I'm going to skip all the "This is wonderful!" because I'm sure you've received a literal 100 of those.
This is amazing, professional, masterly crafted. Congratulations on being amazing.
Now on to my ignorant attempts at meaningful reviewing.
Improvement
------------------
o "Though earthly form still on the ground," for some reason, does not seem to fit the rest of the lines. Perhaps (and this is my horrible attempt at half a minute of effort) "Though my earthly form still on ground,"? It would still transition decently with the next line.
o This one is -purely- opinion. "It hides from that I cannot see," works well with "what" instead of "that". I'm honestly nitpicking, since I can't find anything meaningful wrong with the poem.
What I Liked
-----------------
o Everything. This is professional level writing.
o Line 3 of stanza 1 made my inner writer squeal with the clever use of the comma.
Improvement
------------------
o Absolutely nothing can be improved for this piece, from what I see. However, I personally like poems that make me think about something I never have before. Perhaps you should gear your poems to give such an effect? Regardless, I enjoyed this poem thoroughly.
What I Liked
-----------------
o Your limitation. Although you deviated a bit from it, alliterations are hard to maintain throughout an entire poem.
o Your imagery. It's very nice. I want to read a poem you wrote freely, to see your unbound imagery.
Improvement
------------------
o The third line could become more of an alliteration. "Where shadows spiral silently and softly sing of a past sadness", or something of the like. Spiraling is usually seen as downwards, anyways, so you wouldn't need that to emphasize.
o And I don't see any alliteration in the last line! Although the limitation is optional and I do not rate off of that, it was a bit disheartening.
Overall, it is very nicely written. I think I'll try to write a poem like this, some day!
What I Liked
-----------------
o I love the fifth line. Very much.
o I just like the entire poem's feel! It's not as heavy as others, but it still portrays the feeling you are trying to evoke wonderfully.
Improvement
------------------
o Typo! Last line, "control".
o The font is a bit heavy for my tastes, but it's not too distracting.
A few suggestions:
You could have been a LOT more intense with those examples.
There are quizzes called...
"How cool are you?"
"How long will you survive a zombie outbreak?"
And there are definitely a lot more internet-speaks you could have put.
(P.S. The new "lol" is "lulz". All the smart, handsome, and incredibly intelligent guys who love making friends use it. Keep your guide updated!)
This could be expanded in a myriad of ways, although the simplicity of it all really strikes me. As they say, it's best to try to express yourself in as little words as possible, and you've definitely done that.
Structure: It is very well written, the format is great.
Meaning: It is different from the bitter "I loved you, now I hate you" that is popular nowadays. Optimism is a welcome change. And due to the lack of pointless words, the meaning is very clear, but put in a clever way.
As for an improvement, I just have general advice. This is a great sentence and is beautiful, but it does not force me to think about something I had not thought about before. If you can manage to do that with one sentence your work will be as close to perfect as it ever could be.
Overall, it is elegant in it's form and is a new thought on past love.
Ah, the flow is much better now! My reading was not disrupted this time around. Absolutely wonderful.
Some small, optional things you may or may not do depending on your style:
o Capitalize only the beginning of sentences. I received this advice from someone once and it resonated with me.
o Your natural rhythm is very close to perfect, and you could easily convert this to 5 syllable lines. If not that, you could have matching syllables for every two lines.
Aside from those two suggestions, I cannot think of anything else to improve upon the writing!
Continue writing.
What I Liked
-----------------
o Your poem was very passionate and did a perfect job in evoking my emotions. I felt that I or a close friend had lived through the experience after reading.
o Your formatting is great and your rhyming is not forced.
Improvement
------------------
o Although I see what you're doing with the 2nd and 4th stanza, it would work a bit better if you slightly altered the 4th.
Repetition, to me, only gives it's full effect if you can manage to keep it repeating three or more times.
What I Liked
-----------------
o The rhythm was nice, and the use of sounds makes it seem more like a lyrical piece than poetry.
o None of the words seem forced.
Improvements
--------------------
o Some lines are capitalized in the middle of a sentence, while others are not. It distracts from the actual content, a small amount.
What I Liked
-----------------
o The rhythm of the piece was great!
o It's very well structured. Starting positive and ending negative was a wise decision for this. Your introduction (particularly the first line!) was absolutely captivating.
Little Fixings
------------------
A few little grammar/spelling problems.
"Only god can choose, she _can't_ think straight."
"A perfect girl, with _a lot_ to give."
"So outspoken, she gets her heartbroken." <-- I don't know what to do with that, but as it is it can either be "She gets her heart broken" or "She is heartbroken"
Transitions are always the toughest!
What I Liked:
o You weren't ashamed to incorporate dialogue, and it worked wonders.
o The story was great. It was a light read but it did what it was meant to do very well.
o Your great use of rhyming. It doesn't sound forced in the slightest.
What Could Be Improved:
o The ending is good, although for some reason it feels lacking.
o Perhaps an extension of the poem? I honestly cannot think of anything that really should be -improved-.
Final Thoughts:
It was absolutely wonderful. Please, continue writing.
What I Liked:
o The introduction. It was clever and it definitely kept me reading.
o I managed to connect to a few of the thoughts you mentioned!
What Could Improve:
o Formatting. Go nuts with this! Make it look pretty and readable, although it's fine as it is.
o And a few little grammar/spelling problems:
"let it out, cause if you don't, you'll go nuts, slowly and painfully." <- stick a period in there to cut it in half. It's very long.
"D ... no god damnit don't do it. Da ... no god damnit think of your vulnerable head." <- You repeated "no god damnit". If that was intentional, then ignore this, but something different will keep the reader entertained.
Final Thoughts:
Now that I think about it, I really do love the third paragraph. Keep on writing!
Things I Liked:
o The idea of it is surprisingly new for me, especially in the direction you took it.
o You have absolutely wonderful rhythm! It's wonderful.
Things to Improve:
o "But some days I _can't..._ or I _won't_" those two little mistakes.
Final Thoughts:
It was fresh and original and I like it. Please continue writing!
Just a few corrections!
"out, pain and _sorrow_ are all that".
"and a pain that _won't_ die."
"But now _they're_ gone, they"
"was see a smile upon her _children's_ face."
Also, repetition of words:
"A life full of pain she has..."
"Many years of pain have left..."
"She feels the pain as her heart..."
etc. Might want to replace a few of those with fresh words.
- Good writing, though! Spacing might make it easier to read, however.
Things I Liked:
o Lines 6-7 matched well and added to the rhythm.
o The Gone repetition was done very well and didn't intrude into the flow of the passage.
What Could Be Improved:
o Line 8. It's sort of just there and doesn't prescribe to the previous pattern or the pattern after it.
Final Thoughts:
That was one of the saddest passages I have ever read. I really love this one and I look forward to reading your other works.
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