You may not have won, but this poem really appeals to me. It's kinda cool to read work that, with the same given words, went into a completely different direction from my own. I like how you made it seem lively and optimistic, even when it's kinda not. One has to do to succeed. Maybe I can relate to it so much cuz I suck at that too. In any case, good read. Thanks!
"I know of it and will always do,
Even when I deny so;"
it's better to change will always do to always will, and the deny so should really be deny it so.
"Even when the green blood of jealousy
Runs through my veins;"
might be better as even with the green blood of jealousy running through my veins. Although I'm not convinced about those 2 lines altogether.
There are a few more things that are a little off, but I don't want to nitpick all the way through your poem. I do however want to add that the choice of your description doesn't fit your poem. It's more about trying to be in someone's life even where you're not.It can't be about laying claim to anything by the way it's written.
A few things... 'failed to' might be better leaving the 'to' out. 'which is best' is enough, the 'the' can be left out. it should be 'look up to the sky'. Maybe ditch simultaneously. If you go with 'God, perhaps' there should be another comma following perhaps (God, perhaps, ...). 'had decided not not having...' Take out one 'not'. My suggestion would be leaving it out in the I had decided line. But reading that back, there's an error in that bit alltogether. 'for long' feels off because of the way it's written, it's not linked to the meaning of a long time, but the absence of time.
"I had decided not
Not having a favorite color"
would make more sense like
"I've never had
a favorite color"
or something along those lines. Tinker around with it a bit. There's promise in this poem, but it needs work.
I would ditch the word 'hence'. it doesn't really add much. 'beyond that smile' might be better as 'behind that smile'. Beyond implicates you already know part of it. The first stanza feels a little off to me somehow, though I can't really put my finger on why. The same goes for the 3rd one. But this might very well be related to the styles we write in. It's a poem I read but not feel anything by. I don't know if that was its intent though. Either way, it's not bad, but there's room for growth. Keep on writing ! ^^
oh I really like this one ! The flow is good, the rhyme is good, I usually find errors in poetry rather quickly if there's something wrong with it, but with this one *shakes head*.. Well done ! ^-^
I can't help stumble a bit on the lines. I felt forced to read it like a rap to feel the flow of the poem, but by doing so I missed half of the message you tried to convey. I do have to admit I'm slightly jealous of you knowing way more words than me, or well, I know them, but they don't come to mind xD. Potatoe potato. I feel a lot of sentences can be way shorter if you left out the filling that's kind of unnecessary. Like
"I have a long ways to go, and many people to meet
Before I lay my body down and close my eyes to sleep
As I keep the negativity safely at bay
I will reap the benefits of optimism for it is here to stay"
Could also be like
"I have a long ways to go, many people to meet
Before I lay my body down and falling asleep
As I keep the negativity safely at bay
reap the benefits of optimism that's here to stay"
My point is there are a lot of words in your poem that don't really add anything to the story. However, this is something you'll grow into by writing on and on. All in all I do consider this a pretty decent poem, What you could try to do though is break it up into stanzas of 4 or 8 lines long and leave a blank space in between. Because the sentences are so long it looks like a massive blur of words. breaking it into pieces will elminate that issue. All up to you though of course ^^. Keep on writing !
Though it's not my preferred style of poem, it does really appeal to me cuz I suffer from that stupid writer's block too. In fact, this afternoon I tried to write a poem about it, but I couldn't even get beyond the title, so kudos for you for being able to write about it even when stuck !
Well, I should mention the past tense of feed is fed, and bleed is bled. I'm the nitpicking kind of person maybe to notice it but ok. Also, know and bow both end on "ow", but they are pronounced in different ways. Consider finding another word or phrase.
The first stanza was confusing to me, and I had to read it twice to understand it. It could use a little work there.
About your and you're. In the last sentence "or your making this about you?"
In a question the 'are', as part of you are (or you're), ALWAYS comes before you (might be exceptions but have never come across any). Like "Are you ok?" "How are you feeling? "Where are you?" and therefore it should be "or are you making this about you?"
Usually, 'your' is used prior to nouns, like "is this your car?" "I wish I knew people like your sister.", where the are in you're is a verb.
So ! The conclusion right? Well, it needs a little work here 'n there. I'm guessing (by your name) you're not english, so I won't hold any grammar mistakes against you, keep writing and you'll get better at it really. It's how I've learned.
I don't know how many poems you have written so far,
It reminds me a bit of the first poems I wrote way back when. It's not a great piece, but you should definately keep writing more.
oh this is very very nice ! One little comment though if I may...
"Rekindle the flame to burn like a raging fire.
Warming my body beyond its wanting desires."
This bit feels off. My problem lies in the words "raging". It might just be that one word that throws the second line off course aswel.. But other than that, thumbs up.
It's inspirational to me. I suffer from a writer's block aswell so the first stanzas are like "YEAH DAMNIT".
However ! .... yes, there is a however... When reading further, I don't feel this should've been a poem. What you basically did is put proza in a poetic form. It could work as a poem, but you would pretty much have to rewrite the entire thing.
In my personal opinion the poem is too long. The first stanzas were like "oh hey, this is pretty neat," but as it went on I lost interest.
Also, the duel thing seems like it's put in just to have a rhyme for fuel. It doesn't really have much to do with the rest of the poem.
In the 5th stanza you might want to fiddle around a bit. The word "sole" damages the rhythym and flow of it a teeny tiny bit, but just enough to notice.
The last 3 stanzas feel a little off to me. It's kind of like the subject changes from man versus bird to ... well... bird. I would've probably cut those last 3 stanzas out of the poem, and end the piece on let the wind be my sole guide. That way, after describing the stand-off in favor of birds, you add a personal opinion to it which pretty much completes the poem.
The last stanza suddenly changes in rhyme schematics. It kinda put me off .
But in all in all it's a very decent poem, it just needs some tinkering. :)
Man, I've read this post and it's truly a pleasure to read. And also, from reading this one poem I have learned so much already about my own writing, so I wanted to make a reply to thank you for that. So, thank you.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/miwli
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 10:08pm on Jul 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
