First off, I just want to say that I was really surprised by your poem. I was expecting a brighter, happier poem. When I read the title and description, I thought it would be about someone holding on because of their will to live. Even though that seems to be the opposite of the message conveyed in your poem, I really did enjoy it. And that is why your poem surprised by your poem. Though, it was a wonderful surprise.
First correction, you do not need to capitalize the word "sin" in the 6th line.
Secondly, when talking about numerous gods, and not God, you do not capitalize the "g" as you did in the 7th, 11th, and 17th line.
You need a space between the words "And" & "bring" in the 16th line.
From what I saw, there was only one weak sentence in this poem. The sentence isn't a poor one, it just is one that sort of weakens your poem. It is the 4th line. Again, it is not bad; it just seems a bit long and a little forced. It just doesn't quite fit the flow of your poem. You could consider taking out a word, or exchanging a different word to help shorten the line and make it fit better.
Aside from those small things, this poem was nicely done. It flows wells, is well-written, and has a very meaningful ending.
I must say, I have done a good number of madlibs and few of them ever turn out. What was nice about this one is that is was short and sweet. Well, not so much sweet as funny, but you know what I mean. The point is...it actually worked out! Well done. I really enjoyed this one. It was very cleverly-written. Is cleverly a word? Oh no matter, it is now. Anyway, you did a fine job writing this madlib. The way you spoofed Harry Potter was well...magical!
My rating may change as I read more of your work, but for now it shall remain as I have only read the first excerpt of the story, 11:37-11:45pm.
I understand this is the beginning and that more is to be revealed later. A good amount happens in this short amount of time. It seems real and feels real, but it is not easy to imagine. You tell more than you describe. The only thing I would suggest is using more detail and illustrating what is happening with your words, instead of just saying what is happening.
Other than that, you are off to a good start. Below are some of the errors I caught in this part of the story.
2nd Paragraph The first flight landed and she was approached with a silver door, marked “Floor One”.
***The period (or punctuation) goes inside the quotation mark.
4th Paragraph The artist had seen many of these shows, where the person thinks they hear something and it turns out that their just a lunatic.
***Should be they're.
She soon speeded past the yellow door marked, “Floor Two” and was quickly up and taken off on flight three.
***Speeded is not a word. Use sped. The comma is not necessary.
5th Paragraph The artist reached the purple door marked “Floor Three”.
***The period (or punctuation) goes inside the quotation mark.
And she stopped, pulled forward the handle.
***Should probably be Then. And you need to put the word and between stopped and pulled. A comma is optional.
The artist leaped through that purple door, running through the cement hallways.
***I'm not sure, but I think you should use the word lept instead.
Just hoping to get to that door marked “322”
***You just forgot the period at the end of this sentence. Remember, it goes inside the quotation mark.
6th Paragraph The artist practically ripped open her bag, pulled out the keys.
***Need the word and between bag and pulled. Comma is optional.
She went with a silver one, turned it.
***Need and in this sentence too, after one. Comma is optional.
Opened the wooden door, and snapped it shut.
***Need someone to do the action. Put She before opened. The comma is optional.
7th Paragraph She walked up the latter to her room.
***It is spelled ladder.
Her breathing which had gotten heavy on the trip up to her studio, was now returning to normal.
***Need a comma between breathing and which.
That's all I found for now. I will be sure to read the next section of your story and see if I can help you with any part of that as well.
The story sounds good so far, it just has little mistakes here and there. Nothing that can't be fixed, though. I look forward to reading the rest.
I really enjoyed this poem and the wording you used within it. This poem shows that sometimes simplicity can be a better and truly expressive route.
Here is my favorite part of this poem:
I look into the deep blue sea
the deep blue sea of your eyes
you take my hand and hold on to me
as we fly away into the sky
Though the words don't go too far into detail, there is enough information given to imagine looking into gorgeous, deep-blue eyes. This verse paints a very nice picture!
My only suggestion: It might just be me, but perhaps there would be a better word to use in place of conscience. I just think it sounds a little abrupt at the end, but altogether, the poem is well-written.
While this is a good start for a poem, there are some parts of this item that have room for improvement.
First of all, one of the genres listed for this item is Emotional. While love can be an emotional thing, you can't just say the word love in a poem to make it convey true emotion.
My first suggestion to help make this poem express more emotion would be to explore different words and different phrases to take the place of the word love.
For instance, instead of repeating the word love four times, you could use words such as: infatuated, hopelessly taken, head over heels, smitten, etc.
A variety of words makes a poem more interesting to read, and the more vibrant the words are within your poem, the more intriguing your poem will be.
Another area in need of attention is your rhyming pattern. Unfortunately, it is not consistent and neither is the amount of syllables in each line.
While rhyming is not necessary for poems, if you feel more comfortable making this poem rhyme, I would try to use a very simple pattern at firt. Maybe try 4 lines in each stanza, using ABAB, perhaps? Start small and then work your way up if need be.
Other than that, the message and concept behind your poem is a classic and is something that has true potential. I hope my suggestions help, and I wish you the best of luck.
To me this is just a good start for a story, but seeing how it's supposed to be really short for a contest, I decided to cut you some slack. LOL.
Anyway, even with so few words, you still set a good mood and tone that interests the reader. You also manage to give the reader some small detailng about what your main character is like: ...of what used to be a vibrant lively soul. Too bad there's only 55 words!
You also include a simply lovely ending: Burial may be Friday but she's flying free today.
That concluding sentence really touched me, but I still gound a small grammatical error. Sorry!
There should be a comma after Friday (because the word "but" connects another complete thought).
The thing I like most about this super-short story is that you realize the importance of good wording. The words and phrasing you use really made a difference, and are what make this item a good, but quick, read.
Thanks for sharing!
Health,Happiness &Hope, ~Shakin Aiken
P.S.~ Hmmm...perhaps you should consider someday making this into a more developed (and longer) story.
This was definitely an interesting read. First off, you use good vocabulary and wording. You also make this story pretty realistic, despite the fact that Orcs don't exist. And if they did exist, I doubt they would feel the same as Eqore, but nevermind that. LOL.
There are some areas that need more attention as far as punctuation goes, but other than that, this story is well written. To further advance this item, you could add more description and explain the different cultures of the Orcs and the Horsemen.
If you find you are at a loss to fixing the punctuation, feel free to contact me for help.
I think this new addition to Writing.Com is a wonderful idea. I think the review mixer is a truly clever way to encourage reviewing a variety of items and authors. This site and its members never cease to amaze me with great ideas and originality.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, but there are a few suggestions I have to perhaps help you improve this poem.
1st) As far as grammatical errors, certain parts aren't capitalized and the punctuation isn't consistent. I would recommend using the proper punctuation in this poem, and also, you should probably go through and fix the capitalization.
2nd) The rhyming scheme begins in the middle and continues to the end. While the rhyming scheme is quite nice, it should start at the beginning. Maybe you could change the first few lines so they fit the wonderful rhyming pattern you have in the rest of the poem.
3rd) I would suggest that you punctuate the brief description. As I told another writer, a properly punctuated description is more likely to attract more readers.
Overall Impression: There are a few inconsistent things within this poem, but other than that, it is well-written and is a good read.
Hello! I found this poem to be very entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much.
The only thing that, in my opinion, keeps it from earning a full 5.0 rating is clarity. This poem flows well, and for that expense a line or two seem a bit forced. Other than that, this poem moves with great rythm and doesn't lose a beat.
Overall Impression: A couple lines should be looked over for a little tweaking. Other than that, this poem flows well and shows off some lovely wording.
Even though I usually don't like the layout of poems that have like only two words in each line, that layout works incredibly well for this poem.
The mood of the poem is very intriguing and draws the reader in. You use good wording and although the flow is somewhat jerky in parts, it fits the style of this poem well.
This poem was very enjoyable. I also liked how you opted to not use complete punctuation for this poem. That would usually not be a wise choice for most poems, but with this one, guess what? -It works!
The only thing I didn't like was the brief description. It didn't really make all that much sense after I read your poem. This poem seems worthy of a more thoughtful description to draw more in to read it.
*yellow* Overall Impression: Great wording, layout, style and more! Very enjoyable and needs little revision. Nicely done!
I just wanted to let you know how truly wonderful I think this item is. It's a great way for authors to seek and satisfy their need to find a good read. Trust me, it definitely has helped me find some terrific reading material. Also, besides helping readers, this item also brightens up the day for writers whose items you have included as one of your favorite. For example, it really brightened my spirits to see my madlib included as one of your reccomendations. Thanks so much for this item and all the time you put into it. May you and this item continue touching reader, writers, and members here at Writing.Com.
God Bless,
~Becky
Great idea! And don't worry, I am not counting this as one of the items I reviewed for this contest. LOL. I already entered once, and I'm glad I did. I found some really interesting and inspiring items to read, and what's more, I was able to make the authors of those items feel good.
In fact, now I feel great. It is truly an amazing feeling when you let another writer know how much you enjoy their work.
Thanks for creating this item, without it, I probably wouldn't have stumbled across some of the best items that I've ever found here on Writing.Com.
So, good luck & God Bless,
~Lilfoxy14
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First correction, you do not need to capitalize the word "sin" in the 6th line. 
For instance, instead of repeating the word love four times, you could use words such as: infatuated, hopelessly taken, head over heels, smitten, etc.