I enjoyed your article and am glad I came across it. I'm currently taking a couple of writing courses to improve my skills and enjoy reading other's stories and reviewing them. My reviews center on writing skills and not the content. I seek to pass on some possible suggestions that may help you.
Your writing is descriptive, but at times includes redundant thoughts that weigh it down.
Example: "jerked back hard" - dropping "hard" still keeps the effect. "the fire first began to crackle" - first and began are similar in meaning. Dropping "first" might provide a crisper statement.
Midway through the first paragraph: "Knowing from past experience I knew..." Again seems repetitious. The sentence could start "From past experience, I knew..." or you could drop "I knew"
"Casted" should be "cast."
I looked up the rule for "its" and "it's" Use "it's" as a contraction for it is. In the third paragraph: "telling me secrets of it's past" should be "its."
A couple of times, the tense changes in a sentence. "I reeled in the fish...then grab it across..." It would read better as "reel" and "grab" or "reeled" and "grabbed."
You definitely have a writing talent and I hope that these suggestions help. Keep it up.
This is a humorous story (brought out several chuckles while I was reading it). It picks a number of everyday items and combines them in unusual ways. I also liked the various extremes that also provided a touch of humor: "frosties on sale $.49 cheaper with any $1.80 or more purchase" and then the lunch bill coming to $24.99 and them each giving $20 without any question. It is a lighthearted story, but shows that you do have writing talent. Keep on writing!
I enjoyed reading this story and thought it was well done. The first paragraph captures the reader's attention and is written in a way that I can picture the scene in my mind. The story then builds the reader's curiosity; what made this captive girl different from all the others? How could one be amused when in a setting like that? The small sample of her power was a nice touch to continue to draw the reader in. I could picture the little girl wrapping her hair around her finger and asking why. I'm curious about what happens to the guard.
There are a few things writing wise that can be done to help improve the story. "Squeek" should be "squeak" "impacient" should be "impatient", "pacient" should be "patient". The room was 10 x 10 big. The word big is just the opposite of what you are trying to convey and might be better left out. The door was "covered big rust" - should "big" actually be "by"?
The sentence that begins: "But they had no idea that me..." contains both the present and past tense and reads a bit awkward. "They had no idea that this small, young girl was very special."
At the end of the next paragraph "...would be the fact that by skin..." Should "be" be "my"? Also in the next paragraph, "...don't know what I cam do to..." Should "cam" be "can?"
In the paragraph that starts "The silence was broken by..." the phrase "footsteps distantly" reads awkwardly to me. It might read more clearly as: "The silence was broken by the distant sound of footsteps..."
The writing was well done and shows a real writing talent. Keep on writing. It will benefit you and the ones who read it!
Overall, I enjoyed the story and enjoyed your writing style. You have good use of dialogue throughout the story and do well at describing characters and places.
There are a couple of ideas I have that may help to strengthen the flow of the story. In the sentence "Since her aunt spent a lot of time..." the phrase "a lot" is used twice. "Maira was often alone" or something similar would help the sentence flow better.
In the section where they arrive and see the 100 kids, the word "there" is used three times in a short span. "When they arrived [there], they saw..." "There" can be removed and the sentence will read well. [There were] All sorts of fascinating things scattered about. "There were" could also be removed.
The "shepherds tended their flocks near some barn and stable" reads a little awkard. It would read smoother with either "a barn" or "some barns and stables."
"The kerosene from the karr had spilled" might read better without "had". The next sentence has "kept" repeated twice. It might read a little smoother..."instead of burning out, continued rising...and kept getting brighter.
I enjoyed the way the girl wouldn't let anything stop her from reaching her dream. Keep on writing.
Children are great teachers, but many adults are too busy to learn from them. It is great to see that you do. I enjoyed reading your article and learning about your faith in God. One thing I might suggest is to be a little more personal about receiving Christ. The article is specific about what God does for you and how you respond, but when talking about salvation the tone changes to "I can come into a personal relationship..." Just because I can do something doesn't always mean I have done it.
By tying the conclusion in with the initial question it closes the article nicely and gives the reader insight to the question. Keep on writing and sharing your faith.
I love the content and agree that it is important to make sure your heart doesn't dry up. Your opening sentence shares a principle we all need to apply to our lives.
There are some grammatical things I think might help strengthen the story. With "that" being used right before "river", the second "that" (right before "people) could be dropped. The same goes for the "they" after "contagious smile and..."
To me, "to" might work a little better than "and" in the first part of sentence four. "The worse thing is to try to work..."
"Fellow co-worker" seems redundant. They both say about the same thing.
"Just so as to not" seems awkward. A thought would be to replace "just so as" with "being careful"
In the next to the last sentence "allot" should be "a lot". A comma would help after "good". Also at the end of the sentence, removing "but" would add to its impact.
This piece has some great advice and I hope that you will have many readers who heed it.
I checked out this story because of the title. I was curious to see if it involved Psalm 121 and was glad to see that it did. God has a way of sending the right people at the right times to show his love and care. It is neat to see how God can use an add for a motorcycle to meet a completely different need that you wouldn't put an add out for. The story was well written and spoke to my heart. Thank you.
I enjoyed this story. I've had a few "it seemed like a good idea at the time" myself and could relate. I can see it in my mind bouncing out of the ditch. The brief bits of dialogue added to the story.
There were a couple of things I saw that, from my perspective, could strengthen the story. Mostly they were repeated words. For instance, in the first sentence , "upkeep" is used twice in the sentence. You might consider removing the second one. "...to be done, and he did it meticulously."
To be gramatically correct, it should be "had gone" instead of "had went". In that same paragraph, the word "had" is repeated twice in the same sentence. It would read fine without the first "had".
In the "Awestruck" paragraph, the word "bounced" is repeated twice in the same sentence. You could consider replacing the second one with "bounded".
"..finally came to its final rest" seems redundant. "Finally" could be removed and the sentence would read well. You could leave out the word "have" in "...done if it had have hit a car.." or change "had" to "would".
I'm curious about what Pop had to say about it. A brief mention of that at the end would tie the ending back in with the beginning and would help strengthen the whole story.
I enjoyed the story and will look for other "Pop Chronicles"
I enjoyed reading this story. The introduction pulls you right into it because it is easy to relate to. There is great use of dialogue throughout. I could picture the scenes in my mind as I read it. The ending was great also and gave me a chuckle. It so accurately portrays the way children think and act. Very well done.
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