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43 Public Reviews Given
47 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Misty  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (5.0)
I wish her and you all the best. Oftentimes we give up on pets too early because we don't place the same value on them as on a human life, which is truly unfortunate as a lot of them would get better with the right care. She sounds well cared for and I really hope she continues to recover. :)

You've got a few spelling errors there, but I can hardly get upset about those because this isn't really a piece of prose. It's interesting to see things like this on the site - it's not the usual faire, but it's no less heartwarming. :)
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Review of The Boon  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.0)
You've done something very positive here - you've created a story that sucks the reader in. From the moment Is tumbled on this paging through random entries, I decided to read it right away - and knowing how lazy I am (my browser window is full of tabs of stories I have yet to read), that's a major accomplishment. We start off by immediately introducing the main character, Dayla, and her problem, conflict, and desire - she is obviously a bladesmith of some skill, but she cannot progress further. This is a good way to do things, as it immediately makes us want to follow how she is going to get over her problems.

You have an archetypical story here, too, in the ambitious person who desires more but loses something important to them in pursuing it, a classic tragedy. The magic in this setting appears to be quite the Monkey's Paw, where every wish granted comes at cost, and you foreshadow this brilliantly with Dayla's master. Swordsmithing in this world seems to be half technical, half art, all mixed in with spirituality, and I found myself wondering about the world beyond - it seems there's also some kind of arena, perhaps even with a political stake riding on the outcome of each match. It leaves enough up in the air for us to be intrigued. Then there is the final reveal and sacrifice at the end, tying it all together for a bittersweet but effective ending. Very well done.

So, those are the things you did right. What about things that could be improved?

One of my earliest questions was in why Dayla had never been told about the sacrifice required by her master for her profession earlier in her training, but then that plot thread is easily tied off by the fact that he, himself, was asked to give up something more than he could bear, and perhaps did not even wish to speak of it to Dayla afterwards. However, this leaves the lingering question of how he could be a master if he could not produce magic blades himself, since it seems that Dayla's blades aren't magical at /all/ without sacrifice. If Kasiron didn't make such a sacrifice much earlier on in his career, how could he be competitive in the profession? Dayla implies that one needs to be able to make magic blades in order to be so.

If I was to suggest a fix to this, it would perhaps be to work in some angle where magic blades can be produced by the bladesmiths, but the truly powerful ones - the ones in demand by the champions of the arena, the ones that can meld themselves to their wielders - require sacrifice, or at least sacrifice in gaining the ability to produce them.

Another question I had was regarding Dayla's motivation, and the motivations of others, during the fight scene, While it's clear she is close to Kasiron, enough to overlook his transgressions against the Emperor, it might do to make things a bit more clear in that regard - she jumps from being shocked and disappointed that he would be a traitor to defending him against an unknown threat, without even stopping to consider that this could perhaps be someone trying to arrest or stop his treachery - her motivations required some thinking on my part to figure out, and even then, they feel slightly awkward. Moreover, the warrior who is with Kasiron instantly tosses a magic sword at her, seemingly accepting her as a friend, despite Dayla not recognizing him - why does he so easily assume that she is an ally? Kasiron also seems to show no surprise at her being there (although, to be fair, he probably didn't have much time). I think the leadup to the fight scene in general could use a bit more thought and description, as could its end - nobody tries to stop Kasiron and Dayla from leaving the fight after Kasiron is wounded, either?

My final question - why exactly did Kasiron stop making his runed swords? If the price that he paid was to have Dayla leave the city forever, how does ceasing to make magic swords assist him or the "spirits" in that? Unless the price that Dayla was asked to pay was to leave the city, and Kasiron's payment in order to make magic swords was to... not be able to make magic swords anymore. You can see why I might be slightly confused! That being said, I loved the (perhaps unintentional) hinting that these two valued each other more than the other realized, almost to the point of a romantic context.

So, those are my thoughts. Aside from a few bits of momentary confusion with the plot, I very much enjoyed reading this. With some minor polishing, this could be a great short story - I would suggest that you expand it. More descriptions, more interaction, more detail - you have a few fascinating ideas for a storyworld here. Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of A Fish Tale  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.0)
For how short this story is, you manage to create a sense of atmosphere, terror and dread that's only smashed in further by the hammerblow ending. Very well done. As a horror story, this plot works perfectly, and is definitely the strong suit of the entire piece. I did, however, notice some problems as I was going through which could use some fixing, but the overall quality of the story means I only knocked off one star.

Here we go, in the rough order in which I spotted them:

Tony was my boyfriend we’d been dating for a little over six months, we met at my job, I was a barista, or as Tony likes to call me a caffeine pusher. (Punctuation is all over the place here. Consider this versus: "Tony was my boyfriend. We'd been dating for a little over six months. We met at my job; I was a barista, or as Tony likes to call me, a caffeine pusher.")

Then the rope began to jerk, wildly around, (This is where you don't need any punctuation beyond a period or comma at the end. "Then the rope began to jerk wildly around." Don't separate adjectives from verbs in situations like these.)

I ran over and put my rebreather, and goggles on took a deep breath grabbed Tony’s rope, then I went over the side. (At the risk of sounding like a broken record... "I ran over, and put my rebreather and goggles on, took a deep breath, grabbed Tony's rope, and then I went over the side." Separate out individual actions with commas as if you're reading off a checklist. If this doesn't make it seem urgent enough, add description to the beginning. "My heart began to race as I hurriedly ran over, snatched up and put on my rebreather and goggles, took a deep breath, grabbed Tony's rope, and then I went over the side as fast as I could.")

It seemed to know I was there it detached from Tony’s neck, and looked at me with cold black eyes; (Proper use of a semicolon. Great job. Many writers have no idea how to do that. You missed a period, though, making this disjointed. "It seemed to know I was there. It detached...")

I swam to Tony but I could see blood pouring out of the wound in his neck, (At this point you've established that Tony is a foot in front of her, so the word "swim" implies that he's still a bit of a distance away. "I pushed myself in closer to Tony" perhaps?)

He was clutching something in his hand; I forced his fingers open and took it (While I realize that this is important to the ending, she sees the creature swimming at her, yet her first thought is to take what's in Tony's hand? Let alone the fact that even under stress she perceives that at all. It even gets her grappled a moment later because she was presumably busy prying his hand open to get it. Perhaps instead it should fall out of Tony's hand and she should reflexively grab it - and perhaps before she actually realizes the creature is a creature. Bonus points if she only realizes the creature is a living thing at close range when it grins at her and suddenly grabs her. That would be even scarier.)

I screamed, my rebreather fell out of my mouth and water filled my lungs. (It's an understandable reaction to scream, even underwater. However, inhaling water generally doesn't happen until you fall unconcious. If you inhale and are still conscious, you're going to cough, and even if you can't, your throat will close off to keep from flooding your lungs. Perhaps water filled her mouth instead?)

As I broke the surface the fish managed to wrap around my stomach and pull me back down, its body crushed me forcing me to expel what air I had managed to ingest. (Good sentence, but we could perhaps use more detail on the breaking of the surface for effect. When she breaks the surface, what does it feel like to finally get a gasp of air only for it to be choked off? I'd restructure this into two sentences.)

As it held me there we were face to face its tongue darted out of its mouth and I could see the teeth on it before it licked me cutting my cheek open. I could feel my body losing strength everything was becoming cloudy. No I couldn’t let this be the way it ended, (Punctuation again, I hate to say it. This is basically three run on sentences back to back. You need commas here, even with how urgent the situation is. Your prose itself is very good, though, and properly connotates the desperation of the struggle, so I wouldn't worry about lack of urgency.)

I swear I heard it scream. (This was a great moment, but I put this here because I was left wondering what a scream by an aquatic creature would sound like. It certainly wouldn't sound like a human scream. It might be interesting if you could come up with a descriptive manner for it to scream underwater. Perhaps a loud, watery rumble, or a distorted, piercing wail. The unusual frightens us.)

I laid on the boat, until I was able to breathe normal again. (Normally again.)


Phew. Well, lots of little things, lots of punctuation issues, and a few points at which I think you could expand. Altogether, not a bad haul at all. With some minor proofreading this story could be utterly excellent. There's plenty of potential here. Give it a read through and some rewriting and I'll gladly re-rate for five stars or provide suggestions if you or I missed anything.

You do, by the by, seem to have an issue with comma and period placement. This is a very common problem with writers, so don't feel bad. Puncutation ain't easy to figure out, and you obviously should write the story first and worry about it later. Still, it's something you do have to pay attention to in editing. Aside from reading the published novels that are out there to see how they do it, the best advice I've ever heard for dealing with punctuation issues is to go back and read through the story aloud at a normal place. Wherever you find a comma, pause for one second. Whenever you find a period, pause for three. If it sounds like you're babbling on or chopping your sentences into fragments that aren't understandable, move the punctuation around until it makes sense.

Anyway. My minor gripes aside, I really enjoyed reading this story and I'll have to take a peek through your portfolio sometime. Write on!
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Review of Ms. Christmas  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very sweet story. I was surprised at how well you pulled me in. Your characters are very, very interesting, and their interactions with one another are what sell this character-driven piece. You drop us into their characterization right away as you tell a small part of all three of their stories, a bit at a time. Very impressive work.

That being said, there are a few spelling errors lingering about, a few misplaced punctuation marks, and a couple of minor issues I saw. I'll illustrate them here to help you improve this piece, but before I do

Here we go, in roughly chronological order:

-His over-sized black Tonka truck sweater looped over red sweatpants. "Oh, alright, uh, I'll send an officer up," the nurse at the receptionist's desk answered after a moment. (An officer? Why not a nurse? Police officers don't generally hang around hospitals. If you mean hospital security, that's just fine, but a nurse would probably come over first to see if they need security's help, or whether it's only a short distance away and the nurse can handle it.)

"You to sir," she answered and clicked off. (Spelling error: To instead of too. Also, 'clicked off' suffices, but it doesn't feel descriptive enough. Perhaps ", and the intercom clicked off?")

Turning back around with a few more pops I looked at the kid again. Tony looked like he had walked out of a slum. "Is your mom a patient or doctor or nurse or something kid?" (This could do with some revising to make it flow better. Above all, it needs some commas. "Turning back around, with a few more pops issuing from my spine, I looked at the kid again. Tony looked like he had walked out of a slum. "Is your mom a patient, or a doctor, or a nurse or something, kid?")

Kareem my guard popped into view. He was a chocolate man with no hair on his head. A black turtleneck didn't modestly expose the muscles he had. (Commas again. "Kareem, my guard, popped into view." Also, that last sentence is confusing. It didn't modestly expose his muscles? That rules out his muscles being modestly exposed, but it leaves the possibility of them being well exposed or hidden, and we don't know which!)

"Doctor Carl," Kareem suggested. Doctor Carl was my doctor. (That's entirely too many repetitions of 'doctor' for such a short sentence. When you're starting the blindingly obvious, it's best to break things up with 'of course'. "Doctor Carl.' Kareem suggested. Carl, was, of course, my doctor." That's only two 'doctors', and it flows a lot more naturally.)

"What operation would that be," (Missing question mark)

"Glad your fine Mayor," she said with a tired smile. (Your is possessive. You're looking for "you're", which is a contraction of 'you are'.)

"How about you go home? I'll be fine for tonight. Get some sleep and come back later," (You may wish to put emphasis on the "you" here, as it sounds more natural and doesn't lose the reader as easily about who's asking who what, as it gives the sense of the suggestion being 'thrown back'. "How about you go home?" "How about /you/ go home?")

"Your Tony's mother," (You're again. Also, end sentences with a period, not a comma.)

"No, it's alright. What time is it?" I asked, blinking and squinting in the sudden sunlight. The waiting room was empty except for me, Kareem I could see in the corner of my vision, and this blonde woman. She had the same blue eyes as Tony I immediately assumed it was his mother. (This could use some punctuation touch-up as well, but I think you've got the gist of that, so I'll instead focus on the question that was running through my mind at the time. Why is Tony's mother so lucid and awake after just coming out of kidney surgery? She'd have nurses placing her in the recovery room after she's out of the OR, and she won't wake up for a while afterwards. On top of that, the way you've set the scene almost gives the impression that she's standing there in front of the main character. After you've had surgery done on you, doing any standing is the last thing on your mind, as well as being a very bad idea for your recovery.)

Anyway. Aside from those issues, I really did honestly enjoy this story. With some minor touch ups it could be even better, but aside from fixing what I've mentioned here, what I'd really like to see you do is expand it. Be more descriptive with the environment and thoughts and events of the story you've come up with here, because you have a great plot that could last even longer. Write on!
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Review of Fishy Story  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (5.0)
A short but very well-contained story. I liked your storytelling, everything flows very well - the narrative seems wrapped up succinctly in a neat little package. You use first person narration to give the sense of a story being directly told, as if to his grandkids. I can't think of anything to improve, so you get the full five stars. Well written. Write on!
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Review of Ends Dream  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A very interesting little sci-fi story. I like how you take a concept and simply run with it. Sci-fi can be hard to do because of the concepts involved, and the best advice I've ever heard is to state something absurd - in this case, a man with a disease in a suit to survive - and follow it to it's natural conclusion. You've done a great job with making sure the audience has much of the information they need to know; The casual mention of hazmat suits being the key to realizing the world is undergoing gradual ecological catastrophe, the auction being for a large amount of industrial grade aluminum, etc. This is the way to do good sci-fi. I'd love to see more from you.

As an aside, I've never heard - assuming you're referring to the Christian figure - him referred to as "the Christ", always "Christ" or "Lord" or "Jesus". That's about the only thing I noticed that's out of place.
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Review by Jetman123
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A very heartwarming and simple story that, despite being set in a fantasy setting, seems more 'slice of life' than many other things I've read. Your characters are human and act and react like real people, not like the distant, aloof men and women that seem to populate most fantasy. Honesty lends credibility to unbelievable situations, and even in the midst of two people who you'd ordinarily expect to be quite serious (by nature of their profession) tickling the protagonist to within an inch of her life, it never seems forced or unbelievable.

I did notice two errors, which is the only reason I knocked off half a star:

- “You’re hands seem find.” But, he didn’t let go, instead fixing Mara with those concerned eyes again. “But, you’re not.”

'You're' is a contraction of 'You are'. You're looking for "your". "Fine" is also mispelled. You also overuse "But" here. Try to avoid starting a statement or a sentence with it. Replace "buts" with bridging statements like "despite this" or "even then". The second instance of "You're" is correct, but it could be phrased better. Consider this rewrite:

"Your hands seem fine." Despite this, he didn't let go, instead fixing Mara with those concerned eyes again. "But you're not." (Emphasis is my own personal touch, you needn't use it.)

-“Aw, look at that1 he teased as his fingers danced. (Malformed - 1 instead of an exclamation mark, no capitalized H or ending quote mark.)

Overall, this is very well put together. You use descriptive language, your characters bounce off each other well, and the story stands on it's own. Very well done. Write on.
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Review by Jetman123
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
An amusing little anecdote! I smiled at it. Your writing made the thing spring to life, and somehow made the rivalry cute. It certainly seems like they don't hate each other too much despite the fighting, although that might just be the perspective we get from this one.

I did notice one problem. "When the kids were toddlers they generally played together quite well..." The impression we get from the rest of the text, and the tagline, is that the kids are already toddlers by the time they've started fighting, so this line is a bit confusing. As I'm not sure of their ages when you're referring to these incidents, I can't tell you exactly how to fix this, but you may want to replace "toddlers" somewhere with another word that implies them being older or younger in order to avoid too much confusion.

Oh, the joys of being a parent. I may experience them some day. From what most people have told me, it will be quite a handful. Thanks for writing and sharing this!
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Review of A Risky Purchase  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this. As a comedic bit of writing, the sheer wryness that the narrator goes about espousing is actually very funny. The tongue-in-cheek nature of it made me come away not upset at him for his blunt lack of knowledge and understanding but snickering at the sheer absurdity of it all. Well done.

However, you made a couple of errors. I'll start with the grammatical and punctuation ones and move up. You have trouble distinguishing periods from commas (The results were mind boggling.to say the least. - This should be a comma and there should be a space after the comma.) (I wish I knew, Do you? - Don't capitalize a word unless it comes after a period.) and you also overuse the comma in certain places. (As you leave his office he yells back, "By the way, you just got a good deal, we have the best prices in town." - A better way to say this would be "By the way, you just got a good deal! We have the best prices in town!")

While the scene about questioning the baby salesman at the nursery was funny, it outstays it's comedic welcome slightly and runs on a bit too long. I'd trim it a bit shorter, because the shorter and more to the point it is the more it underlines the absurdity.

Overall, though, I liked this. Good job.
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Review of The Switch  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.5)
This story was _very_ interesting to read. You have a set of interesting characters here, and I didn't even need to be aware of their circumstances or previous adventures to understand at least a little bit of who they were. On top of that, your depiction and the way you show both deafness and telepathy is top notch and along with the characters was the main reason I was so interested in this piece from beginning to end. I would be very interested in seeing more of Aliye's life.

There is one thing I can suggest, though. The telepathy isn't in any sort of quote marks, and this ends up being a bit confusing. While putting thoughts in unmarked prose is common in some circles, it works there because it's usually only a single character, thinking to himself. However, when you have telepathy, you have two people talking to each other, and when that mixes with descriptions of their actions it can be jarring to the reader as they try to figure out what's a transmitted thought and what's not. For example:

"However, it was teaching Tersa so many things, and she felt Aliye needed to learn some things as well. Your breathing is loud because your head is wrapped up. When a hearing person covers their ears, their breathing is really loud."

There's no indication that it's Tersa speaking here - it looks like narration all the way through until you look again. The easiest suggestion I can think of is simply putting all thoughts in italics. That renders it almost unmistakable, though it can be slightly annoying. 'Single quote marks are also an option.'

Beyond that, though, I was very impressed by this. Your prose is simple, but it works, and you've got a very creative, character-driven mind with lots of potential. I'll take a look through your portfolio sometime and give your other items a watch as well. Write on!
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Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (5.0)
Despite the two votes on it, I'd say you shouldn't go for You Only Live Twice. That title implies that it's a James Bond parody of some sort. 132 degrees below and frozen truth have an impact like it but actually connect to the novel, and a publisher should be able to come up with something striking for the cover image based off those two!
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Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (5.0)
It seems females are more likely in general to keep blogs, but it could also mean there are more females responding to this survey than male (actually, the results confirm that), suggesting that maybe there's more females than males on writing.com, or maybe that the females on writing.com are more active or are more the type to read and answer entries like this instead of working on their own stuff. Very, very interesting. This demands more study!
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Review of The Existence  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A very nice story. You understand how to build tension very well, and while the story is actually fairly simple in terms of plot, it's told in a very descriptive, tense manner that makes us feel what the protagonist feels. It's this that makes the ending so effective.

However, one problem I noticed was that the characters tend to speak in exposition that sometimes comes off as stilted. When the main character's mother explains the myriad steps involved in cleaning the house, she is unlikely to go over the entire process in minute detail if she's explained it before. This can be a bit of a tricky business - oftentimes you have something you need to convey to the audience but the characters would ordinarily not say it between themselves. Movie writers have a bit of a harder time, because movies are a visual medium, but in writing, the problem is far simpler.

There are a bunch of things you can do to get around this problem. You can have the main character remember the rest of the process and spell it out in unspoken narrative as she goes through the process in her mind, or you can describe the entire process as it's being done. Remember that you needn't describe or exposit on everything in detail right away, and you can describe things as you go along.

The other issue I have is that this story, for what it contains, is very heavily laden with that same narrative content. While the spiritual procedures here are actually quite fascinating, the large amounts of information dumped upon us about them tends to crowd out the reader's mind and make them forget some of that urgency you build so well. I'm not saying you should cut every description of the spiritual traditions out, but you should consider trimming some of the large paragraphs, like the one describing the Pemba, down as much as possible, or spreading out the information so it doesn't come all at once.

All in all, despite my minor complaints, this was a great story and I enjoyed reading it. Keep on writing!
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Review by Jetman123
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A nice attempt to get back into writing. I enjoyed reading it.

As usual, I'll start with what I liked. You understand the concept of a narrative very well, and how to build tension, critical in any kind of horror story. While this story is simplistic it's told in a good way, with introduction, rising action, climax and a sudden ending. Very good practice for anyone that wants to write scary stories - keep it up. You also give us insight into the main character's thoughts and feelings, something that many writers fail to do correctly, and which is even more critical in a horror story.

The problems I did see, however, stem from your text patterns and style. You have tendencies to use run on sentences ("I had trouble getting back to sleeping in my room... ... sent me to my room for the night" and "But I woke the next morning... it kind of depressed me."). Endeavor to use "and" and "but" less, especially when starting sentences, unless it's unavoidable. Focus hard on your punctuation, as well - especially where to end your sentences. Use periods more.

Another problem I noticed is that almost anything in quotes has a sharp decline in level of diction compared to everything else. (You make the common "your/you're" mistake at the end. You're is short for "you are", so you said "It's me, you are brother." You were looking for "your", the possessive form) Most of what the narrator says seems tacked on afterward and doesn't seem to fit what you say their state of mind is, at times being silly. "Eh why not" - ignoring the lack of comma - is not the reaction I'd expect from a frightened child. Likewise for "s*** I pissed it off, what do I do now?"

Think hard about what your character would really say in a situation like this, because nothing breaks the mood more than dialogue that seems out of place. Remember that the absence of words can be just as effective - you don't need to have the character always say something, either. Always have the dialogue match the tone and mood, or it's jarring.

Don't let my critiques fool you, though. You've got talent, it just needs some refinement. I'd love to see more from you, and please don't hesitate to email me or respond to this if you need some encouragement, suggestions or you want me to review your next piece of writing. Keep it up!
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Review of Sleepless Aviator  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: E | (4.5)
A highly focused and character-driven single-person look into the mind of a nervous, depressed aviator. I very much liked this piece of prose. You bring his active and morose imagination to life and really make us feel some of the apprehension he must be going through, especially after having heard tales of the war from afar as he enters the middle of it.

Despite being an aviator and (mostly) being out of the carnage, in a way, you show that the carnage's effect extends far beyond the people forced to witness it first hand. It's almost as if the blood and death in the trenches is a proto-meme, carried from man to man, with even the pilots flying high above not able to escape it no matter how they might labor for altitude.

If I had anything to suggest, it would probably be to take this concept and run with it even farther. Write more! You've got something good!
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Review of The Sound  
Review by Jetman123
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
An interesting concept for a story. At first I thought you were going for something horrific, but the fact that there was nothing in the end left the whole thing rather comedic (OR WAS IT? :D), which I liked. Unfortunately, there were also some things I think need improvement.

I'll go over some other things I liked first, though. Your writing is impressively simple and not overcomplicated, and it works very well because of your sense of pacing. Paragraphs are properly spaced and I never saw anything that drew me out of the moment. The first person perspective was an excellent choice for this story, since there's not a lot of dialogue during the character's investigations, and we live mostly inside his head. You insert his thoughts at the end of each action, which helps keep us in the loop, and even leads to comedic moments. The plot actually was interesting, taking a twist from the expected lurking horror and going straight into comedy as the main character embarrasses himself.

Now, as for what I think you could improve, foremost (at least for me) would have to be the unnecessary detail. Despite your good sense of pacing with the paragraphs, a lot of details are described that don't strictly need to be. The financial details are explored in excruciating detail, for example. Now, don't get me wrong - details are important, but only when they have something linked to them. You don't have to remove them, but I think this ties into my next point.

A lot of things happen and we don't see any reaction to them from the protagonist. In fact, he feels very flat. Some, like the matches or the constant falls, are there for comedy, I'm sure, but in other places it feels almost as if you're writing a journal entry and forgetting to say how it makes you feel. You do do an excellent job in making him react (through his thoughts) to the various circumstances he encounters around the apartment, but we get very little glimpse into his core personality or motive, or more importantly, what his current state is, emotional or otherwise.

For example, let's take the "peeping tom" scene. I know he's taken pain pills by this point, and I know he's at least somewhat drunk, but you won't find a reminder of that anywhere in the text, and I was rather confused at the fact that he would waltz out of his apartment for a perimeter check in nothing but boxer shorts without realizing. We're told very little about his state or feelings, and not even the text provides a clue to how out of it I think he really is.

So, to sum up, I think this story is an excellent stab at an entertaining short story. Trim off some of the unnecessary details, and perhaps bring in some scene transitions if you can't give the interlinking paragraphs some meaning or purpose like exploring the character's state. (The point at which he goes out for fast food would be a good one to expand and not delete, for example, as that gives us some clue as to how exhausted he must feel.) Expand the protagonist a little with the early scenes and leave us some reminders as to his current state - even if he's based on you or someone you know, some thought about his character could go a long way.

Beyond that, I definitely enjoyed reading it. I'd like to see more from you.
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