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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rturner1987
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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of A New Dawn Ch.1  
Review by Rturner19936
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

Overall this is well written, but I think you would benefit from learning about story structure and character development a little.

The first chapter should have a hook, something to entice the reader, this usually comes in the form of a question being proposed to the reader, or a character with a problem that needs solving.

Characters are not perfect, the problem could be that they have issues at home, they have drinking problems, or they are living in a world where there is little food and no laws.

Try not to start with a couple of paragraphs of exposition, this bores the reader. Readers care about characters and how they deal with situations. Also, starting in the middle of the action is a good way to hook the reader.

You could start in the middle of the duel:

"Are you ready for an embarrassing defeat?" Samuel said, and quickly stepped forwards, bringing his sword down as fast as lightning to clash with my own. I hadn't anticipated him attacking so soon. The force of his blows sent me off balance but I regained my composure and hopped back out of reach.

"You wish," I hissed, and lunged forwards striking at his legs. His sword cut through the air with a hum knocking my own out of hand. It clattered to the floor and spun to a stop a few meters from me.

"Embarrassed yet?" Samuel laughed, and swung his sword, aiming for my face.

I ducked low, rolled across the mud and scooped up my weapon just in time clash once more with his. The force sent him reeling back. I seized his moment of weakness like a lion ready for the kill and threw my foot forwards. It collided with his chest with a crack knocking the air out of him. He tumbled onto his back with a grunt. I pounced on top of him and stuck my blade up against his throat.

Samuels eyes widened with shock, then he grinned. "You're learning!"



This would pose many questions, like who are these people? why are they fighting? why is Samuel so cocky? who was the main character learning from? Why hasn't the main character beaten Samuel before? Why are they using swords, is the book set in a fantasy world....you get my point.
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2
for entry "Meet Olivia Berns
Review by Rturner19936
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,
If this is the first chapter of a book, then it needs a hook, something to draw the reader in. Unfortunately there is no hook here. A hook can be anything, an event that starts the story, a conflict within the character.
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Review of The Call  
Review by Rturner19936
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very good, very emotional, and the twist at the end was very interesting.
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