when i began reading it i thought it was just another poem but then something caught my attention and it all made sense. i really liked how not only are they contradictions but they hold emotion. thank you for giving me a chill and understanding. sherry
Sometimes we are prosoners in our own minds. This peom has a lot going on and I was able to follow it the whole way. Even at the very end when the end had a twist. Well written! sherry
This was a neat read. I thought it was just a story but then I got interested in the idea and then it turned into a poem of sorts. I was surprised as to how it flowed. Thanks for writing on a hot topic in a rational way. sherry
I really relate to this poem. I've been there myself and I'm glad I'm free too. Nice to see a writer like myself I who can put into words, poetically, how they feel. -sherry
Really nice work. The story begins well and sets the atmosphere perfectly for what is to come. As the reader I love stories that really bring me to another world and this did, easily. I thought the way you described the setting and characters was very accurate for the story and we were able to associate with them completely. The build up of suspense at the very end left the reader wanting more. Great start!
Its Petal not Peddle. And WOW. Nice work. There are a few sentences that I had to reread in order to understand them fully. Just go back and add some comma's where you want a pause in the (almost) run on sentences. "I mastered my plan when the smell of freesia filled my senses and the breeze faded." This is one example I found confusing. I understand the idea you are trying to get across but it doesnt come out clearly. I was compelled the whole way through, well done. -sherry
First paragraph the string is attached, not attacked, to the pop gun. Thats the only thing I saw though. This is really cute. I think it would be good for advanced kids. There are good words they could learn and its easy to follow.
There is so much going on in this piece that it left me confused. Surely you will be adding on to it but first lets try to clarify what is here.
Try not to change your writing perspective. You speak for the character then a pregnant person walks across the room. I thought it was someone else. Just reword this part.
Elaborate more on who/what the shapes/intruders are. Be more specific as to who is doing what.
Just reread pretending you are someone else. (not easy to do) Maybe try breaking up the piece to make it more readable.
Its a good outline but a little slow for the type of power it holds. Even in a short story like this you can pack in more information. I like the sound of the gun, it gives the reader an idea of what is going on without actually giving it away. But maybe you could get more information about the boy inbetween to add to the suspence. good start
Another vivid painting drawn upon the page. Some of the words were above my head (I need to go back to college vocabulary!) but I understood it for the most part. Bringing to life a storm in the desert (or somewhere like Ca -so it seemed) where all the animals came for the show was neat. I really like the way you play with words and tell a story that makes us use our imagination. Thanks again for the trip -sherry
Wow. This poem brings the reader into the past with the buffalo then it all melts with story telling and writing. The words send you back and forth from the present to the past, from the field to the artist. The beauty of how things were done back then is shown by the respect in using the whole animal in a spiritual way. It made me slow down and think about it. Really beautiful.
This convesation is great. Now we need to meet the other sister. There are so many directions this can go, I would like to see more. Really great idea.
This is as a short story should be. I always have such a hard time finding an ending. You have an ending. Sad but true, you took me into a perfect world and ended it. I had such a feeling of euphoria, like Ben was a little child, yet an adult. Your character description was great as was the scenery. The only thing I can point out is in the sixth paragraph you say he scarcely ignored the tempatation to flip, so did he or not? I know from having friends edit my work, they say I need to read it from someone else's perspective. I know what I mean when I write down the words but sometimes I am the only one. My tip; read, re-read and re-read again, pretending you are not you. But overall, awesome, its a great short storie. I look forward to more of your work! -sherry
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