*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jasonk58
Review Requests: OFF
8 Public Reviews Given
8 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Cunning_Sage
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this text specifically because the imagery was so excellent. I also get a great sense of the emotions the main character exhibits. The story flows quite well allowing the reader to get lost in the story. Below are some editing suggestions you'd requested.

"That it would only be remains by that hour was a certainty, though an unspoken one, by men whose throats bled from calling that name." - Sounds better as "The grim certainty of the remains was unspoken by the men whose throats bled from calling <sex of child> name."

"In case he should scream and rip out his beard. In case he should curse the gods and beat his fists bloody against the rocks." - Combine these two sentences.

"At her feet his two young sons crouched, both wide-eyed and unnaturally quiet" - Remove the adverb making their eyes "wide-eyes and quiet to an uncharacteristic intensity."

"helplessnessand" - add a space.

"Grudgingly, it raised a wing to allow his master access to his prize." - Remove the adverb and have "it raised a begrudged wing."
2
2
Review of The Old Man  
Review by Cunning_Sage
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have great imagery, but the main character is lacking. This passage could use a paragraph in between the time he sees the fox through his window and follows it outside. Something introspective along the lines of his growing excitement and curiosity may work.

The flow of this story is excellent. Each paragraph does a good job of leading into the next one. I am curious about where this leads and The Old Man's motivations for dealing with people's lives. I get the impression it's similar to making a deal with the devil.
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jasonk58