I don't know if you meant to do this but there are a lot of â scattered throughout your work. Also, The title and what I'm assuming is your last name is repeated every time you started a new page. I don't know if this was done on purpose but it's rather distracting. Another thing is the sentences seem a bit stilted, of course that could be because it's supposed to be a children's book but I feel that it affects the flow. It seemed to get better near the end. That's all from me, good job and keep writing. :)
One must always start a new paragraph when someone speaks. I believe that will help as I find this story a bit dense. It's hard to read because the chunks are so big.
Wow, that was truly awe-inspiring. The dialogue seemed to flow naturally. I love the characters. I especially liked how you portrayed Alyssa's feelings. Good spelling and grammar. I think this story stood out for me more then others would have because a similar experience happened to me. Except my Dad lived and I am forever grateful for it. Overall I think you have a awesome story.
I love this because it's so true. Sometimes I feel like thats what I do everyday. One way to improve this is to put capitals where capitals are needed. For example on wake would be a good place
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jaded-stars
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:51am on Jun 30, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
