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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sfbmoore
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Thieves  
Review by Bonnie Moore
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting short story!

Separate it into paragraphs, and separate your dialogue. Once you do this, you will see some of the action words that could jump out a little and make it feel more immediate.

It would be nice to know a little more about the heist and how he tricked his partners, if you can get it into your word count.
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Review by Bonnie Moore
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
This is very difficult to read because it is single-spaced. I would recommend double-spacing it just for ease in viewer reading.

It's also OK to give names, even fictitious names, to the characters instead of dashes,and to provide some description so that the reader can visualize a place, a setting, and watch the movement. I also want to "see" the characters.

There is a story here but everything seems to happen too fast...the protagonist is exploding with pain and anger and the story is going so fast that I am not understanding or feeling the pain/anger. I suggest you slow it down a little and give me (the reader) more insight into what is underneath. Certain history and certain relationship are alluded to but not explained.



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