flows better.]

Still as handsome as ever, long black hair pulled into a neat little ponytail at the nape of his neck. The dimples when he smiled made him look angelic and innocent. His eyes were ice blue, his smile a little crooked. ‘Someday this man is going to catch the eye of a worthy woman,’ She thought to herself.
[so Anita’s a typical grandmother …]

“I’m doing fine sweetie, please sit down. The coffee is almost ready, I have breakfast started, will you stay?”

“ I am sorry to have troubled you so early. Unfortunately, time is of the essence.” His tone was serious.
[we can extrapolate that his tone was serious.]

“I have many talents, however mind reading is not one of them, tell me what could have you so upset.”
[“…talents; mind reading is not…”]

“Alex, we have been patient long enough.” Anita placed the coffee tray on the oak table. “Why don’t you tell us what’s going on now.”

“So what does it mean?” Damien sipped his coffee slowly.

“It means, my dear grandson, that the time of the prophecy is upon us. It also means that I have to ask you to take on a very difficult and dangerous task.” Alex stood with coffee in hand.
[maybe use “embark/set upon” rather than “take on a”]

She realized what had happened as soon as Alex mentioned the dream.
[she’s ahead of me lol]

"I owe my life to the both of you, so I shall do as you ask. Where can I find her?" Damien couldn't help the memories that flooded his mind. The strange man who attacked him and left him for dead.
[so he’s not Alex’s biological nephew…maybe this info should be given later on?]


“It is a small town discovered by a dwarf named Doc...”
[not sure how well Doc the dwarf will fit into this story…we’ll see.]

Anita watched the two men in her life as she set the table for breakfast.
[I don’t think “the two men in her life” is necessary. Just say “She watched them from the corner of her eye while she sat the table…”]
12
12
Review of Price of Passion  
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Wow lol! the end (almost) made up for the criticisms that I had for you. But anyway let me share them. Maybe they're worthwhile and helpful for you. I think your first two sentences are just too convoluted (sp?) There's just too many commas, I feel. "Sensing movement" got my attention but the rest lost it. Maybe you could just start with "I sensed movement. My eyes dialated..." Just a thought.

Also, for whatever reason, the sentence "Lover's nutrition rich corpse" just didn't read well. I actually read it over a couple times before I understood (I was probably throwing in mental punctuation in there but still thought to point out to you).

This is obviously relatively short and those are my only criticisms. But as I said in the beginning the twist (though pretty logical when you think about it) just erased all my criticisms (and raised the rating lol!)

All in all very good!
13
13
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Island of My Heart
chapter reviewed: 1
user name: Grace


plot: an unnamed mom is standing on a beach (on an island- from the title). She’s a single mom and has made a bunch of sacrifices to keep her daughter Grace, against the wishes of her own family, her baby’s dad (who may or may not be her husband as well), and the dad’s family. All of whom wanted an abortion and then an adoption…the adoption part I’m not to clear on actually. Myabe I misread somewhere. Regardless, the woman’s tired but happy.

She’s returned to the island and the house she was forced to leave to bury her mother and face her demons/past. Pretty good setup actually.

characters: a mom and her daughter, Grace.

grammar: no problems as far as I can tell.

style/voice: character narrated in what I originally thought to be a flashback but isn’t so the story’s being told in the present.

setting: beach setting in isolation in March

overall:

WHAT MAY NEED WORK:
-foreshadowing too much the plot
-the random guy singing on the porch

WHAT WORKS:
-overall idea of the plot is pretty good.
-incorporating her appearance with the surroundings: ex: the wind sweeping her hair, etc.
-favorite treat comment and the domino’s pizza/seafood gumbo
-I read this thinking the story would be a flashback; that the wake and funeral had already happened, but it turns out she’s just gotten to the island.

LINE BY LINE

Three years ago I stood in this exact same spot, at this exact same time. Watching as the sun sank over the horizon.
[This might flow better as a single sentence? : “Three years ago I stood in this exact same spot, at this exact same time and watched the sun sink over/into the horizon. “ Just a thought.]


My toes squished into the wet sand, as cold salt water rushed over my bare feet, spritzing my face with the stinging mist. Wind swept down the shore and tangled my long blonde hair. Blowing it across my face; I pushed it back with my free hand.
[maybe cut the first sentence into a few? : “My toes squished into the wet sand. Cold salt water rushed over my bare feet; the stinging mist spritzing my face.” Aside from this pretty good imagery in this paragraph.]


She was everything to me, and leaving my family and this island was all worth it.
[sentence gives away WAY TOO MUCH]

The day I felt her move for the first time convinced me of that.
[great opportunity to foreshadow here…maybe go with something “more delicate” like: “The day I felt her move for the first time convinced me no sacrifice was too much.” -> not really the best alternative but the only one I can think of at the moment…I’m sure you can come up with better phrasing if you choose to go that route.]


Standing in front of the house I grew up in, and holding the hand of the reason I left; I can't believe I'm here. That I came back. It was finally time to bury my past-- along with my mother.
[interesting]

Her baby lisp was clearly evident.
[maybe cut “clearly” as it’s not important.]


"Come on." I hefted her up higher on my hip and turned to the familiar beach house that was set on high stilts. "Aunt Clara's waiting for us inside. She got you powder donuts," I said distracting her with her favorite treat.
[considering it’s a favorite treat…and for someone her age favorite treats are a pretty big deal…you should spend a bit more time on it…like a sentence or two…why is it her favorite treat, has it always been so?]

Gracie let out a shout of glee and leaned toward the house as if this would somehow get us there faster. I laughed and started back up the beach. Swiping up the two pairs of sandals that we had left farther up the shore; I reminded Gracie that she was required to eat her dinner before she was allowed dessert.
[“that she had to eat” rather than “that she was required to eat” feels more intimate that way.]

Not that either one was any better than the other. Domino's pizza was not exactly Mom's homemade seafood gumbo.
[See, you go into this funny detail about pizza and seafood. Just do the same for the favorite treat mention.]

I climbed the dune hills, ignoring the staircase that was set there for just such a purpose.
[“I climbed up the dune hills…”]

I had yet to figure out how two children could ruin something that was supposed to protect against crashing waves.
[this sentence doesn’t really work since it comes across as if your comparing two kids with crashing waves…while (I’m assuming) your comparison is more about the innocence of kids and the violence/damage of large, white-water, crashing waves and all that.]

I stopped in my tracks, and without breathing, looked across the hundred feet of land that separated our houses. He was sitting on his mama's front porch steps like we used to do for hours every summer when we were young. Him singing and playing, me humming along. Seeing him there again today, I felt like I'd stepped back in time. His deep golden tan never faded, even when the cold came. He was so warm, with chocolate brown eyes, and dark hair that was streaked with blonde from endless hours in the hot sun. He had on the same worn and stained pair of jeans I'd threatened to burn so many times. And he had yet to trash the cheap guitar I had bought him for his fifteenth birthday. It was scratched and scribbled on but He'd always sworn it was the best sounding instrument he'd ever played.
[Who is he? Lol]

So I gave up on them. The day Mama planned on dragging me down to the clinic, I caught a bus for New Orleans and never looked back.
[Nice…great backstory info here.]

At least not until one week ago when I'd gotten the call from my younger sister, Clara (the only person I'd kept in contact with).
[the parentheses sort of threw me off…can you reword this? Then again, maybe I’m the only one that’s bothered by them…seems like you arbitrarily stuck the info in them not because it belongs there but because there was nowhere else to put it.]

Yes, I cried. Cried for lost years, for a mother that betrayed me, and for a grandmama my baby would never know.
[Might want to consider changing this up a bit: “Yes, I cried. I Cried for lost years. I cried for a mother that betrayed me. For a grandmother my baby would never know.”]

It was at that moment that Johnny looked up. The music stopped, and I ran inside.
[interesting…I spent this whole time reading this thinking the story was her flashback…but she’s actually just gotten to the island and to her mom’s wake (I’m assuming that’s what’s going on inside)…pretty intriguing.]
14
14
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: Dark Heirloom
chapter reviewed: Ch 3
user name: Grace


plot: Dawn, one of the de la Chaise sisters, is picking out a dress. There’s no real plot per say aside from that she’s a girl and they’ve all been locked her room for 3 hours because the dress she will wear to the ball will change her life and in the morning people will remember what she wore. But I think this chapter is good at actually illustrating the interactions between the sisters. You do a good job of giving each, nuances of, different personalities – and manage to show that in dialogue.

characters: Crystal – the MC. Liza makes an appearance at the end. The de la Chaise girls are also described. Rose – 14 is the middle child and can behave childishly. Remember to show this eventually in the story…right now you’ve only told us so. Elizabeth is the oldest, is married to a doctor, and is 9 months pregnant. Dawn is 15 and is seemingly happy –go-lucky. Again be sure to illustrate this later on. Christy is the youngest. No age is given and she’s apparently not important enough to warrant her own paragraph! Lol.

grammar:pretty good for the most part. There are a couple things here and there and one overly modern comment that one of your characters makes…but aside from that all good.

style/voice: considering the time period the story takes places…there is one line that’s like straight from the 90s. But other than that it’s very consistent to your other chapters. Works.

setting: Dawn’s bedroom

overall:

WHAT WORKS:
-We get a glimpse into the personalities of all the girls ---> Elizabeth isn’t really clear but then again she is 9 months pregnant and really is only paying lip service to Dawn’s dilemma.
-You show that Crystal is really dreading her marriage but her just dazing out during Dawn’s fitting.
-Aside from Crystal, Dawn’s and Rose’s personalities come out very well.

WHAT DOESN’T:
-There’s a lack of description about the room.
-Do you have to describe what the sisters look like in block paragraphs? I mean, as long as you expand on those paragraphs throughout the story it’s alright…---->Don’t forget to hark back to Elizabeth’s pregnancy eventually, Rose’s fits, and Christy’s shadyness lol.
-There’s also a line that is just way too modern for the setting and disctracts.
-The very last sentence isn’t really necessary in my opinion.



…. the dream that was tormenting her…
[…the dream that tormented her…]

She was nine months pregnant and, on doctor’s –her husbands– orders …
[there’s something about this line that I like lol but add “the” before “doctor’s”.]

They all had the similar dark hair and fair complexions, they were tall and slim figured with the same blue eyes and straight white teeth. Beyond that they all had their own personalities. Christy was the sweet baby girl, a princess that could never do anything wrong, but underneath she was a sly little sneak.
[a few edits in this paragraph might make it a bit smoother. Try: “They all had the similar dark hair and fair complexions. They were tall with slim figures and had the same blue eyes [and straight white teeth]- is this part about the teeth really needed?. Beyond that they all had their own personalities. Christy was the youngest and the sweet one. She seemed a princess that could do no wrong, but in reality she was a sly little sneak.”]

Then when told it was because she was not mature enough she would storm off to her room sobbing dramatically, proving their point.
[Great line! But think about starting the sentence with “When” and not “Then”.]

… reveling in this, the prime of her life.
[another great line….has an almost tragic ring to it too lol.]

“…The others are more ‘tea party,’ not a ‘ballroom dance.’” Rose said.
[change “not a “ with “than”. Sounds better in my opinion.]

asked Dawn looking slightly distressed.
[cut “asked” and change “looking” to “looked”.]

“No. We don't like it. We told you that an hour ago.”
[cut “We don’t like it.” It’s a bit repetitive and, more importantly, going blunter here gives Rose’s words more impact.]

“But if none of you like it, then no one at the ball will like it.”
[Great line, again!]


“I didn’t say that!” Dawn shouted.
[you should really ditch “shouted.” Leave that to the reader’s mind…it’s pretty obvious anyway. And you should add some sport of physical movement here. Or some facial expression would help get the reader to concentrate more on the line. It’s a very good and realistic comment that a girl in a fitting room would make, and adds personality to the character. So you should emphasize it.]

But her parents were so happy; with five girls it was always a secret fear that they wouldn’t be able to marry them all off.
[So far, this is the funniest sentence in the story. Terrific!]

… I can’t bear to hurt you.
[This thought isn’t really believable. They’re still strangers so I think it’s a bit overly romanticized for the to actually think this…unless Crystal’s thinks that Joseph thinks so…but I don’t know if Crystal’s the type of girl to go head over heals that way…atleast that’s not the way you’ve painted her thus far. Anyway, I’m probably not doing a good job of explaining lol, but the line doesn’t really work for me– thus far at least lol.]

… she was not doing a thorough job, they had noticed it; her sisters thought …
[…she was not doing a thorough job. They had noticed it. Her sisters thought… - shorter sentences here work better I think.]

… even if she could have told her sisters about it she probably wouldn't have. T
[this isn’t all that clear.]

… but he did….
[I think this should be “but he had”?]

… and she tried ….
[…and although she tried…]

“I agreed to the purple one an hour ago.”
[choose either “one” or “an”…]

…after her escapade last week …
[great word choice with “escapade”.]

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”
[Really lol…don’t you think this is a bit too modern for the setting lol…]

… arrangement, there was no choice in the matter.
[….arrangement, that there was no choice in the matter. ]

… for turning back.
[…to turn back.]

Crystal sighed and, once Liza had finished, went to the basin to wash her face. Liza was digging in the trunk at the end of the bed for a nightgown when Crystal turned around. Patting her face dry with a towel, Crystal wandered over to her wardrobe and pulled out the dress she had chosen to wear. It was an off the shoulder frock made of ice blue silk. It had a form fitting bodice and the skirt was embroidered with seed pearls. To go with the outfit she had a pearl choker necklace and pearl-drop earrings along with a delicate lace shawl to be wrapped around her shoulders.
[This is a pretty thorough description lol!]


The entire costume was created by her mother.
[maybe think about using “outfit” over “constume”-can’t help but think of Halloween lol it’s something distracting and “designed” rather than “created”.]


Said good night …
[She said good night….]

Was that too much to ask? Maybe it was her punishment for sneaking out that night. Whatever it was, she just wanted to sleep.
[This makes a great end to the chapter!]

But she didn't.
[This closing I don’t think works…you have a great one right above it. As you have the next chapter to get into the dream she’s obviously going to have…it’s basically implied a couple lines above. No need to allude to it again just for the sake of a hook. Just my opinion.]

PS your novel title is terrific!
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15
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Title: City of Sin
chapter reviewed: ch.2 (Emerald Fire)
user name: Grace

plot: The majority of this chapter is a basically a dream sequence.
characters: Crystal – the main character who has a strange “dream” of Joseph. Joseph- the mysterious stranger who brought her home the previous chapter. Seems to have a lot of back story. Liza – not sure what her connection to Crystal is but she's there when Crystal wakes up.. . My assumption is she's like a live in housekeeper..which works very well (if that's the case).
grammar: Works...no problems that I could find
style/voice: very good! Especially the dialogue “accents”!
Setting: New Orleans, Louisiana
overall: Pretty good. I was going to mention that the whole chapter was in italics but then it turned out to be a dream sequence so that works lol. The only thing is that, I know this is a dream sequence, but she doesn't really seem weirded out at all by the emerald fire. Most people would look around -stake out the place a bit - but she doesn't. That just seems strange. We also don't know anything about this house. Is it even a house? run down mansion? Brownstone? Lol. But you do a very good job of playing into Joseph's character. Considering that the dream isn't really a dream gives you a lot of room to work with. I'm getting a PotC feel to the story which is very good. Also we still don't know where June is, which works well since it surrounds her in mystery whenever she returns. But wouldn't she worry about June? Crystal is afraid of the Place de Negres and that's where she was with June when June disappeared...so it's a bit out of the norm for her to just go to sleep. Also, I think the introduction of Liza's pretty good (and her dialect is great!)

Suggestions:

The silence was so intense it was deafening.
[Great imagery here. Unfortunately the sentence doesn't really work...maybe reword it somehow?]

As she gazed at the entrancing flames she saw images flickering in the whirl of green.
[She gazed at the entrancing flames and saw images flickering in the whirl of green.]

“I can’t tell you, you wouldn’t understand.”
[be blunter and shorter in this dialogue and maybe have him slam the door in her face. Make this a bit more intense.]

...was solid black...
[change “solid black” to empty darkness”....might flow a bit nicer]

She stared, captivated once more, as she slowly rose to her feet and stepped towards it. The images danced in front of her, flashing from one to another much faster than before. Extending her hand, slowly she grasped the golden, emerald encrusted knob. It was warm to the touch, the door swung open. Inside was the same fire, only not contained in glass. The flames licked up the walls and covered the floor like grass, but it did not burn.
[This whole thing is Great!!! wanted to point that out.]

Then a beautiful slender woman
[I've been told you shouldn't really just say someone was a certain way (beautiful , etc) but rather show it through action somehow. BTW I should mention there's no real description of the woman or the kids so you could definitely imply her beauty by telling us what she looks like]

“And fears.”
[maybe cut this...sometimes less is more...and it seems to just keep throwing too much backstory/foreshadowing into Joseph too soon]

“Tell Liza ‘bout your dream, it’a make ya feel betta.”
[this along with your other dialogue -especially from Liza - is very well done!]
16
16
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title City of Sin
chapter reviewed 1
user name Summer Grace


Plot: Crystal is a prim and proper young aristocrat girl engaged to one Charles de Mandeville and is having doubts about the wedding. June, her rebellious and adventurous best friends, convinces Crystal to go with her to Place de Negres who decides to go out of spite for her fiancée. When the two arrive at Place de Negres, June abandons Crystal. Crystal eventually soon grows to detest the company there and tries to leave. But is harassed by drunken hooligans but is saved by a mysterious young stranger who has great eyes and takes her home.

Characters: Crystal: prim and proper aristocrat bequeathed to be married and having doubts about what that really means.
June: the rebellious and adventurous best friend who apparently loves to secretly indulge herself with
Charles de Mandeville: Crystal's fiancee...hasn't appeared yet but probably the charming, clean cut southern aristocrat type who'll wind up being the main antagonist.
Stranger: saves crystal. Can't be older than early twenties. Has had a rough life but has really great eyes, and carries two guns (young Indiana Jones, sort of image).

Grammar: Works...nothing wrong.

style/voice: Aside from using “yeah” a couple of times and the word “baby” the style works well for the south in the mid 1800s

Setting: Like I said above, Louisiana mid 1800s (I personally get a bit of Pirates of the Caribbean the first one from the setting/time period).

Overall: wow. This was very good. Definitely built up interest here. I love the conflicting personalities between Crystal and June! How'd they become best friends? Like to know more about that. As well as why her mom likes the match between Crystal and Charles so much. The drunken characters work very well. As does the young Indiana Jones protagonist (You still haven't given us his name which is a great hook)!

The only gripe I have with this is the lack of description about Crystal's house and the Place de Negres (is it like a town square, back alley sort of thing?)

Anway, this being the first chapter and all and you're getting reviews on like chapter 9 now. So I doubt you need a line-by-line edit here but I 've included one regardless. Hope it's (somewhat) helpful.

LINE BY LINE

She left her room and crept down the hall, grateful for the thick Oriental rug that muffled her footsteps.
Great sentence here!


She descended the grand staircase...
maybe try “main” instead of “grand”.


It was disturbing to her, for she was unaccustomed to Oak Alley looking so un-lively.
Maybe try: “She was unaccostomed to Oak Valley after dark.”

Nothing but a few cats prowling about, looking for their next prey.
“Only a few cats were prowling about...” flows a bit better I think.

After waiting a few minutes, she turned to head back
"She waited a few minutes and turned to head back" goes better I think

June was talking excitedly.
“She could hear June”...


“... back of town, and don’t worry...”
I think this goes better like this: “Back of town. And don't worry...”

She had not expected this.
This was all unexpected.


smelled strongly
Change this to “wreaked” Has a stronger conontation.

June teased her unceasingly, often saying that she would have tea with the dreadful pirate Jean Laffite himself, if only he asked politely.
Great sentence!

Crystal's utter annoyance of her friend's endless search for danger,
Use June here rather than “her friend's”.

seeing her whine.
Change this to “her whining” here

She pulled her skirts up around her ankles
More than 1 skirt?



*******




Crystal's unease increased as....
change increased to grew

there were groups of men beating at drums
beating on drums rather than beating at...


Crystal watched in horror
“Crystal was horrified”

Charles would be enraged if he knew she were here in the thick of these lowly, uncultured people.
I like this!

She couldn’t have gone far.
Try: “How far could she have gone” and put it into italics since its her thoughts, right?


She turned her head to avoid the sour smell of him. “Unhand me, sir. I need to find my friend, and then we will be leaving.”
Why is she explaining herself to this guy...I think you should ditch everything after “find my friend.” here since she owes him no explanation and would have no desire to even speak to him.

June said. “This is too much fun to go home early...”
home SO early

“June, have you taken leave of your senses? This is no place for ladies.”
Haha! really good sentence here fro some reason!

He crushed her to his chest so she wasn’t able to move...
“she couldn't move” rather than “she wasn't able to move” .


When the dance finally ended,
“When the MUSIC finally ended”...they were dancing cause there was music right?

Why she was crying she wasn’t sure...
“She wasn't sure why she was crying ...But her throat was closing up.” flows better here.


“You know, Crystal, if I had known you would be such a baby I wouldn’t have brought you,” June said, suddenly angry.
“Baby” is a bit too modern for the time period.

Giving up her search, she wandered...
She gave up her search and wandering into...

Carefree like that
replace “that” with “June”...be specific.


Crystal sat up, too shocked to be relieved as she stared at the man on the ground, blood quickly turning his shirt scarlet.
I think you should change this sentence around...it should be “ Crystal sat up and stared at the man on the ground, blood quickly turning his shirt scarlet too shocked to be relieved.”

reached out for something to balance herself, shrieking in surprise when she felt a hand clasp her own.
“reached out for something to balance herself. She shrieked...”

...it was a lower, more soothing hum than before.
Ditch “than before” since it's implied.

They staggered by her drunk; getting up onto their horses seemed to be quite the challenge for them. When one man fell off, they laughed hysterically, including the man on the ground.
You might want to rewrite this a bit: ...They staggered by her DRUNKILY; getting up onto their horses seemed to be quite CHALLENGING for them. When one man fell off, THE REST laughed hysterically, including the man on the ground.

“Now that was graceful, Jeremy.”
Ditch “now that was”. The man's probably too drunk to speak that well...



*******

“I was just wondering if you were all right,” he said, sounding defensive.
Ditch the word “just” here...it makes him sound somewhat unsure of himself.

Was he concerned for her or was this a decoy to get her defenses down? Though, what defenses did she have?
Italics here if these are her thoughts... I'm assuming they are.

“Tell me what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
Ditch the “Tell me what's wrong?” He should be a bit blunter her...they just met.

extended his hand and the firelight swept
change “and” with “as”...it works better in this instance.

...fast thinking and even faster action.
Great sentence but you may want to just ditch “even” here.

Timidly she grasped his hand...
Change this to : “She grasped his hand timidly...”


“Yeah.” He stopped
I stopped too haha ... hmm “Yeah” might be a bit too modern for the mid 1800s.


...grateful that he couldn’t see her face.
“that” is not necessary here...ditch it.

“...I wish you a good life.”
I actually stopped reading her for a moment...to me this really came off as “good riddance. Be gone.” The guy saved her so that can't be her reaction. Change this to “I hope you have a good night.” I understand what you're trying to do her and give him a lead question so that we get insight into the guy's life...but you have a whole novel where you can give us tidbits of it. No need to force it here (and this early).

“Yeah, well, that’s just what I need right now, a good life,” he said staring at the swaying trees blankly.
You need to cut this part out. Giving way too much insight into the guy right here. He has two guns in his holster and given his personality he's not going to open up this much on his first encounter with Crystal.
17
17
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Plot: owners of a vampire hotel in Alaska discover a dead human on the property only minutes before an event is to take place.

Setting: Alaska

Characters: Married couple, long married and still interested in each other (an accomplishment in itself *Wink* ) running their hotel.

A few notes: I'm not really used to using the edit points feature so I've done the review here. Whatever is in brackets are my suggestions (that's all they are) and everything else is really yours. Anything in caps is for emphasis and not to be taken literally ;). So on with the review!

line by line comments:

By the smell, it’s safe to say it’s dead. I reach out and to the right for the light switches on the wall. I know they’re there, after all, this is my Inn. Two lamps come on across the room, flanking the lush king size bed. One more lights up next to a comfy chair in the reading nook to my left.
[this paragraph struck me as odd. I'm used to seeing the past tense in books more than the present. So I originally thought this was a dream sequence. Not that it's bad, just it may take me a bit to get used to the tense.]

with doors on the right for a walk in closet and large bath.
[“doors on the right for a walk in closet” should be “a walk-in closet on the right]. I also think “said carpet” should read, “the carpet]

This whole scene makes me wish I’d just stayed in bed today curled up next to my nice warm husband.
["nice" isn't really needed here". The paragraphs after this are just about error free!]

Well, OK, technically, almost all dark.
[In my opinion, this should read, "Well, almost all dark."]

We do get about 4 hours of twilight from about noon to four p.m.
[Don't need the "p.m." here at all]

Taking a closer look at the room I realize all those episodes of CSI come in handy. I have not gone further in, realizing to stop. Don’t want to contaminate the scene! I juggle in my mind all the steps they do on the small silver screen upon discovery. 1) Scream and run from the body. Not going to happen. 2) Call Police. Nope. 3) Take lots of pictures of the body and the surrounding room. Also not a good idea, think what would happen if the pics got out. Hmmm.... 4) Study the room, take notes, catalog evidence. Seems like my only option left. Oh, and drag my Rock in this with me, misery does love company.
[the present tense really bothers me here.]

His face appears in my minds eye, letting me see what is in the room around him.
[“My mind's eye”, should be “in my mind”]

That man loves to jerk my chain and live on the edge.
[I really think “ ..., living on the edge.” sounds better here than “...and live on the edge.”]

We’ve had bodies before, but usually it is from an accidental over feeding.
[“Usually it is from” should read, “usually, IT'S from”]

Yeah, right.
[Instead of “Yeah, right.”, “Okay, that's be naïve.” or something along those lines would convey the sarcasm better, in my opinion.]

That is one of the hardest challenges when the clients arrive.
[“hardest” to “biggest” or “most concerning” and take the “the” out of “when the clients arrive.”]

I take long look down at the corpse in my passing.
["I take a long look"]

Those shoes
[to “the shoes"]

Ability to endure the cold aside, even I wear a coat when I step outdoors. Does nasty stuff to the skin when you’re uncovered for too long.
[Use a dash to tie these last two sentences to make one.]

Obviously, I’m speculating, we’ll have to examine him closer later...
[This should read, “ I’m obviously speculating. We’ll have to examine him...”]

I’m slightly out of my element here.
[I think this sentence should start with “I confess, ...”]

I don’t function with out lists and schedules, too much to juggle in this big hotel. I have a few obsessive compulsive quirks, sue me, I was human once. Self analyzation should never be underrated. To know your own strengths and weaknesses puts you a step ahead of an enemy that is trying to study and kill you. I’ve survived this long for a reason - I always have a plan and a back up one too.
[I love the bits and pieces of her personal information coming....it certainly drives up curiosity].

Okay, that’s not fair, he knows were his things are.
[“where”...not “were” - spell check won't pick this up (I know! *Wink* )]


[There's a great banter scene between the two here!]

That’s why I keep him.
[This would flow better if the sentence read...”I keep him around.” But the rest of the paragraph can be ditched.]

We can’t call the local police for help for obvious reasons.
[“Obviously, we can't call the local police.” has a better flow here, in my opinion...let the reader connect the dots so to speak.]

We have a dead guy cooling fast in one of the rooms with no one who apparently even notices he’s gone.
[Also take out the “apparently even”...don't really need the emphasizing here as the reader should be able to connect the dots again *Wink* ]


I can switch their group down a room, but we’ve got to move pronto.
[“Pronto” just doesn't do it for me here.]

The pressure is starting to build in my chest.
[“Pressure” lends more force in this instance than “The pressure”...just my little thing here]

God, he knows me so well it’s scary.
[This sentence is unnecessary]

The smell of the blood has aroused all my senses and I remind myself not to breathe.
[“aroused all my...” would work better as “aroused my...” Just more direct this way.]


He looks back over his shoulder with a small smile on his face. Damn it, he saw. “You’re a bad girl, you know that?” Yes, I do.
[this would make a pretty good movie scene, but the last sentence isn't really needed.]

Is it hot in here? I think it might be.
[These last two sentences should read, “I think it's a bit hot here.”]


[Pretty good story. My only issue with this is the tense, and the whole gothic aspect (not really a fan of). But you do manage to answer a few important questions and create more questions which is what you want to do with an opening. This would make a great longer piece! I'd be interested *Wink*]
18
18
Review of Ballade of Sorrow  
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: E | (4.5)
great read! I was originally going to mention that ballade should be ballad but read the second note. So no criticism there.

My only real gripe (or atleast suggestion) is with the lines:
But senseless fate did not the pattern heed;
Its random scribbles blotted once great art.

I would remove the words, "But" and "Its". I just feel doing so will make the poem more powerful/epic in a way. To me, taking those words out adds a sort of bluntness (or thud). I can't really explain it any better than that and that's not even a good explanation at all in its self.

Aside from that - really terrific!!!
19
19
Review of My Master's Agony  
Review by Wrath.of.Khan
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed this. Good job of keeping me wandering of what the POV was until the end - a dog giving birth.

My only real gripe with this is the following line:
Since my favorite doctor had told on me this

"had told on me this" just doesn't really work. Maybe its the word "on".

Also I'd avoid words like "hand" and "nurturing breasts". I'd substitute those with more mysterious words, just to keep the mystery (and the curiosity of the reader going). The mystery is the strongest point on this poem (and for animal lovers like myself, the subject matter). So you should really nurture the mystery aspect of the poem.
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