I'm not sure what the storyline is in this. You seem to jump from one thing to another. In fact, the scenario in the church where Cassandra ends up as the sacrifice in a Satanic ceremony has no closure. It is never mentioned again. Some things seem unrealistic. For instance, after leaving Cassie dead in the church, Pete and Jenny came to a farmhouse. Why didn't Pete call the police at that point? Their reaction to the ceremonial murder of Cassandra was too nonchalant, as if it were an everyday event. And since Jenny was schooled at a convent, I don't think she'd react so calmly to a satanic ritual.
This story needs some work. If you don't wish to follow through with the murder of Cassie, you might want to consider leaving it out of the story. You could just have it as a girl-meets-boy-and-falls-in-love type of story, which it is already for the most part.
I liked the way Jenny finally got the courage to stand up to Caroline. Caroline seemed like a real troublemaker. I thought that Jenny's father gave in much too soon when his daughter finally came home. For that matter, I think Jenny's intimate relationship with Pete happened too fast. But what do I know?  The ending was nice... a nice happy ending.
Consider the following when editing:
The moon cast shadows on the dimly lit street, only the sound of footsteps could be heard has (as) they reached their destination.
She was street wise (streetwise), She (she) could hear her parents, constantly nagging her, but they had arranged a weekend break.
"Jenny hurry, get dressed.(,)" Caroline snapped(,) startling her.
"I'm not sure about this(.), why (Why) can't we just stay here (and have a drink?") , and have a drink?" Caroline sighed.
"Your ("You're) 18 and we are going to celebrate."
She glanced through her wardrobe has (as) she spoke, throwing a short black skirt and (a) top on the bed.
Caroline sighed, glancing at the few local's(locals), sitting quietly talking.
"I do not think this is right for (a) birthday celebration. We can have a drink in here, and then find some where (somewhere) with a little noise."
The pub gradually filled with leather clad (leather-clad) bikers, laughing and shouting has they pushed their way to the bar.
The local's (locals) walked out in disgust.
"I think, we just might stay here, it seem's to have improved." Caroline whispered.
("I think we just might stay here. It seems to have improved," Caroline whispered.)
Jenny glanced at him(.), his (His) brown collar length (collar-length) hair and brown eyes attracted her attention(.), he (He) smiled(,) sitting next to her.
She shook her head, hurrying to the toilet, brushing her hair(,) deciding to leave.
She hurried into the corridor, bumping into the man that had sat next to her(.), he (he) held his arm across the door, preventing her leaving.
He laughed returning to the others, leaving her trembling has (as) she stood against the wall.
She quickly composed herself, returning to the table(.), they started to laugh noticing her presence. (They started to laugh when they noticed her presence.)
She hurried to the garden, tears filled her eyes, she had become the subject of Carolines jokes again.
(Consider: Eyes filled with tears, she hurried to the garden, realizing she had become the subject of Caroline's jokes again.)
She began to tremble has (as) he sat next to her, watching has (as) he quietly rolled a joint.
"So, I suppose you're not enjoying your birthday." he (He) sighed, offering her the cannabis filled (cannabis-filled) cigarette(.), She refused.
"I do not smoke, but thanks(," she answered, leaning on the arm of the bench, trying to avoid his attention.) ." leaning on the arm of the bench, trying to avoid his attention.
"Just try it Jenny, it will make you feel better." he(He) offered it again(.), She inhaled a little, coughing(.), He rubbed her back, holding her close.
"We have been friends since we were little(.), I do not have any other friends.(") He held her gently around the waist.
"I don't think, she is your friend (I don't think she is your friend), but its none of my business."
She looked at him shocked(.), he (He) pulled her towards him gently, kissing her(,) making her tremble.
"Your ("You're) freezing, put this on."
She smiled nervously." (delete the quote mark)
"Pete, I think we should find some where (somewhere) to stay tonight, before it gets too late."
"Why don't you sleep at the old church, no one goes there, I don't think?" He thought for a few minutes. "Will you show me where it is?"
(This is confusing. I assume Jenny said the first sentence, and Pete the last one. You need to put each person's dialogue in a separate paragraph, and use tags if necessary for clarity)
Caroline laughed and joked with Cassandra(.), She ran her fingers through her black curly hair(,) noticing that Pete had returned(.), She walked towards them, her black leather jacket unzipped(,) revealing her figure.
"Pete, come and sit here(.), you're (You're) wasting your time with her(.), I want to tell you something.(,)" Caroline whispered.
He laughed, whispering to Cassandra, has (as) he held Jenny gently around the waist.
Cassandra laughed(,) sitting down.
They hurried to the bike(.), he (He) paused(,) holding her gently(,) noticing how frightened she looked.
"Jenny, get on, and hold (on to) me(.), its (It's) that easy, nothing to worry about."
He started the bike(.), She held him(,) trembling(,) has ('has' is a verb... the word needed here is 'as') they hurried to the church.
He opened the door, brushing away the cob webs has (cobwebs as) they entered the dark aisle.
She walked into a web frightening herself clinging to him trembling.
(Suggest: She walked into a web, frightening herself, and clung to him trembling.)
He held her gently (You are over-using the phrase 'held her gently.' Just about every paragraph has that phrase in it.) pushing the door shut with his foot.
She pulled away from him(,) sitting on the dusty carpet quickly removing (and removed) her shoes(.), he (He) sat beside her, rolling a joint, humming to himself.
"Will you stay with me(,) Jenny(?), I will not force you to do anything, I promise."
"Jenny(,)." He (he) whispered(,) holding her close.
"Stay with me tonight(.), you (You) shouldn't be embarrassed about how you feel."
He held her close (Over-use of the phrase 'held her close.), kissing her(.),
"You can do anything, If (if) you try."
She returned his kiss, holding him nervously(.), he (He) teased her gently(,) making love to her.
She sat up(,) burying her head in her arms, crying (as) he held her close. (Again, he is holding her close! Try something different like ' as he nestled her in his arms.')
Listen to me, your (you're) very different.
So you broke a few rules, your parent's rules, and if you can put up with all the jokes, Caroline teases you with, that proves your (you're) not weak.
He handed her a joint(.), She pulled him towards her(,) kissing him, unsure of his reaction.
"Why can't we just stay here, It's so quiet.?" She whispered, not wanting to let him go.
("Why can't we just stay here? It's so quiet," she whispered, not wanting to let him go.)
"I have to get the others(.), So will you come back with me?"
She nodded silently, (and) they walked back to the bike.
"It took you a while (awhile), didn't it Pete?"
She watched has they loaded beer onto the bikes(.), Caroline walked towards her. "you (You) might have him now, but when he has a few drinks inside him, I will get him.
Pete over heard (overheard) the conversation(.), He held Jenny close(,) kissing her, gently rubbing her chest.
"I wanted to teach Caroline a lesson, plus your (you're) too beautiful not to kiss."
They all arrived at the church(.), Caroline sat(,) clearly annoyed(,) watching has (as) he led Jenny into the room they had shared earlier.
"Did you see her face(?), She is fuming." He noticed the troubled look on her face,(delete the comma) has (as) she sat down.
"I know Caroline (very well.), very well.
She always's get's (always gets) what she wants."
"I think her luck,(delete the comma) just ran out."
"But for how long(?), I have to go home tomorrow, and you will disappear(.), will (Will) I ever see you again?" He held her close. (Delete 'He held her close.')
Jenny opened the door slightly watching Cassandra dance, has (as) she teased the male members of the group. Pete held her gently (delete 'gently'!) around the waist, glancing at Cassandra.
"About two years, If (if) you really want to know(.), She is my ex(.), It just didn't work out."
"Caroline has calmed down, So (so) I don't think you have anything to worry about." She sat down again(,) concerned about his feelings for Cassandra. ( Does he have feelings for both Caroline and Cassandra? Or did you just type the wrong name?)
"No, we are just really good friends(.), We have shared a lot of things, but Cassie and me(...)," He sighed. "It's over."
"What does this do (anyway?") , any way?"
"It just relaxes you, and I only smoke it on Friday's (Fridays.), It help's (helps) me unwind after a hectic week, (Delete the comma) at work." He hugged her gently. (delete 'He hugged her gently.')
"I'll tell you in a few weeks(.), It's nothing bad."
She cuddled into him has (as) they slept.
They were awoken (awakened) by shouting and screaming.
Pete opened the door slightly(.), A group of people dressed in sack cloth formed a ring around the alter, waiting silently(,) their heads covered by hoods.
A tall, medium built (medium-built) man stood behind the alter(, removed his hood, and nodded silently at the crowd.) he removed his hood, silently nodding to the crowd.
Two of members dragged Cassandra to the alter, holding her tight, has (as) she struggled to free herself.
The crowd began to chant Sirrius has (as) he approached Cassandra, glancing at her.
She screamed has (as) they tore her clothes from her body.
She lay crying and bleeding has sirrius (as Sirrius) crouched beside her.
"You, and your friends, have soiled this place, and now someone has (to) right that wrong."
"I'm not an unreasonable person, and it would help your soul, If (if) you give yourself willingly(.), I can take the pain away, just say the word."
Sirrius raised his hand(.), He crouched beside her again.
"Our lord Satan doesn't want your body, He want's (he wants) your soul."
"If you say, (delete the comma) you will give yourself to him, I will give you this, and you will not feel any more pain."
His voice (was) soft now, has (as) he rested his hand on her shoulder gently.
"Go to hell!" She (she) gasped.
He sighed has (as) the torture carried on.
"Stay down Cassie, don't get up.(,)" Pete whispered to himself.
Sirrius crouched beside her again(.), he (He) poured a little of the golden liquid onto his fingers, rubbing it onto her lips.
"I want to end this pain(;), you do not have to suffer like this."
"The pain is beginning to fade(.), I can take it away(.), drink (Drink) this and the pain will go."
He emptied the contents of the bottle into her mouth has (as) the crowd chanted his name.
"She's alive(.), they (They) have given her a drug, but they have beaten her up badly."
He opened the door again(.), Sirrius held her hand(,) gently leading her to the alter, stroking her body has she lay on the alter.
"What is your name(,) child?"
"Cassandra(," she whispered.) " She whispered.
The drug she had been given had taken away the pain, like he had promised, causing her to dream(.), He stroked her hair has (as) she agreed, teasing her gently.
He gripped her leg's (legs,) pulling her towards him, roughly raping her.
She moved closer(,) driven by the drug(,) wanting more(.), each (Each) member of the group took their turn.
Cassandra lay hallucinating has (as) Sirrius produced a small bladed (small-bladed) knife.
Silence filled the room, (and) the group filed out of the church, leaving Cassandra motionless on the alter.
Pete hurried to her side, quickly holding her wrist(.), her (Her) blood covered the alter has (as) it ran from her throat.
He held his head, kicking the door(,) annoyed because he had let her die.
"I know what you said, and I am still coming with you(.), I am not leaving you alone."
He began to get annoyed holding her gently, hoping she would understand. (Delete this whole sentence.)
He carried her to a barn(,) laying her on a bed of straw.
He held her gently. (Delete this sentence.)
She hugged him(,) trying to relive (relieve) her headache. ( How does hugging someone relieve a headache?)
"Take those painkillers(.), If your headache doesn't go, I will take you to (the) hospital."
She nodded(.), holding (Holding) him tight, they soon arrived at her house.
She trembled has (as) he sat next to her.
"I don't want to say goodbye(.), I don't want to stay here on my own, Pete."
"You could stay with me tonight, If (if) you want."
She sat on the leather suite (What is a 'leather suite?'), amazed how tidy the flat looked(.), He turned on the hi-fi, sitting next to her.
The doorbell interrupted their conversation(.), Jim and Caroline waited patiently for him to open the door.
"I thought Pete would have given up trying now(.), Why don't you run home, that is what you normally do, isn't it?"
"I'll stop her(,)" Pete held his arm(.)
"You won't need too (to), trust me."
"Caroline, I've done a little more than kiss him, and your (you're) right, he is too nice, but I guess, that is something only I would know, Isn't (isn't) it?"
Pete and Jim hurried into the room before they started to fight. He held her close. (Who held who close?)
"I think you proved your point (he whispered.) ." He whispered. (Who said this? Jim or Pete?)
He nudged her has (as) he spoke.
Jenny walked into the kitchen silently(,) closely followed by Caroline.
"I suppose you think he loves you(.), your parent's (Your parents) will be home tomorrow(.), They will be so disappointed (when they find out about Pete.") , When they find out about Pete."
"I think you will be saying a lot of Hail Marys, and you know they will not let you see him again.), A lot of hail Mary's, and you know they will not let you see him again
She knew Caroline was right(.), her parent's (Her parents) would not allow them to see each other again. She sighed, carrying the coffee mug's (mugs) into the lounge. Pete could see she was troubled(.), he (He) sat on the arm of the chair.
"I haven't finished my drink(.)" He drank the contents of her cup.
"You have(.), Let's go."
"Jen, They (they) can't stop you(.), your 18 (You're eighteen.") She held him, crying.
"You don't understand(.), If I do not obey their rules(,) they will tell me to leave."
"Do you want too (to?), would (Would) she really tell them?"
"Does it really matter(?), If they tell you to leave, I can bring you back here."
They watched TV for a while(.), he (He) picked her up(,) making her laugh(,) carrying her to the bed(.), He held her gently has (as) she slept(,) thinking about his relationship with Cassandra, but was he ready for another(?),
The next morning she awoke to find Pete cooking breakfast(.), he (He) handed her a plate has (as) she sat down.
He sat beside her has (as) he spoke.
Her voice filled with fear because of her fathers (father's) rules.
"I've told you, I will be with you, So (so) stop worrying."
She picked at her food(,) worried about going home(.), they (They) walked to the bike(.), She paused before getting on.
"Jenny, believe in yourself(.), you (You) told Caroline, now its (it's) time to tell your parents(.) you (You) have a life too."
They arrived at her house(.), She trembled has (as) her father opened the door(, the look of disappointment clearly on his face.) . The look of disappointment clearly on his face.
"Just remember what I told you(;) believe in yourself.(,)" He (he) whispered(.), her (Her) father blocked the entrance with his hand.
I do not think it would be a good idea (to invite your friend inside, Jennifer.) , to invite your friend inside Jennifer.
"Caroline has phoned your mother this morning(.) , What she was told, was hard to believe. But!, (But) I can see with my own eyes(.), I just hope it's not too late, (delete the comma) to make you see sense.(") He expected her to go into the house.
"I'll talk to you and mum about this, but Pete comes too(.), It concerns him." She trembled(,) expecting her father to shout(.), he (He) allowed them to enter.
"You have won the first round.(,)" He (he) whispered sitting beside her.
"What have I done(?), you (You) have listened to Caroline, and believed her, but you haven't asked me, have you?"
"Did you get drunk last night(?), So drunk, that you let..." He paused unable to ask her.
"Father, I went out with Caroline on Friday, (delete the comma) to celebrate my birthday(.), I had one drink, and I swear that is the truth. Caroline got drunk(.), I met Pete at the pub(.), I stayed with him Friday night, and last night(.), He did not force me to do anything."
He knew She (she) had never lied to him. "Rose, I think its (it's) time for a cup of tea(.), Jennifer(,) would you help your mother.(?)"
Pete, imagine you had a daughter(.), you (You) would naturally want the best for her, wouldn't you?,(delete the comma) you (You) would not want her dating someone that could only offer her a giro once a week(.)"
Pete lit a cigarette(,) sighing.
I have a full time (full-time) job(.), in (In) fact(,) I start work at two in the morning(.), I am normally finished at lunch time, but in my profession, It (it) could be a lot later(.), you (You) should listen to her(.), She know's (knows) what she want's (wants.), I can only assure you, I will look after her, and I would never hurt her.
He glanced at his daughter has (as) she walked into the lounge carrying the tray(.), It seemed to be only yesterday that he held her, bouncing her on his knee, has (as) she laughed, but now the once boisterous child had turned into a beautiful young woman.
I honestly do not know what to do(,) Jennifer(.), If I do nothing and you get hurt(,). I would never forgive myself(.), If I forbid you to see him again(,). I think you will, and that would lead to lies and deceit.
So I've decided to let, (delete the comma) you decide, and I hope I am doing the right thing." She hugged her father, then kissed Pete(,) crying(.), He dried her tears.
"Pete(,) would you like to stay for dinner(?), It would be a pleasure, (delete the comma) for you to join us."
"I would like that thanks, but I can't stay too late(.), I have to get some sleep before work."
"What does he do for living(?), It must be something interesting, if he starts at 2am?(.)" (Who said this?)
"To be honest, I don't know(.) he (He) said he would tell me in a few weeks."
"I don't know, and that is the truth(.), he (He) wouldn't tell me(.), would (Would) you?"
No, not yet(.) , my (My) job ruined my last relationship.
They finished the meal(.), he (He) held her hand gently(,) walking to the bike(.), She hugged him. "I'm really going to miss you(.), I wanted you to know, you made my birthday great."
He rode into the distance(.), She began to help her mother tidy away the dinner plates.
"He seem's (seems) to be a very nice young man, not exactly what your father and I, (no comma here) had planned, but(...)!"
"Jenny, you must follow your heart(.), If you make a mistake, and you will, It (it) will make you a stronger person."
"Jenny, have you thought about contraception(?), I know it's a subject we would not normally discuss, but, to be honest, I think you should think about it."
She lit a cigarette(,) suprising her mother.
Mum, I've never lied to you, but you have to except (accept) I have a life.
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You accurately describe the emotions of someone living with an alcoholic. People have a tendency to shun drunks, and the alcoholic's family doesn't have many, if any, friends. 