Hi Nixie-Life goes on
I enjoyed your story and I can see why it was put forward for an award.
It's well written Nixie, but more importantly, it brings out sweet hope in a time of loss. As if someone would ask a survivor 'What might happen to make you feel better; not so alone?'
The positive premise is refreshing. I know people who would visualize Valery as old and toothless.(: The feeling of being compelled to meet her is uplifting.
Thanks for sharing.
MJJ
Hi Keaton
What a cover-up. I'll never know why she protects him, but she seems to think it's okay. Or perhaps the speaker is male?
Although you dropped one word somewhere in there you've used strong effective words, repeating for emphasis. at least that's what I think.
Well written.
Interesting call on fate or a superior power. If the speaker is a bird, I wonder if it blames Mother Nature.
Have fun and keep writing.
MJJ
Charlie
What a great way to vent on this subject.
I've been the target of people who just are so ignorant that they won't accept my apologies((:)
Seriously though, you made me laugh.
Next time I receive an insincere apology I'll think of you.
Keep writing and keep venting.
MJJ
|TJ Marie
I found this 'love conquers all' story unique in its subject matter. Great for the imagination.
Unfortunately, there are many places where an edit was needed.
I saw 4 places where words were missing.2 with the incorrect word. Poor grammar in Para 15 and the last para, 1 case of duplicate phrases close together, and 1 sentence which made no sense to me. Who knows what else since this was a quick job.
The punctuation needs a double edit I think. Phrases within sentences are not encased in commas, and there are many places where you might have reworded or made two sentences.
Logical progression kept me reading. It's a saving grace.
I like it but in future I suggest you find a good editor before you expose your work.
I'm available....
Keep writing, I see talent here.
MJJ
Elisa
A fun poem.
I laughed at your appreciation of the first colors morphing into the final product.
Thanks for the light moment.
Maybe it's deeper. Maybe it's life. If so it's still a fun poem; with wisdom attached.
Keep working and giving pleasure.
MJJ
N.M.Barnes
Sorry - I didn't find much in it.
My reaction- boy this author loves the letter C
the baby's breathing is getting progressively worse
do something, quick
what a depression thought
no matter how I turn it I see only the dark
MJJ
Jeff
Interesting story. Not my usual genre but it gives me pause.
On the surface it's pretty clear - be careful what you wish for. The goal is clearly stated and the tension builds.I'm wondering what message you're going for- if any.
I'm going to give it my personal, rather convoluted interpretation.- unattainable goals waste your time and can lead to disaster.
Or- like any obsession -one is ruined for anything else - like a balanced view of the world or even the insight that a saner world exists.
Or- one ought not follow their dream.
It was fun. Keep working on your craft- your offbeat direction may lead others to think.
MJJ
T.Wrage
Great piece.
In the area of editing I have little to contribute. Your development/logical progression is quality. Comma placement is choice for me; yours works. The only thing I might suggest is to change 'doorway' to 'door' in the last line of the first para. If it's a question of your rhythm, then leave it,
Content is exceptional. I'm in the habit of signing off to friends with 'Be good to yourself.' You would lose the honor of that.
The twist - oh what a twist.
I regret having to tell you that if you can offer such an example of unbalance, then you are balanced.
Keep writing.
MJJ
Carly
I found this fluff piece leaving me with a mood of 'cute'.
Grammar is really bad; sentence structure, verb tenses, punctuation are all in need of an edit.
In it's favor, I found no inconsistencies, plot holes, or logical progression problems.
The story did not give me the pleasure I was hoping for.
As always, please take my comments as constructive criticism, and suggestions for improvement. Of course this is only one opinion.
Keep writing, it gets better.
MJJ
To dragonline.
Nicely put.
In reading this I think of breaking from past dogma. Societal change is slow, and the long-time focus has been, as you say: we spend time
trying to find value through personal relationships and feel demoralized when we don’t receive love, recognition, or acceptance from the very people we deem important to our existence.
Today I see real evidence of a trend toward self-realization; welcomed and encouraged by myself at least. I see the depth of misery being lifted for neglected seniors, and children taught about self-worth and values which can only improve humanity.
New perception of our worth - is what I see.
MJJ
Very nice Andy.
Well said- and oh so true.
Einstein said it 'If you can't say it simply, you haven't thought about it enough'.
You said it all, so simply.
Your talent shows through with some wisdom too. Encouragement for all of us who need to express ourselves.
MJJ
I like this Edword. I am taken right along with the music, the changing cadence of the rain and the beauty of her movements.
So, who is 'he'? And for that matter who is she? And what's in the parcels?
I want more. Will there be more? Or are those questions there just to make it a mystery?
MJJ
Hi Cole
I like your poem. For me it denotes an opening of the mind and awareness of surroundings, seen and felt. Also, a moment of personal growth at the end.
I think there is a tense issue in the second last verse. 'Then she fastened her seatbelt- as the whispers of life blow past her ears.' Should be 'as the whispers of life blew past her ears.
Any reply from you about some subtlety I'm missing would be appreciated. Please review the review, if you know what I mean.
Take what you like of this and toss the rest - comments are only suggestions.
MJJ
Hi Krystal
I found your poem very overstated. It screams because of the format and repetition. The structure is fierce and overshadows your message. I'm feeling it is caught between emotion and analytic thinking. Too much repetition weakens the strength of the main point.Perhaps the words, which are quite good, lack depth in in their focus.
The potential is there Krystal, Keep working and growing in your expression of the emotional.
MJJ
Interesting poem teach.
I've spent some time thinking of much of the content. I see we approach things differently, which presents the opportunity to work out the 'why' and 'how'. One of my favorite pastimes.
The last line threw me though. For the life of me I can't relate to it.
Overall it's been a positive experience.
MJJ
This is the age of tolerance? Stereotypes still abound and we struggle with the weight of other's opinions - biased as they are. Sometimes the prejudice is in the mind - only imagined, and we always have to ask the questions you do. This is the age of self-realization, conforming should not be necessary.
Each find strength somewhere and it looks like you found yours.
Good words.
MJJ
Another moving work; or should I say pleasure?
I don't know where you find the words but I wish to steal them from you.
Interesting that you explore the things I'm thinking about.
This one is about so much more than nature alone. The emotions you have woven through are moving in the extreme.
Hoping to see more of your work.
I'll keep taking baby-steps in mine.
MJJ
This is wonderful. I find it left me with 'the nature of nature' profound. It gets me thinking of the difference between looking 'at' and looking forward and back. Nature has so much history and we have a perception of it going on forever. Negating that outside of the nature you see makes me wonder about the quality of mixing with others.
There likely is more in there and I will be reading it to see if I can find it.
A beautiful poem of drama. The mystery I found there will give me many hours of thought. You have a power with words which opens wounds yet leaves one with hope. If I were to edit 'alone with thoughts' the only change I would suggest would be to capitalize the title.
I love your stuff.
MJJ
A well written tale of conspiracy. Characters believable, no meandering from the story line. I like your style and will make a point of following your work. Thanks for the quality entertainment.
Mary
Yellow School Buses
A sweet wonder through the years all tied together with Yellow School Buses.
Nostalgia is always a great subject and this is so here.
The style is not my preference but it is for many poetry buffs.
Contests have a way of getting us going - I've done few too, and contests encourage budding poets.
I for one am glad you wrote this down, and I hope you have many more poems to share.
MaryJJ
I enjoyed 'Elsewhere'.
The deep sense of character caught me up. Or should I say non-character?
This has the tone of a piece I would like to write.
Have you written anything else? I'd like to follow your work.
The only issue I might have would be the need for very few editing spots.
The review indicates a dramatic story, the field I'm interested in.
Subject matter such that I would like to see the development of the story, both for technique and pleasure.
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