Immediately I was drawn into the action and scene where Louise was. I was wondering what was to become of the main character after I found out the loan shark was dead. She seemed relieved that he was dead, not frightened of the consequences of killing a man, which confused me. Also, when she took the doorstop and his wallet, I felt like she was kicking him while he was down, if you catch my drift. It seemed risky to do that.
I was wondering, seven years later, how she hadn't been caught. If she was bleeding, wouldn't there have been blood spatter? People can clean up their mess, but there's usually something they miss, and experts are there to find things like fibres or blood.
I thought it ended abruptly. I read the last line and everything fell into place, ironically and humorously.
Another thought I had was Louise's feelings towards this murder. I agree that it would seem like a lifetime, but wouldn't she have felt some remorse of fear?
Altogether, it was a good read and entertaining. It really draws you into the action.
This is a sweet poem, I enjoyed it. There is a sentimental value to it, especially in the first stanza, that adds to the overall emotion.
Errors/Suggestions Remember these are only my suggestions, for you to consider or not.
- I didn't see any spelling errors, but this one word was iffy: queue. Did you perhaps mean que?
- One the second line of the first stanza, there should be a comma after up.
- The second and fourth lines in the second stanza are rather long, and they make it a little rougher to read. Try shortening them if you can.
- You might want to try putting punctuation at the end of each line.
I enjoyed reading this. The characters seemed a little more evolved than how JK Rowling describes them, but they're appropriate for this scene.
The writing was very mature and descriptive. You had good use of adjectives.
At some points, I had to reread certain parts because it was confusing as to who was speaking. Other than that, I had no troubles.
Adding the song in gave it a nice touch, but I'm not exactly sure it was needed. I do see, however, that it helped you get the title. Try using some WritingML to italicise it or center it, perhaps. If you do not know how to use WritingML, just email and I will try to explain.
Remember these are just my suggestions for you to take into consideration or not.
This is a very touching story. I had a friend who always told everyone to have a good day because he always felt that sometime someone would need to hear those words, and he would be there to say them. It just reminds you that today is what you should be concentrating on. There's no guarantee there'll be a tomorrow.
A few things to take into consideration:
- "That is buetiful! I'll take it."
beautiful
-"She has a rough life."
had - has is present tense and the rest of the story is written in past tense.
-"suddenly with a softer..."
suddenly needs to be capitalized
-"using; she"
just a comma is needed
-"ammount"
amount
-"deffinatly"
definitely
-"tomorow"
tomorrow
- try putting double spaces between each paragraph, or indent each. It just helps to make it easier to read.
This sounds very interesting so far, too bad it's so short right now. However, it could be a better read if you added in more detail and description. You've introduced the characters and the main plot, but the scene description is completely left out, and the reader is left to imagine what everyone looks like.
The speech patterns of the characters are somewhat stiff. It sounds like they are reading off a script. I don't know if this is intended or not.
It has potential. With a little bit of polishing, it could be better. If you want, I can change my rating after you have edited it somewhat, so the rating does not appear lower than it deserves.
I know this was a sad poem, but I couldn't really connect with the character and connect with the way he/she felt. I can see how the title goes with the poem, tho.
There were a few typing errors. Folk should be folks. Wasnt is spelt wasn't (was not). "Crying your name and to come/and take the pain away" would sound better if you replaced the first "and" with a comma; or do it like this: "Crying your name/come take the pain away" or however you see fit.
Regards,
GreenWater
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