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Review of Evil's Fingers  
Review by J. R.
In affiliation with A Different World  
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BurstR* Why I Chose to Read This/First Impressions

Evil's Fingers sounded like an interesting story name, and the description drew me in. It seemed like something fantastic might happen, and I love such stories.

*Quill* Overall Plot/Story

Overall, it seemed like an interesting story. I did have some difficulty about 2/3rds of the way through. To be brutally honest, I got a bit bored as the mom was trying to figure out what was going on. So some description of what was going on, and slowly revealing some sort of change in the boy would have been more effective for me than all of the contrived sounding dialogue. I did find myself wondering about different parts of the story, like if the man in the woods could be trusted, or what the ultimate goal of the tree was. So those were very interesting bits of the story.

I found the ending a bit confusing. This tree kidnapped all of the village children, but never mind, it is good and we will call it Heaven's Tree from now on?


*Person* My Rating and Why *Star**Star**HalfStar*

The basic story idea is interesting, but I think it needs some more tweaking. The main character of the boy is fun, but again, could use some more tweaking. You do seem to be struggling a bit with finding your voice, and I am certain the story will improve after you find it more. Parts of the story and the dialogue seem contrived. So it is a story that seems to have some problems that need ironed out, but also has a lot of promise and potential.


*Equalizer* Style/Voice

Overall, this is your biggest challenge, I think. You have good characters, what could be an interesting story, and a nice setting. However, I really struggled with your voice. There are specifics below, but the phrasing you chose often seemed forced, the development of the characters' personalities seemed largely missing, you often told the reader what was happening rather than describing what was happening, and the characters often used wording or dialogue that was completely out of character. There are places where the narration seems a little forced. Like "He tried to sidestep his need for food" "His interest was piqued." The language just does not seem very natural for village folk. Also, much of the story seemed to be told from the boy's perspective, then it switched to the mother. All of that was fine, but then there were moments where you described something that the POV character could not see or know. So you should either switch to an omniscient POV completely (not my preference), or edit out those places where the POV shifts.

*People* Character Development

There really did not seem to be much in the way of character development. The characters did not finish any different than they started, and not much of their personality was revealed throughout the story. If you shifted to more showing than telling, that might help here.


*Beach* Descriptions/Imagery/Scene

You were off to a good start. I would be interested in hearing a little more about where the farms end and the forest begins, and where all of that is in relation to the village. So that would be good. Overall I had a decent sense for where the story was.


*Magnify* Some Specific Comments

I love the descriptors here, but it did seem a little awkward to me when I first read it. Perhaps because when I hear “that,” I am expecting to already know what it refers to. Also here, you have “we regret to say,” which would then indicate to me that a group is telling this story, and that I will soon find out who “they” are. If not, then I would strike this.

“Consider the greenish mist” Here you are talking directly to the reader, which would indicate that someone is telling this story. So if that is not a part of the voice, you were going for, then I would remove that reference.

“Such a strange occurrence as it is could perhaps be blamed on” The sentence stands alone without these words, so they just make it more cumbersome to read.

So I take it that this is set in a small village in the early industrial age. You mention pollution, which was very prominent in the industrial age, and the fact that this village has not been swept up in the industrial age yet, so seems to hit that it must be early in the industrial age.

“Then, too, there is the unusual amount of disappearances that have been taking place in Blackberry Forest in relation to this tree.” Maybe in proximity to the tree is more what you meant.

“aberration they'd be lost in limbo forever” Comma after aberration.

“But there is a group of people that don't take heed to the warnings and cries of the elder folk: the children. The children of Blackberry Village and the other surrounding communities occasionally find themselves romping through Blackberry Forest. And it just so happens that little Timmy Hutchinson is one of those children.“ This sounds a bit like a fairy tale type of voice now. If that was what you were going for, then great! If not, you may want to consider revising. This may be a great point to cut away from the narration and to show rather than tell.

“It was around midday during an early October period.” Again, I would go for a bit more description. The sun hung high in the sky, any last traces of frost long since gone, but the leaves still glinting with the water that had not yet burned off. A Timmy passed, he waved to the farmers tirelessly loading the last of their harvest onto the tractors as winter crept across the farms, brining dormancy to the farming families. I would probably reword that, but you get the idea of how that is more descriptive than “It was midday in early October.”

“Timmy's recreation for the day” When writing about children, I generally think it Is an excellent idea of the narration is in accordance with the child’s way of thinking. I doubt a young child would think “I wonder what my reaction for the day will be?” They really do not think about anything. So the rabbit popping up, and Timmy chasing after the rabbit, would be more in keeping with the developmental capacities of a young boy.

I do love that Timmy is playful, and chases after rabbits, just as I would expect an errant boy to do when he is unleashed onto the world.

“The little boy chased after the little rabbit for about five minutes time” Did he time himself? Again, this seems a little uncharacteristic of a child. It could be “several minutes,” or perhaps you describe a chase scene until Timmy gets bored with the rabbit and his attention wanders to something else. This would be a great time to show, rather than tell.

“Finally, and quite unexpectedly, little Timmy found himself tumbling feet first into a pit of some kind.” You seem to have a tendency toward more complex sentences. We all, have our thing, mine is complex sentences that use too many commas. You do not need to say finally, as this is not a list, so you could delete that. If you describe Timmy falling into a pit, you do not need to explain that it was unexpected. If he is running along, and then suddenly falls in a pit, the reader will assume it was unexpected.

Also, this may be a good point to consider an active voice, rather than a passive voice. Maybe you could describe the chase in a bit more detail, and just as Timmy thinks he is about to reach the rabbit, his foot does not encounter the resistance of the ground, but air instead, and then help yelps as he pitches forward into a pit.

“Looking down at his leg the boy perceived that he'd sprained his ankle.” A couple of things. The last sentence he is falling down into the pit. Then this next sentence seems to have him sitting at the bottom of the pit “perceiving” his ankle. So a transition would have been good. Also, young children do not perceive, they know things. So maybe change the wording, and again, you may want to considering describing, rather than telling. Timmy cried out in pain and clutched his ankle” is more actively descriptive than “Timmy perceived that he sprained his ankle.”

“despearately” desperately. It can be a good idea, if you have Word or a similar program, to type your story there so that you can use things like Spell-Check. Open Office is a free program, if you do not have Word.

“He wondered what must be going on in the heads of his parents.” Okay, one last comment on the portraying of age through the narration. I am assuming Timmy is a young boy, because he was chasing after a rabbit and did not bother to look where we was going. As a young boy then, he would not think this way. So to me, the narration would be good if it matched that. "Timmy knew that his parents must be worried by now.”

“But then something happened” I really do not like “then suddenly something happened.” Those moments in life are really infrequent, and so they seem contrived when used frequently in narration. You go on to discuss how he sees to figures over the pit. Perhaps he thought he heard them walking up, then dismissed it as his imagination. No, this time he is certain, someone is approaching. Then two figures loom over the pit as he does his best to remain still and hidden. See how this is more exciting and realistic than “Suddenly two people were standing above the pit” ? These are all stylistic thing though, so of course there are many ways to look at it.

Okay, so one last comment on the realism of children. Children tend to react much more than they think.

“immeadiately” immediately. Another typo.

“The man made his way to his cabin and immediately went to a shed where he kept some rope.” Immediately seems to be excess language here. Also, if the story is told from the perspective of the boy, then he would not know where the large man went while he was gone. So that means the POV switched from the boy, to the man.

“and the man lifted him out of his despair.” Despair seems a bit melodramatic. Maybe predicament.

I do care about Timmy, and what is happening to him, so good job on setting up an identifiable character.

“"I see you hurt your ankle. Why don't you come back to my place and I'll bind up your wounds?"” Wounds are usually cuts, so open wounds. SO this does not seem to fit Timmy spraining his ankle. Now it sounds like he has deep lacerations that need bound in bandages.

I found myself wondering if this gentleman had honest or dishonest intentions, so I think you did that really well here.

“Little Timmy Hutchinson said thank you.” Timmy thanked the man for the cider or Timmy said, “Thank you.” I am not sure I would continuiously refer to him as “Little Timmy,” unless that is what people call him. In which case, then I would explain that.

“It didn't take long for Timmy to finish his meal and when he did he thought a midday nap would be best.” Okay, one last comment on the voice of a child. No mischievous little boys think a nap would be a good idea. Sleep overcomes them, and they fight it, but eventually give in. So he might be overcome ny the exhaustion brought on by the lack of sleep, and then he looks around for a place to crash. As such, once he does decide to nap, he is not going to make a careful inspection of the cabin first. So I would suggest maybe he explores, tries to fight off sleep, but eventually gives in and finds a place to rest.

“little Timmy Hutchinson” In real life, would people continuously refer to someone as “little Timmy Hutchinson?”

“Mrs. Hutchinson asked the nanny, Granny Weatherall, when was the last time she'd seen little Timmy Hutchinson and she said that she had seen him early yesterday morning." Again, if the POV is Timmy, then he would not know this.

“As time went on, however, Granny Weatherall (specifically) began to notice odd happenings with little Timmy Hutchinson. She approached Marie Hutchinson one pleasant afternoon and spoke her concern.” Again, maybe you could show this instead, so it is not a sudden realization for the reader.

“Ever since that fateful day he's been associating with the other children of Blackberry Village more and more.” It is a little hard for me to buy that someone would really think of it as a problem that their son or grandson was getting along well with the other children. So maybe you could shift this a bit. Maybe he is more forceful or manipulative with the other children, or something like that. But when was the last time someone said to a child, “Boy kiddo, you just have TOO many friends, and that is a BIG problem. You get along so well with the other kids, and that seems majorly wrong!” Also, what would explain his newfound social skills? If he was not able to make so many friends before, why is he suddenly able to do so now? It is like someone not knowing how to farm, and then suddenly runs a huge farm with effortless ease.

“He questioned Granny Weatherall about what they had to eat for the day and she said chicken. He went into the kitchen and ate his meal.” No offense, but a little boring. If you are trying to convey a passage of time, then showing, rather than telling might be good. And then as you show, you could revela bits of their personality.

“Oh yes, it's very enthralling. I'm at a very critical juncture at the moment.” The dialogue seems contrived. Who talks like that in the comforts of their own bedroom? Particularly, whom from a small rural farming village?

“Theodore turned towards her with his eyes bulging out of their sockets.” Perhaps a bit overdone. This seems like a situation for mild surprise, not eye balls bulging out of sockets. If the drama is piled on frequently, then the reader becomes desensitized to it. So then when you want the big emotional finale, it falls flat because the reader has had overreactions throughout the story.

Rural farming housewives usually don’t “forsook” anything.

"He had struck the thing, but no hurt was done." This sounds exactly like a rural farmer. Liked this!


*ThumbsUp* The Best Part of This Story

A small village, a curious young boy, and an evil tree. What more needs to be said? It is the foundation for a great story. You definitely have a strong imagination and you are very inventive and creative.


*Thought* Concluding Thoughts

I would love to see you work on your voice, and then I would love to read the story again! You are creative, and I love that! Thank you for sharing your words.


-j.r.


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 A Different World  [E]
A group for writers of speculative fiction.
by J. R.

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2
2
Review by J. R.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*BurstR* Why I Chose to Read This/First Impressions

The title interested me, a story about a ghost child just sounded interesting. I also noticed the disappearance occurred in 1971, and that was the year I was born, so it grabbed my attention.


*Quill* Overall Plot/Story

I think you have a lot of great elements to work with here. We did not get too far into the story, but from what is there so far, I can see a lot of great potential and an interesting story developing.


*Person* My Rating and Why *Star**Star**HalfStar*

I love the story idea, and I think you have great conceptualization of the characters in many ways, however it also still needs a lot of work. There are a lot of basic grammar errors, spelling errors, and inconsistent tense. Some ideas need more developed in order to not seem like deus ex machina, or "suddenly this happened." Still, I love the basic story idea so far, and the characters are certainly compelling.


*Equalizer* Style/Voice

In the first few paragraphs, you have "started, "worked," "moved, "sat," all past tense. Then you switch over to present tense in your writing, "he spends," "he wants to." So it would be good for your voice, if you would decide if you want to write in the present tense or the past tense. You have a mix of tenses throughout the story.

While attempting to clean up his desk area, he noticed that those two words “Ghost Child” would always come back no matter how hard he scrubbed. He knew it was time to look into the mystery of the Ghost Child. This seemed like a really quick jump in to me. There was background information, then BAM! right into the ghost child. Were it me, I think I would find some other way to transition into the main part of the story that was a little more subtle and developed. The story is entitled ghost child, then the description brings the reader there, then the words ghost child appear on the desk, and the desk used to be his dad's. It seems like a billy club hit to the noggin with some contrived information, so if it were me I would just look to make things more subtle, and give them a little time to develop. I tend to avoid the "sudden realization" kind of things, because they often times come across as being contrived to me.

In example, let's say he is on light duty because he hurt his foot. He is completely bored. He knows this is his dad's desk, so in honor of his dad's memory and in light of the fact that his is bored to death on light duty, he decides to clean the desk thoroughly. (So we also start to get glimpses into his personality.) He finds a file folder jammed in the back behind the drawers in the desk (this is something I can relate to, because when I get a desk at work that has belonged to someone else at work, when I pull out the drawers I have found any number of items.) As he looks at the case, he sees his dad's notes on the case and realizes that this is an unsolved case involving a child. Something like that. All fiction stories are contrived, but I think an important part of style is to try and have them not come across as contrived.

He noticed that some of the papers had fell onto the floor from the top of his Dad’s high book shelve. Mica picked up the paper. It was a ruled piece of a legal pad badly worn and dusty. Dusting off the paper, he read the remarks at the top of the page “ghost child”. Wow! His Dad never mentioned this. What was going on? Some of the remarks like this seem to be more deus ex machina than what I like to see. For example, he has the day to himself. Maybe he could decide to clean the study that day. Maybe it could even be very emotional, because he has never touched this room since his father's death. As he cleans, he wonders if his dad would have been proud of his career, and whether or not he himself should be proud of his own career. Imagine where someone would be after a lifetime of work, their very identity wrapped up in the work they did, and now it is going to all be over. Then as he is cleaning he comes across the files. To me, that would be more developed and plausible than he walks into the room and right away sees a folder he never happened to see before sitting in plain view, that just happens to be connected to the graffiti on his desk that seems to bother him immensely for no understandable reason.

You have a lot of this type of thing. Mica walks into his brother's place of work, and suddenly they decide to be business partners becuase the current owner is suddenly unhappy at work and wants to sell. There were a lot of things that suddenly happened, and that really detracted from the story, for me.

Elements of your voice that really worked though: I would say stick to past tense. This is the "go to" standard for many writers, and you are much better at it than present tense. I liked Mica right away, so you do have a way of presenting the character in a way that I can identify with him, and you have obviously put a lot of thought into this character. You have this ease with many of the characters, so I would certainly focus on the characters a loot, because that is a strength for you, I can only imagine you will will just get better at it over time.


*People* Character Development

You start out with a nice description of Mica. It is easy to that see he is a long-time dedicated officer. I like what you have so far. I am thinking maybe an idea is that as Mica is looking to retire, he is considering his career and his accomplishments and failures, and wondering if he really did make a difference. Are the streets any safer because of his work? And if he could solve this one last case, maybe both he and his deceased father could have some rest...? So far there is not much other development of the other characters, but the story has just started.

Since characterization is a strong suit for you, try to maybe put yourself in the mindset of your characters. You want to come across seamlessly as the narrator of a man about to retire, not as an author who is trying to imagine what it would be like to retire. After 28 years on the force, especially for a thoughtful character like Mica, retiring would be a nostalgic, emotional sort of thing. Particularly with his father having been police chief and now passed away. He would not suddenly decide to retire without having realized it. He would not without a plan for after he retires and then suddenly stumble into a partnership with his brother. Once you get the age stuff figured out, try to figure out, where would he be in his thinking at that age and stage in his life, and how can you show that to the reader? Maybe try talking to some people that are retiring or have retired and find out what that meant to them. Erik Erikson has some theories on development across different ages, and some of them relate to retirement age, so that may be something to look up. Read some online articles on retirement and try to put yourself in the mindset of a character that is there.

Like I said, characterization is definitely a strong suit of yours. Other than some of the problems noted, your characters are likable, and believable. So, I hope you get the chance to develop that further.


*Beach* Descriptions/Imagery/Scene

You have what I would describe as a minimalist approach. You do not go into great length in describing scenes. Overall, I really like that approach and use it often myself. I prefer to give the reader enough so that they can picture the scene, but no so much that I discount the power of the reader's own imagination. The trick for me is trying to find the balance between being a minimalist and just not having enough description. I struggle with that sometimes.


*Magnify* Some Specific Comments

His Dad pasted away I am guessing you meant "passed" here.

You have some great descriptions of Mica in here, and you really strongly establish him as both an officer and as a person.

Joe, Barbara, and Allen decided to allow Mica to keep the house instead of selling and the return split between them. The end of this sentence seemed a bit awkward to me.

Sitting at his desk, Mica tried to decide what should be his next move. Again, a bit awkward for me.

You have these glimpses where you show where Mica is at. I like the subtleties of showing rather than telling.

Barbara worked for the police department as the physiologist. I am guessing you meant "psychologist." The particular type of psychologist would be a forensic psychologist.

winking at Mica he heading toward Barb’s office. Winking should be capitalized since it is the start of a new sentence.

I like the dialogue between Barb, Joe, and Mica. They seem to have some playfulness, and this showed some of their personalities.

“I may come up here this weekend to go through my desk and files. I want to get it together for the next person.” Mica commented” Hopefully they will not have the problems I had. I just hate that the desk will look no better. But it is what it is; I will see you guys later, go on and meet Barb.” Mica kept his eye on the two words on his desk that refused to leave. It dawned on Mica with all the cleaning and organizing that somewhere in all activity he had decided to retire without realizing it. Again, this seems a bit contrived to me. When someone is looking to retire, they really care that much that there is some graffiti they cannot seem to clean off of the desk? I know when I retire, it will be a big deal, and some graffiti on the desk that I could not clean would probably not be that big of a deal to me. Also, he suddenly decided to retire without realizing it? It involves completing paperwork, and a lot of planning. Where is money going to come from? Did he file for pension and social security? How will the bills get paid? Where will get his health insurance from? Did he do a good job over the last 28 years? What will he do now that he has passed through major phase in his life? I have a hard time believing someone would jump into retirement without realizing it, unless there was some reason for it, like a career ending injury.

On a positive note, I do see through that he conscientious and a hard worker. That shines through and I would not lose that.

One of them was a special friend of his. It is good to use language that your character might use, I think. Would a cop really refer to his friend as "special?" Also, this friend does not actually seem all that special, because in the first 10 chapters that you have here so far, the friend does not appear at all. So as you tell us he is special, but you do not really show us that.

His grandfather was the tribes most honored medicine man. tribe's Should be the possessive form.

Mica, glanced around before walking out thought maybe tonight I will call Lobo to see if he will help me over the weekend. I sure need to get the files and my desk in tidy in the event someone replaces me. Sentence structure problem there. I will leave it at as far as the mechanics go, for the rest of the story. There are other grammar errors, so you may want to take a look yourself.

Just a quick notes on the dates. You say that the news story is from 1971, which you mention as being before the character Mica was born. However, he is retiring after 28 years on the police force. If he WAS born in 1971, he would be 40. 40-28=12. In fact, you say 1971 was "way" before he was born. So maybe he was 3-years-old when he joined the police force? And he is retiring in his twenties or thities? I myself was born in 1971, and I am many, many decades, not just years, but decades away from retirement, so having someone younger than me retiring on whim, as well as having been at their job 28 years, it just does not add up or make sense to me. People retire in their sixties, so that seems like a huge leap. I could buy him retiring younger if he had a career ending injury or some plan to move on to some other line of work for a while, but then he would not suddenly realize he was retiring, it would have been well understood. So you may want to take a look at that. He more likely would have been born in the 1950's if he is retiring.

Grabbing a book on the nightstand, turning on the lamp he snuggled in to read a little and then go to sleep. It felt like I lost a whole day here. Just a few paragraphs ago, he was making coffee and wandered into the study to clean. He cleaned very little, read a few papers, and WHAM! it is bedtime. He did not eat, get dressed, or anything. There was nothing to mark the passage of an entire day.

"Mica seemed to be thinking deeply about something," TO whom? so far the story was told from Mica's perspective, so who is it now that would be looking at Mica and making that supposition?

Roland Warren, now chief of detective division was walking toward him. “Mica, I heard you were organizing the files. I found these on the floor in the closet. They appear to be your fathers. They were in a box marked with the date 1971. Deus ex machina.

I thought we ought to start what is called a cold case investigation. Why would the police chief need to explain to someone who has been on the force 28 years what a "cold case" is?

One thing I note here as well is that his older brother is in the FBI. Makes me also question the age thing, because why is Mica retiring when his older{//i} brother is still working with no plans for retirement? It is these little pieces that can call a reader to question the accuracy of the story, and they may be unable to accept the story in its entirety if too many things just do not add up.


*ThumbsUp* The Best Part of This Story

Great story idea. You have likable characters and have obviously put some thought into who they are as people.


*Thought* Concluding Thoughts

Just in terms of getting in some practice writing, maybe you could think of making this a longer short story, rather than a chaptered book. That way you could fully develop the story, have a chance to correct mechanical errors, and revise, revise, revise, revise your way to a more honed piece. It is an intersting story with some likable characters, so I do hope you get that chance to take the story forward. Keep writing!



-j.r.
3
3
Review of A fresh start  
Review by J. R.
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BurstR* Why I Chose to Read This/First Impressions
I found the description interesting. Waking up in a new place, a fresh start, a new beginning. I am not sure where the piece is going, but it seems a lot like it might be speculative fiction, with the emphasis on a window and how it has the power somehow to bring an unusual calm.

*Quill* Overall Plot/Story
The story has just started, but I like the background, I like the characters, and I assume that the unique properties of this old house are going to play a central part on the story ahead.

*Person* My Rating and Why *Star**Star**Star**HalfStar* Mainly because it seems to be a story that just started, and was barely off to a start. The characters were excellent though, so I really liked the piece. After continuing the story, and fixing some of the more glaring errors, it would easily be a higher rating.

*Equalizer* Style/Voice
I really like how you are able to slowly reveal the characters. You are really good at providing description intermingled with some story, so that you do not have sentence after sentence of what, to me, then becomes boring descriptions. As you describe this girl getting up and starting her day, you give insight into the characters and a description of where they are. Great job there.

A couple of minor things with voice. You refer to her as a young girl in the description and in the story, but if the story is from her POV, most teenagers do not think of themselves as a "young girl." If you meant for her to be a little girl, then I would probably go back and change much of the descriptors of her that make her seem older, if it were me. Much of the story you write in the present tense, but toward the end of the story it switches to past tense. Overall you have a nice even flow to your story that I find inviting.

*People* Character Development
Clara comes across to me as a teenager. She is concerned about her appearance, a little persnickety, is able to walk to the store by herself and buy breakfast with few instructions from mother, and notices details that a child would miss. So if it were me, I would remove the references to a "young girl," because a young child usually means a little kid, unless it is coming from the perspective of someone who is elderly. You have portrayed her very well as a teenager though, and even though she seems like she can be a little difficult for her mother at times, she seems like basically a good kid.

Mom, if she is 34, and Clara is a teenager, was a teen mom. She comes across as someone who had a child way too young, and has learned that she has to do what needs to be done. She moves when she has to, and she wears sweat pants and ties her hair back when there is work to be done. I love how you have portrayed her so far, she is a great character that relates a lot of strength of character even though she only briefly appears in the narrative so far.

*Beach* Descriptions/Imagery/Scene
You have the minimalist narration style, which I love. I am not one for paragraph after paragraph of descriptive passages relating the scenery ad nauseam. You provide a nice overview of where the scene takes place, but you leave some up to the reader's imagination as well.

*Magnify* Some Specific Comments
Clara can only briefly remember her previous life in California, since then it’s been Michigan, Maine, and their previous home in Tampa, now there in a new country, Canada. It’s the early fall and Clara is not used to the Canadian weather, its cold for this time of year. Michigan and Maine are bitter cold, so it seems like she maybe had forgotten what the weather was like, had not yet adjusted to it, or they had spent so long in Tampa that she had adjusted. The latter could say something about her as a person, that she adapted to where she was so wholly that she had a difficult time when it was time to move on again. I don't know, maybe something to play with.

I love how quickly Clara adapts to her new surrounding. She is able to wake up and reorient herself, and knows right where to look for food and the corner store. She has the well practiced ease of someone who is used to moving.

She liked her last home in Tampa it reminded her of a time when her family was still together A bit of a run-on sentence there. Good, I was starting to think you weren't human there for a moment. *Wink*

The school year has already started, this means she will be joining a little more than a month later than the rest of the kids. Maybe replace the this with which.

Again here, though, you have her already thinking ahead and planning how she is going to adapt and fit in to this new place.

She can tell right away from her surroundings that the new house she is in is rather older than she is used to, starting from the high wooden baseboards and the rustic wallpaper. Were it I, I think I might pick a different word than starting here. Or add an ending point, like, She can tell right away from her surroundings that the new house she is in is rather older than she is used to, starting from the high wooden baseboards and the rustic wallpaper, and ending with the light fixtures that looked like extra dusty version of something from that TV show where people tried to guess what their antiques are worth.

Her mother told her before that wallpaper was a sure tell sign that the house was an old one. Maybe sure tell is a part of your local dialect, but I have never heard the phrase before. I have heard tell-tale or just a sure sign.

all the colours clashed even some of wallpaper was peeling of the walls Another run-on sentence ran away from you here.

Her first attempt to open the door was unsuccessful; she had to give it a shove to jar it open into the hall. You re giving the house some character and fleshing out the surroundings a bit. Nice.

Just a personal preference, but you have a lot of semi-colons in the next several sentences after that. I see semi-colons as being pretty rare or uncommon, so were it me, I would try to restructure the sentences in order to eliminate as many as possible.

Clara didn’t even realise that she was outside in nothing but her old pink t-shirt and undies. This gives her an air of innocence, which is one of the things I like about her. She has a bit of innocence that is a little younger than her age (assuming she is a teenager), and that makes her kind of sweet.

As an independent mother she didn’t allow anyone to eat off her plate. Again, maybe a local saying, but I had to think about what that means, so it slowed me down.

With no man around she had to learn how to play both roles in little Clara’s life. I really like your ability to slowly roll out the particulars and describe the characters and their circumstance. Yet I am never bored, waiting for the next detail, so you do it in a a really creative and skillful manner. It is just woven into the story really nicely.

Vanessa considered herself a tomboy from a very early age, when she was a kid: all the other girls where playing with dolls, she was outside climbing trees with the boys. I love the description. Again, you may want to work on the punctuation here.

She found a pair of purple track paints and a black hoody, not the best look but it was sure warm. This is where you really shine. I love how you have really pointed out how mom is more of a practical, down-to-earth, hardworking person that is more concerned with utility than fashion. Yet her daughter, who I am imagining as a teenager, is not really in that place. She is focused on how she looks. You did this so well though, not by telling, but by showing in some regard. You are really good at this aspect of writing it looks like.

Maybe there would be some food in the fridge thought the young girl. She probably does not think of herself as a young girl. The rest of the voice seems to be coming from the girl herself, while this seems like a more omniscient perspective. I say this because she herself would not think of herself as a young girl, so this has to be from someone else's perspective, other than her own. Since the rest of the passage is all from her perspective, this then gets into an omniscient voice.

It was hard to read the dialogues, since it was all bunched together, but that may have just happened when you pasted it in to writing.com, I know that can happen.

Get real mom, I can’t by anything with that monopoly money buy Funny though, she does not know much about the world, including how the money in Canada is different from our own. A nice bit of humor. I think it is great to include humor when you can. This also gives us a bit of that innocence in the character once again, I like that. She is a complex character that has learned to be mature, and adapt to her environment, but her innocence also frequently shows through in a sweet and endearing way.

On her way down to the road she stopped realising that she hadn’t taken the time to look at the house she was now living in. A comm after stopped would probably help.

This window had something majestic about it; she calmed instantly looking into its panes. At that moment she discovered stillness within herself, she thought maybe this won’t be such a bad place to live after all. Just a stylistic hin, but I try to avoid the suddenly types of phrasing. It seems a little too deus ex machina for me. For example, This window caught her attention, it had an air of majesty about it. After several moments, she was surprised to find herself so caught up in its features that she now was completely calm. In the still calm that followed, she thought that this might not be a bad placed to live after all.

I found myself really drawn in though, I want to know more about this window and this house!

*ThumbsUp* The Best Part of This Story
The story was interesting, but the characters are really what captivated me. I want to get to know them better, so I want to read more and follow them further.

*Thought* Concluding Thoughts
You have a nice easy writing style that has good flow and you are able to portray very likable characters. Your writing has this natural feel, like many of the things you do well just come so naturally to you.



-j.r.

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4
4
Review of The Opal Isle  
Review by J. R.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall Plot/Story
I love the idea, and the creatures and the story that you have set up. It is engaging and interesting, and I could certainly appreciate reading an entire book based on this world and this story. I hope you get the chance to write it.


Character Development
I love Bryce and Garrod as characters. It seems like there is more room for development in that Garrod was placed on guard duty in a remote, and useless position. It seems like they could have found some other place to put him if he was so highly regarded, even in a ceremonial sort of position someplace. It seems like he would recognize this as an out-of-the-way place to stuff him until he dies off or retires. (This would also help with the fact that a highly skilled warrior is in a place no one is ever expected to attack, really setting up a pretty obvious telegraphed attack.) Maybe there is some more that can be had, in terms of the setup that sent Garrod to this isolated tower.

The other characters are great as well. Through your descriptions, I come to see the personalities, and they have distinct and interesting personalities. I love that you did not treat any single one character as not important enough to think about and provide some depth of personality to.


Descriptions/Imagery
I am not always a huge fan of the lengthy narrative view that some authors use. Some authors, like Robert Jordan, go way too far in providing a lengthy, descriptive narrative. I love Robert Jordan, rest his soul, he is so amazingly creative and really a very skilled writer. But I had a hard time going through book after book, slogging through the painfully detailed and lengthy narrative descriptors of every minute detail. All that is to say, I really think you have done a great job here. You provided a nice description, but it was not a burden to read. From the beginning I get a great sense of what this island looks like, but you have left enough up to the imagination that my mind as the reader is able to fill in the details, sparked from the solid visual you as the author have provided. I think that can be a tricky balance to walk, trying to give enough detail to relate the world you have created, but not so much that it becomes tedious and actually detracts from the reader's own imagination. You are really good here though.

I loved the description of Bryce practicing his sword play. Combined with the previous description of the area, I was totally there with you in my mind. Really, you are very descriptive throughout the story. You provide great imagery of the scenes, and you provide a nice view of each of the characters.


Some Specific Comments
With a great crash the waves would break upon the shore For some reason, this just seemed a little awkward to me as I read it. I liked the visual opening for the story though, and the rest of the sentence was very visual.

With a hiss they would retreat back into the ocean I find it is usually to avoid vague pronouns like "they," when I can avoid it. It just seems to set up the potential for confusion, since it is a vague pronoun that could refer to anything. So this sentence could be: With a hiss, each wave retreated back into the ocean...

Perhaps just a stylistic thing, but I tend to think of semi-colons as pretty rarely used, so there should not be many of them in a given work. So I would look for ways to restructure those sentences, and do that wherever it is possible.

It was a small island; around a mile long and half that in width. I think I would rework this to somehow transition from the beach to the island, and eliminate the "it." It is another one of those vague phrases that could refer to many things, thus it is best used sparingly, in my taste preference. Also, the re was only a beach mentioned before, and this first sentence seems to make an assumption that the beach is attached to this island that is next being mentioned. Something like: The Opal Isle adorned a small island, scarcely a mile length, and not even half that in width.

I like the description of the island and the beach. It has a rugged beauty. and you convey that pretty well. I already feel some emotion about this place, which is exactly what I expect a storyteller to be able to convey. Nice job there!

Regardless, the tide continued to roll in. Regardless of what?

It was a fresh, brisk winter morning and the waves were not alone in their violence; atop the shingle two men danced to the clash of steel. I love this transition! We have moved from this natural, ruggedly serene oceanic setting, to the clash between these two warriors in an effective manner.

he was on the back foot and he knew it "The back foot" instead of "his back foot" makes me think this is meant to be a common phrase, but it is not one I have heard of. So I stumbled here while reading, and had to stop and think about what it meant. I like to try and edit out those types of sentences, just because I do not want the reader to stumble at all.

the buckler on their left arm had already intercepted Bryce’s weapon and the sword in their right hand was already moving for the kill. You have "their" here again, and I am really confused about who it refers to. Again, it is one of those vague words that is better edited out, in my opinion.

hat had been aimed at his guts You have some passive voice in places.

The fighting scene is descriptive and engaging. I already find myself caring for, and rooting for Bryce at this point. I am emotionally invested in his plight, which is good storytelling, nice job!

Bryce focused on the blade that sought his flesh, studying its movements – high, low, high, right – each strike was met with his own steel. Some of this gets a bit too detached for my tastes. Maybe this is just a stylistic thing, but I know that he is fighting another man, not a sword. So the sword is not seeking his flesh, there is a man seeking his flesh, utilizing a sword.

About this point, you mention snow. You had not previously mentioned snow in the description of the area. So maybe you might want to work that in somewhere.

“Yes I do, Boy” he replied, with gruff laughter, “For starters it’s apparently the only way to get anything into that thick skull of yours. Plus it keeps an old man entertained, which is more than enough reason.” I love the dialogue. Nice work there!

Also, I love how we zoomed in on this fight, expecting that it was the start of some battle with hated enemies, and it turns out that they are in training. That was a nice touch there!

Even with his advanced years there probably wasn’t a single man in the peaceful Westerlands that could best him. Just a bit of a contradiction nags at me here. If the land is peaceful, then what is the need for the guards and the defenses and whatnot? I do see you explain this later on, but it still seems odd. Maybe it is because Garrod is portrayed as being this highly skilled warrior, so it just does not seem to add up that he would be stuffed away in some out-of-the-way hole.

He had been told the legends of the tower of a child of course I am guessing that you meant, as a child.

In the clear sunlight its whiteness even made the untouched snow seem somehow impure - with a finely tapering silhouette the tower twined around itself as a vine twines around a tree and at its summit it blossomed as a pale white rose, its cup raised toward the sky. You really have a way with descriptors.

After the shadowmen attack, right in the midst of the battle there is a discussion about how the shadowmen will then go on to attack the mainland. I would think this would be more of a slow realization. When this place has been peaceful for years without incident, I would just think that they would be more immediately focused on the atack on the isle, and would not necessarily jump to the conclusion that the attack meant more than that.

I love the idea that there is ancient magic that is waiting to be rediscovered and awakened. It provides a lot of mystery and potential interest for the story as I imagine the main characters trying to re-awake this magic in order to deal with a foe so ancient that it has descended into legend.


The Best Part of This Story

Wow, where do you start? How do you limit it to one thing? I think the story itself has great potential and is very compelling and interesting.You have a great capacity for describing scenery and the personalities of the characters. The world is interesting and inviting.


Concluding Thoughts

This is one book I would love to put on my Kindle, I hope I get that chance!


-j.r.

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5
5
Review by J. R.
In affiliation with TGDI Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It was hard to rate this, as it is an unfinished work. So it may have had a higher score if it were more finished.

Overall Plot/Story
I am guessing maybe this is where you are struggling, where to go from here. You could go in many different directions. You said that you wanted to take this in a fantasy direction, so you could go with urban fantasy, where you bring fantasy elements into our modern world. Perhaps the reason this girl and her family moved to this area was to flee from something sinister. Maybe the reason she is so awkward is because her family is just really strange. Maybe her father is an alchemist who dabbles in a bit of wizardry.

Character Development
There is a little that you have here. You provided great descriptions of the characters' physically. You have provided some hints into their personality. I love how you provided some subtle insights into the girl's personality without taking on that narrative perspective.

Descriptions/Imagery
Again, not much here so far, but you really seem to do a great job with description.

Some Specific Comments
You seem to be more focused on gathering ideas than on editing at this point, so I am assuming you are in the creative mode rather than editing mode. So I will ignore the little typos or grammar errors, and just look at the story.

The Best Part of This Story
There was not much to go on, but I was already interested in the character, and curious about where the story was going to go.

Concluding Thoughts
I hope you get a chance to take this further, it would be fun to see where you can take it!



-j.r.

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6
6
Review of Slayer  
Review by J. R.
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
There is not too much there yet, so it looks like a work in progress. So you may be aware of much of this already.

Overall Story/Plot
You have a great story here, with a lot of potential. You have a lot of room for expansion. I like the idea that she slowly gets drawn into this world she wants to be a part of.

Some SpecificsMary Beth lay on her bed dozing; she imagined herself a dragon slayer, a medieval knight who lived in a tower, wore chain mail armor with shield and sword. The cadence of this sentence just seemed a bit off to me, a little awkward to read.

It dropped her; she was struck unconscious by a stone. I had to read this a few times to picture it, maybe you could expand on this to make the scene more vivid.

Characterization
I would like to get to know more about Mary. Why does she feel a need to escape into some other world? What has made her so obsessed with a fantasy world? How old is she? What is her personality like?

Summary
It looks like the beginning of a story, your first thoughts. I like it so far. I feel myself interested and wanting to read more. I think there is a lot of room for interesting expansion, and it seems like a fun story. Keep writing!
7
7
Review of Black Coffee  
Review by J. R.
Rated: E | (3.5)

My rating system: 1-Did not generally like the story; 2-The story was okay; 3-This was a good story; 4-This was an excellent story; 5-This was an amazing, mind-blowing story.

I had a teacher that would say, “Opinions are like bellybuttons. We all have them, and they all stink.” So there you are, this is just my opinion, but it helps me to grow as a writer to give it, and I hope maybe somewhere along the way I can help someone else in a small way.

Overall Tone/Plot

Wow, you really convey the emotions of this situation well. I so get this silent struggle and all of the emotions involved in this tragedy upon tragedies.

I love the idea maybe that they have both resigned themselves to a different fate from what they are currently living. Her leaving, and moving back to her relatives’, and him to take his own life. That this life, filled with their quiet acquiescence to the everyday lies they have been living is just a cover-up for what they both knew deep down was inevitable. Maybe in the letter she can even hint that she knows he will kill himself (like, “I know you will do what you need to”), and she knows he has to do what he has to do, and she is finally doing what she needs to do. And maybe for him, her leaving is finally this permission to do what he had needed to do all along, which is take his own life.

Having said that, I think that even with what you have here, it really says something. It has a meaning, and conveys a very real, tangible set of emotions. It is very striking, in a quiet sort of way. It has a great feel.

Overall Structure

Cutting and pasting can be a pain, but it makes it easier to read if you have spaces between paragraphs, indents at the beginning of each new paragraph, or both.


Specifics

It was a day of no importance, nothing so special as to mark her calendar and count the days ‘til it arrived. I love this tone you have here at the outset. It is great, it really sets an excellent stage. I might push it even further if I were you. For example, this idea that no day is ever remarkable in her life. So today is not only not important, but nothing in her life is ever important anymore.

Every morning nothing changed, she knew what the day held and took no comfort from it. I love this. Just this idea that everyday she just goes through the motions, in order to try going through emotions. You really have a knack for setting an emotional tone.

He pulled the truck into the driveway… Most often, you are dissuaded from switching perspectives in writing like this, because it can get confusing for the reader. Of course, part of the whole artistic freedom is being able to know when to ignore the rules, in an attempt to craft something intentional. So I think for me, ultimately, this worked. I actually liked the switching of perspectives, and I thought you did a great job of making it very clear which perspective you were writing from when you switched. So I really liked this, I think it worked.

He couldn’t bring himself to tell her not so close to this day. Probably missing a comma here.

Every night the man put on his work clothes and left in the grey truck as she fell into a prescription induced sleep. I love this. It sets up this whole life of pretense that they are living. This is a nice added element that really helps set the story well.

The bar closed hours before his shift was supposed to but the local drug store carried his own personal escape and didn‘t close. I cannot figure out what this means.

It had been a year since the boy committed the most personal of all sins. The bottles lay empty next to the body, one a full refill from the pharmacy the other stolen from the cabinet in the living room. She found him there his body limp and lifeless one hand curled every so slightly around the bottles neck. Wow, you are awesome! Many people would get so caught up in telling this part of the story, wanting to devote a lot of time and attention to it. But that is not the story you are telling. So you rightfully relegate it to a background issue. Enough of an explanation to pull the reader along, but not so much that it detracts from what is really the main story here.

The townspeople came with pitying looks and casseroles carrying on with false sympathies and promises that it would get easier with time. I love this line! I can actually feel this line. How she felt when the neighbors and friends came with food and platitudes. None of them really knowing what to say, and none if it making things any better. All that feeling conveyed in a line, I love it.

His bad habits failed to phase her these days it was an every day ritual lately except for Sunday. Run-on sentence here.

sense of normalcy they had once. I would go with once had.

Today was the day he decided, delaying it was no longer an option, she’d stand by him he knew thought with confidence. This sentence needs restructured, it is unclear.

Some days it was too much to bareShould be “bear”. Bare means exposed.

her dark chestnut hair starting to gray it’s one curly texture I think you meant “once” curly texture.

The words tumbled out before he could stop them soon he found himself confessing the entire story about his termination and how the no good sons of bitches were looking for a reason to get rid of him choosing to say the event had occurred today to negate suspicion. This sentence is a bit confusing, it looks like you might be jumbling together his current thoughts on the subject (choosing to say the even occurred today to negate suspicion) with his recollection of the event.

Soon he would fall into a stupor in his favorite chair in the dark living room and she could make her move. You do such a good job of conveying emotion, I wonder if you could not make this sudden resolve of hers more poignant.

She walked quietly to the guest room’s closet despite knowing Despite here sets out a contradiction for me, instead of what you are trying to say it seems like, which is that she is being extra careful, even though she does not need to be. he wouldn’t here her he was passed out for at least a few hours Here should be hear. Also a bit of a run-on sentences here. plenty of time to make the move. This I cannot say what it really is. I think what it is, is that this seems incongruous to me. Making her move seems like she is somehow planning to get ahead. She has a plan to make a move, to achieve something. Whereas more the feeling I think I want from her is that she has finally resigned to doing something. She cannot stand this anymore. So rather than moving toward something better, what she is doing is moving away from something bad. So she isn’t moving, so much as she is escaping. That is really just a completely stylistic thing though, which you may totally disagree with. *Smile*

A long time had passed since she knew what being happy was about and she intended to it again. The it here is a bit unclear. Also it is grammatically incorrect, probably just a missed word here. So you may want to restructure this sentence.

You’ve known for a long time as have I that this is over. Awkward, you may want to add some punctuation, or try rewording.

I’ll leave you to your pleasures here. This seems out of place to me. What pleasures? There has been no pleasure anywhere in the story, so this comment seems out of place to me.

He sat at the table the cup of coffee she had poured him just this morning. Again, a sentence that probably needs restructured.

…in as he opened his flask and poured it in the glass. Just a couple of technical, nitpicky things. The flask was previously emptied, so how is it that he can pour anything from it? Also, he does not technically pour the flask into the cup, he is pouring the contents of the flask into the cup.

The silence was deafening as he pulled the trigger. It seems a bit cliche to say “the silence was deafening.” Also, I do not think of a gun being particularly quiet.

Final Thoughts

In some places you come across as a very new writer, with some punctuation and spelling errors. Then in other places, you come across as very composed and intentional as a writer, with some really striking composition that draws emotion out of me. So if you are an experienced writer, sorry. If you are not, then wow you really have some major potential. This was a very poignant piece, and I really hope you will alert me if you revise it, I really enjoyed reading it.

Thank you for sharing your words.
8
8
Review by J. R.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
My rating system: 1-Did not generally like the story; 2-The story was okay; 3-This was a good story; 4-This was an excellent story; 5-This was an amazing, mind-blowing story.

This story has been on my to-do list to review, because I really liked it.  I love the idea of these mysterious monks that seem very different from what I usually picture when I think of monks from fantasy stories.

Alende ran for his life down the dark streets, knowing that they would soon catch up with him. This feels a little cliché to me. In your opening, it seems good to set yourself apart, make this a novel experience for the reader, and declare from the outset that this will be a new and different story. So, maybe something like: Alende felt the pounding of his heart, echoing the pounding of his feet on the cobble stones as he fled, attempting to escape his would-be executioners.

You start out here, right in the thick of action. I love it. I am immediately pulled into Alende’s plight as he struggles to save his own life. Action baby!

As the Aksarian ambassador he was always in danger, always prepared for attacks. I like this, a little glimpse into who he is as a person. Would love to see more of this characterization. Action is interesting, but what hooks me most as a reader is being interested in the characters. I want to know who they are. So it would be great if you introduced some more glimpses into Alende’s personality and characteristics.

But just as he bumped into the wall, watching in terror as the men slowly approached him with their swords drawn, he was saved by a miracle. Two things. In my opinion, I generally dislike starting a paragraph with “but.” It continues a thought from the previous paragraph, which just makes things a little clunky in my opinion.

Also, as a reader, I hate the whole “miracle” concept. Too much of the deus ex machina thing going on for me. I understand that happenstance plays a big part in a carefully crafted story, but the “suddenly a miracle happened” thing makes my eyes want to roll a little.

One thing I see about Alende is that he tends to notice things. I like that. So I start to get this picture of an analytical person, which makes sense as an ambassador.

but to no use.”but it was no use” would be less awkward here. Maybe you could try rewording though.

Left on the scene This sounds more like a police drama to me.

The whole thing seemed a bit short to me, for the prologue of a book. Still, it was engaging and interesting. I felt myself compelled to want to know more about the characters, and the world they inhabit. That was why I have wanted to review this, because I really did enjoy reading it. I hope I get a chance to read more of it. Thank you for sharing your words with us.
9
9
Review by J. R.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for noticing. :)
10
10
Review by J. R.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am pretty inexperienced as a writer, so I would take anything I say with a grain of salt.  (Except for all the positive comments, I would definitely take all those to heart.)

I love the idea of the story. Usually it is things like dragons that we see as “the last dragon” or the “last unicorn.” I am not aware of the phoenix being written about like this. I like the idea of it being the centerpiece of the story. Also, it seems like the phoenix is usually mentioned in passing, or is a side character in the story, so it feels more original to have it be a central character in the story, which make this story interesting.

It has a very mythological feel, like the stories from the ancient Greeks, Romans, or Native-Americans. I love that feel, and it made a great atmosphere for the story.

The word phoenix is a tough one. Phoenix and phoenixes are both technically correct ways to indicate multiple firechickens. I think it poses a technical sort of complexity though, because it may confuse some readers as to whether or not you are talking about multiple birds or one bird in any given sentence. As I was reading it, I found I had to read it multiple times in different places to see if you were talking about one phoenix or numerous phoenix. I love the challenge of writing using phoenix as the plural word, so I love that you took the plunge and did not go with the easier “phoenixes.” It just seems right, and much classier that you went with “phoenix” for the plural. I would just be careful to set the context each time to make it clear if you are talking about one bird, or multiple birds.

There are some places where I am trying to follow, but what you are trying to relate is just a bit unclear to me. Like I would love to hear more about the connection between the phoenix and the world of men, and how it came to be that the men had somehow caused the destruction of the phoenix. It seems like I am just flirting on the edges of grasping that. Like I said, it has a very mythical feel, and it would be great to get more of that fleshed out.

There are some slight inconsistencies in the story. For example, you mention in more than one place that no one has any idea what the phoenix is anymore. You mention that the young boy knows he is a phoenix because he still believes in mythical creatures. The inconsistency there is that you did not relate that men know what a phoenix is, but no longer believe in them, you indicated that had no idea what they ever were. So how would a very young child even know what a phoenix was, regardless of the whole ‘little kids believing in magical creatures’ thing?

Another one that was hard was that the boy’s hair caught on fire, which would be a pretty severe burn, where probably his clothing had burned as well. But he just closed his eyes and whimpered. It seems improbable that a young child would not be screaming and crying at this point. Maybe he had just come to accept his own death, but it would be good to get a bit more about that, if that is the case.

The end seemed a jumbled rush, where I was left feeling a little unclear on things. Did the boy die? Was the father accepting the boy’s death (which seems pretty unrealistic, so I would need sold a bit more on this somehow)? How does the phoenix go on to help to rebuild worlds? The deus ex machina sort of approach where all this time was spent losing his kin, and searching for other phoenix, only in the end to kill a kid in the shed, then swoop up and BAM there is another phoenix. It seems a bit implausible. This last paragraph could probably lead to several paragraphs fleshing out more of the details here.

Just a personal preference really, but I would like to know that this little boy that cared for the phoenix somehow meant something in the grand scheme of things. That his life and death where somehow significant.

Having said all that, I cannot wait read it again if you revise it and repost. Many of the questions that went unanswered for me were great in that I was curious enough to want to know. If I was bored to death, I would not even care what the answers were. You sparked enough interest form me that I want to know more about the phoenix. I want to get to know them better, because you have made them interesting. I did not have to force myself to keep reading, I was genuinely interested.

I see you are new here too, I hope I get to read more of your work.

Thanks for sharing your story!
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