The way you wrote about robotic parts in the opening paragraphs instantly grabbed my attention. The way they are made of different parts, etc.and how you had lost a piece (your father). I think this is a great analogy. The way you wrote about your father's passing ("attacked by his heart and lost", love that right there) was tender and naked. I could feel real sadness through your word choice. Being the "man" in the household is something I can attest to, I have been left home while my dad went away, and truly, it is a scary responsibility. You were honest about the way you felt when your father passed, and that takes heart, even on paper. In the end, revealing your current age, and how you have dealt with the bad feelings is a great ending point. The only thing I would shorten or remove is the second list of negative side-effects, (rage, impotence, etc.) I think shortening it would be better than the direct repetition. Lastly, your words about the seed are striking, and completely true. I really enjoyed this story, it has heart, and uses interesting analogies throughout.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mastadonofdoom
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.31 seconds at 6:58pm on Sep 20, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
