This is an exceptionally helpful article for those of us trying to improve our writing. Each suggestion should be adopted and exploited in order to build the elusive believable character. For me, there is a powerful temptation to just start writing without considering the key elements of the story. Knowing who your characters are is essential.
Thank you for the poetry. The appreciate the idea behind the poem of the master craftsman and the clay in his hands. That is, I am sure you know, a Biblical theme (Isaiah 64.8). I immediatly picked up on a spiritual theme whether intended or not.
As a suggestion you might revisit the extreme rhyming nature of the poem. I found myself paying more attention to the rhymes than to the message itself. In fact a time or two it seemed you were forced the use words, in order to rhyme, that were unfamiliar and thus distracting of their own account.
Perhaps a abab rhyming pattern or something not as rigid would be useful.
Nevertheless, those are just my thoughts and you should take them with the proverbial grain of salt. Just keep up the work!
Excellant work! You gently hint at the deep passion you feel for your spouse without becoming vulgar. You also give great credence to the idea of love that transends the physical as you talk about growing old.
I also like that you divided this nicely into verses. So often poems are one long running block of verse. While there is a place for it, it is so much easier to read verse like yours.
From one Dad to another, Bravo! It is sad but the times do change and you have captured that nicely. It might be interesting to see what you would write 20 years from now when your children begin to rediscover your wisdom.
Only one suggestion, and it is tiny. You write:
I once elicited excited choruses of Daddy!
Now, the word Dad is spoken with an air of disgust or disappointment.
An excellent personification of a tsunami. I kept reading faster to see what you were going to say next.
You wrote:
"As unaware you wait my awesome thrust,
my curve that curls at sandy shore, my wave
that skyward soars magnificent, my grab
that drags all to my bosom in the end."
I thought the imagery was so exciting especially the"grab that drags all to my bosom in the end." I enjoyed the piece.
I would certainly continue the story. Mal could prove to be very interesting and could be developed as a love interest for AMber or some malevolent character. I enjoyed your use of his vernacular language. It gives a nice touch to the story. Keep it up. I will look forward to future chapters.
Thank you for reminding us that children truely bring us all together. Death is never pretty, always a bad thing when considered in its entirety. However there are occasions, such as the one you recount, where an illness draws people together in way never imagined.
Thank you.
Wow! You said it was controversial and you are right. However it is very well written and knocked my socks off. I hate death and dying and you have well captured the angst that accompanies the passing of a loved one especially the fear and maybe even guilt of the one left behind. Your use of the 50 year anniversary was a beautiful hook on which to hang the story.
My only suggestions would have been to flesh out the characters just a bit more and maybe suggest something about the sterility and coldness of the scene especially if set in a hospital. Of course the brevity of the piece makes it like a sharpened arrowhead aimed right into the middle of my spirit.
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