Overall, a good piece. There seems to be a lot of things going on in the story in just this short opening to the story.
Man and pregnant wife traveling through some harsh conditions gives hits at Joseph/Mary story. The Phoenix brings in the mythological elements. The mention of a "sickness" driving people out of the city gives it a post-apocalypse feel too. Given the brevity of the piece, I'm not sure I know where you are heading, but you have some very weighty imagery to uphold.
One minor little thing: The wife stops the travel because she is sure the baby is coming right then. As she is crawling under the tree on the bird feathers she says something like "let's see if my son is ready to be born." This sounds somewhat inconsistent since she was so sure it was time earlier.
I'm not a librarian and I want answers! This is a really good piece of work; it drew me in immediately. I wanted to know more about Jackson and the narrator. I also wanted to know who was starting to put the pieces together to identify the speaker as the common thread in multiple murders.
Overall, there are a few spots where the writing could be tightened up just a little. The 3rd paragraph for example: eliminate "You see," and "I think." Stating "He was my fault" is more powerful; no room for doubt.
Nice piece of work; you say so much in so few words! I get a real sense of Roberta's desperation; words like "trudged" and "timid" help set up her plight nicely.
This would be a great opener for a longer story and it is still wide open for you to take it any direction you wanted: twisted vampire story, a flip to the old lady in the theater and her life in some heyday of performance art, etc.
My only true criticism is that Roberta's thought about being "sold" to the "slave trade" seems somewhat misplaced to me. There doesn't seem to be a context for it (yet). I guess that wouldn't be my first thought when an old lady tells me to open a coffin (my mind went to vampires or a Poe-esque horror story).
Good story! I like the overall theme of making your own wishes come true by taking chances and standing up for yourself. I also like the use of names like Sapphire and Lapis to stay connected to the color blue. The flow was good and it had a nice pace to it.
It was hard for me to get a sense of Princess Sapphire's age. I first thought she was perhaps 12 years old or younger, but then finding out she is old enough to have suitors was somewhat unexpected. That also changed my perception of the other characters in the story as they were supposed to be similar in age to the princess.
I would also suggest playing around with the list of things the princess has in the open couple of paragraphs. Perhaps move the list to the first meeting with the Blue Fairy or right after their first meeting. Having the princess consider her material possessions could be more powerful if presented as part of her thought process for her wishes.
A couple of general comments, watch for filler words like "so" and "that". Also the title is suggestive of a series of fairy tale books by Andrew Lang (The Blue Fairy Book, The Red Fairy Book, etc.).
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marble276
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.19 seconds at 12:01am on Jul 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
