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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kfullmer
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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My review style is gentle. :) I enjoy reading stories with interesting, realistic characters who are faced with life altering situations.
I'm good at...
I'm good at character development. Spelling, grammar and punctuation are not my strongest suits.
Favorite Genres
Romance, historical romance
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, cooking
Favorite Item Types
Romance, historical romance
Least Favorite Item Types
Blood and guts
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Heather,

This is a review of Dragoman Challenge.

Thank you for asking me to review your work! I have asked for many reviews on this site and each one has helped me in different ways. Please consider all my suggestions as helpful, not hurtful, as that is how they are intended.

First let me say that even though I was jumping into Chapter 3 of your story, it caught my attention and I was pulled right into the story! Well done! Not many can accomplish such a thing. I could feel that Toby was a pro and Ellie was out of her element even though I hadn't read the previous chapters.

I would alike to focus this review on passive writing. I'm not sure if you are familiar with that term, but it means "show not tell" when you write. It's the difference between watching a story from the sidelines, like a movie, and feeling as if you are in the character's skin. You do a great job of painting the picture, and I'm serous about that, your settings are wonderful, but I fell in and out of the characters as I read. The part where Ellie stuttered was awesome! I could feel that!

Here is an example of what I mean :
"Toby and Ellie strapped themselves into their seats. Ellie took a deep breath and smiled back at Toby who grinned in her direction."

I could see that, but what if you put yourself right into Ellie's seat with her and tried something like this:
"Ellie reached down to buckle her belt, her hand shaking. As the buckled clicked into the lock, she puffed out a long breath and glanced up to see Toby was grinning at her."

Be careful because that was verging on point of view issues, but you get the point. What did it sound like, feel like, to be there? if you were there what would you see? How would you describe it to a blind person who loves details? how would you describe it if it was your experience and you were retelling it?

Also, be sure to bump up the points of the story that are more vivid such as swimming in the waterfall. You wrote:
Fully clothed, she jumped into the swell of water at bottom of the waterfall and immediately she was surrounded by a greyish cloud in the cool water as the mud washed off. She swam freely with a smile on her face and into the sunshine. The water was refreshing.

You used the word "cool" to describe the water. Something like "chilled" would be a stronger choice. Also, you used a word "refreshing" to describe the experience. After sleeping in a jeep and being deep in mud in a humid jungle, I would choose a stronger word. Refreshing is a glass of lemon aid on the porch. "Exhilarating" would be part of that I'd think. Rethink using "smile" and "sunshine". Those are very gentle sweet words.

Be sure to bump up these moments. Instead of "immediately she was surrounded by a grayish cloud in the water" focus in on that cloud a bit more and try something like "the mud immediately melted from her skin, swirling around her like a storm cloud." You have really good bones in this story, it just needs smells and tastes and sensation to pull a reader not only into the story, but into the characters. Did bugs buzz around her head? There would be bugs, endless bugs. The humidity would be harsh too. Take your story and climb inside it, then write how it looks and and feels from that point of view.

Please know that I really did enjoy your story and that you write well, I'm serious. Passive writing happens, especially when we are trying to get the story onto paper. (or into the computer :) You did so many things right! Your style flows and the characters are intense and interesting. Don't stop writing this story!!

I'm very excited about your story and I think you really have a great chance to make it absolutely fabulous! I hope you enjoy your journey as you ride a jeep in the jungle!

Kirsten
2
2
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: E | (4.5)
Brigitte,

I read your story and honey, your writing is WAY above my reviewing ability. I don't read fantasy, but if I did, I'd love this because your story is very interesting and well written. Im not a professional, but I know poor writing and this isn't poor in any sense of the word. I could visualize the whole thing, and I wasn't distracted by the writing, it was awesome!

I really don't have anything to offer other than to encourage you to publish!

I bought a group review a few months back and it took them a while, but the reviews were very in depth and helpful. Maybe they would be a good option to get deeper input.

Best of luck with your writing!

Kirsten
3
3
Review of Chapter 1  
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Michelle,

Thank you for asking me for a review. As always, no matter how busy I am, reading other’s work makes me think and consider my own life and writing and it is always a learning experience. I appreciate that you consider my humble opinion important.

Your chapter was difficult for me to read, not in any way because of your writing, but because of the topic. The story could have been about me. Having said that, those moments of my life are not the moments I particularly want to relive. May I ask who your target audience is? Are you hoping to connect with other women who have shared a similar experience? Your writing is very vivid and immediately took me back, so I have to wonder who would want to jump into such an unhappy place. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with writing about this topic, I just wonder if using it for chapter one is a bit heavy? Not sure, just a thought.

I truly hope that this isn’t written from personal experience, however some of the things you wrote make me think that it has to be. If so, I hope you are in a far better place in your heart and mind now. ☺

As far as the writing, as I said, your style is very poignant and vivid, but there were a few places I had to back up and reread, disrupting the flow of the emotion. I’ll just start at the beginning and comment as I read.

The second word of your story, “hardly”, seems strange in the sentence. I read in one of my many “how to write” books, that beginning writers tend to have their characters start to do something, instead of just doing it. Maybe I didn’t like it because of that, but it makes the first sentence of the story seem hesitant. I LOVE the imagery of the light though the curtains though, very cool.

If it were up to me, which of course it’s not, I’d put the last sentence of the paragraph first. “I feel the heaviness of my favorite down comforter, but yet, a familiar coldness creeps deep into my soul.” That is a beautiful portrayal of the essence of the chapter. It’s harsh and real and immediately you are drawn into her mood.

This sentence felt awkward “The last remaining fog has lifted and I see around my surroundings with clarity.” It doesn’t sound right that your character would “See around my surroundings”. I have a hunch this is a typo, perhaps where you edited and left the word “around” in there by mistake?

Be careful using numbers. I’ve been told to use words (two fifteen am) for almost everything. I would also use the word clock, because I was a little confused that the alarm was set for 2:15 am and was blazing. The reader knows nothing of the character at this point, so may be she gets up at two am? Make sure they understand that the clock is mocking her. I love that thought because that is really how it feels!

This sentence is off. “Supposedly, new beginnings along with a sense of empowerment await me in a few, short hours, according to my relentless supporters.” I think you have a stray comma after “few”.

The visual of her wrapped in a blanket in the fetal position is awesome, but you use the word wrapped twice, close together. You may want to choose another word for one sentence.

This is a tool that a reviewer on this sight showed me, and it has a million fabulous verbs to help you write. http://writeouschick.com/verb-finder

Once again, and maybe it’s just me, but the next paragraph about loosing the s off mrs confused me for a moment and I had to reread. I thought she had lost a letter, like in the mail. You may want to reword that sentence.

Gabby has already torn out my heart and I fear what is coming up from her character.

I love your thoughts on the kids. I too had teenagers and it is so true that you try to hide the horror in your heart from them, yet they know whether they comment or not. I could plainly see the kids and feel her concern and despondency, as well as her never ending love for them.

This sentence “To be sure he is really up and moving instead of stealing his last precious minutes of sleep, I make my way up the stairs to his room..” feels like it has an extra “his” in it after the word stealing, and it has two periods. Most of these things I see as first draft type problems that a good editor will help you weed out. I know my editor has found tons of little things I don’t see after reworking my writing so many times. The feeling and emotion is all there, just a few simple hick-ups that need smoothed out.

I love the dog part, I am a dog person and I hope the poor thing is able to feel better eventually too. You really paint a picture of a family in a holding pattern of loss.

This sentence has a tag along that isn’t necessary. “I hurry to the middle bedroom where she has patiently awaited her turn to rise, until now.” The “until now” could be completely removed and you’d loose nothing from the sentence. It feels like a loose end to me. Again, just my opinion.

I like how you introduced the aunt and uncle with the dog. NICE.

“Every comical marathon ends when some internal need within her is satisfied or a neighbor has cornered her on their property.” This is the first sentence of a new paragraph, so you should probably refer to the dog by name. I wasn’t sure if the character ran marathons or what when I read this.

I got a good feel for what your character looks like, she is getting ready to leave, makes sense that she would look in the mirror, but I had a professional agent tell me once that the mirror thing to describe how a character looks is cliché, and not to use it. I leave that up to you, but I shy away from it since. Maybe I’m a chicken, lol?

I have a dog in the book I’m currently writing and a reviewer told me play more on the dog’s emotions. When you say the dog watched, maybe you could say something about her eye brows bobbing up and down, or her head tilting to one side. Just a thought to make it more show and less tell.

So all in all, I’d say I love this piece of writing. It drew me in and forced me to feel things I haven’t allowed myself to explore for a while. Your writing is visual and tactical and wonderful.

Having said that however, I don’t think I’d want to keep reading just because it is so heavy and I can feel even more painful things coming. Once again, I encourage you to think about your audience and what they want.

Are you purposely writing an angsty heart wrenching book that someone would be drawn to pick up because that’s what they want? If so, great! You’re well on your way! If not, and this is actually a happy ending after sadness and tragedy kind of book, you may want to research how to structure the beginning of the story in order to not chase away people looking for an insightful, loving kind of book. I say this because I feel that your character has the propensity and desire for joy, but I don’t know if I could wade through all the harshness to find it. I’m not an angst book kind of reader though. If you know your audience and you feel this is what would appeal to them, then please, continue on!

Thanks again for the opportunity to read your work this morning. Don’t ever stop writing! Keep plugging away and when you feel it is ready, pass it by a quality editor and polish it to perfection. Please let me know if you have any questions or comments, and check back with me sometime to let me know how it’s going!

Kirsten
4
4
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Thanks for asking me to review this! Not only was it wonderfully written, but it was exactly what I needed to hear today.

I loved the honesty of the content. I could tell you dug deep, to the point of pain, in order to find what you need.

The flow and style of your writing is wonderful. It's easy to read, easy to understand, and melodic. As a reader I could flow through your thoughts, and never once was I interrupted with a bump or catch, causing me to back up and reread.

Point of view can be difficult, and I'm sure that writing to yourself added a few interesting challenges, yet it felt natural. Flawless.

Well done! I only hope we both listen to the words and make them a reality.

Keep writing!

Sincerely,

Momma Lady
5
5
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done! It drew me right in. Wish there was more...
6
6
Review by Momma Lady
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Thanks for asking me to review your work!

I loved the overall idea of this story. It made me stop and think about life and the people I love. I have a son in the military and I often wonder about the things he’s been through and how that trauma will affect him. In the beginning of the story I found your main character, Jonathan, very immature, like a teenage boy. I love my son very much, but having raised a teen age boy and having his friends around the house for years, some of them drove me nuts. I realize he was supposed to be messed up and immature, but he was pretty off-putting. I’m not sure I would have continued to read long enough to even see what the story was about if I hadn’t been on this site. I was horrified about him almost hitting the kid on the bike for example, but then again, I’m a mother.  You may want to try to make him a bit less abrasive. I liked that he was good to the old lady, that made him more interesting to me, but I had invested some thought into her character, (who she was and why, why people owned her money, if she liked Jonathan, etc) and when she was suddenly gone from the story I felt kind of ripped off and more off put. You may want to lead on that this is a short time job so readers like me don’t get invested in Mrs. Miller. When I started the story I kept thinking that it wasn’t for me, it was for a teen age boy who could relate to Jonathan. That is sad because I really liked it in the end. I’m not sure how you could convey that Jonathan was not very likable but yet make him appeal more to a reader like me. That would be a real challenge. His sarcasm is very awkward and like an immature boy/man. Maybe you could refer to how he came to be that way, or how he uses sarcasm as a shield somehow. I do think you convey a realistic immature emotionally man, (Good job!) but he’s just so realistic I wouldn’t want to spend any time with him. Make sense? I guess I would have liked to see a glimmer of where the story is going, to his resolution and healing, so I would keep reading.

The start of the story was a little hard for me. The part about the water glass was a bit wordy, too many great adjectives. I liked the idea that he was focused on the water, completely not into the conversation, checked out, but you may want to say more about his ability to check out when he’s uncomfortable than the water. Also, I kept expecting “the right thing” he had to do to pop back up. Did he have to kill somebody? Steel something? What was that thing he had to do? I didn’t understand that they were breaking up until the thirty second comment, even then I wasn’t sure so I kept that something he had to do in my mind. I guess maybe he had to get a grip? If that was your idea I would have liked to see where that was going more clearly.

There were also a few places in the beginning where I got lost and had to back track. When Angie called in the car and he handed the phone to Mrs. Miller I didn’t really understand that she spoke to Angie and fell asleep. He handed her the phone and she was suddenly asleep, maybe dead. Also, Jonathan didn’t go into the store, he was suddenly tossing groceries in the back seat. I didn’t know he’d left the car. I had to back up and reread that to understand what was going on. Maybe it’s me, but you may want to smooth that out a little.

Lucy was a great character. I loved her and how tender he was with her. I don’t think she would have laughed about running over a squirrel though. (I’ve also had twelve year old daughters.) You’re portrayal of her was very sweet. I would have loved to read more about how the things she said changed Jonathan’s life when they were apart. Was he more considerate of his sister? Did he think more about the sarcastic things he said? Did he let people or music or anything sink in deeper, touch him, instead saying things that confused people and turned them away? In the end I couldn’t help but wonder if Clair ended up with the same man from the beginning of the story. I would have loved to read more of the transition in Jonathon. I’ve been in a dark place and I understand his withdrawal and a bit of where he was coming from, and I know that change comes from wanting to be different, and that you have to practice acting different. Especially when you’re uncomfortable, you will want to revert back to old habits without thinking. I’d love to hear how he was able to communicate with Clair without it being about Lucy and how they came together.

Overall, good job! Great story! Please ask me to review more of your work!!
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