I really like this! Especially the ending. The first part is a little confusing. Maybe give more info about the setting? Who are Ram and Semya? Are they only teammates, or do they have other roles, too? I would give some more description. Overall, though, this is a very good start.
I love the emotion of the characters here! It feels like you have painted a picture of them in just a few sentences! Very nice! Also, the wording: "there were better ways to break up with someone." I love it!
You may want to think about the ending a bit. How can you make it more dramatic? Can you have Sally see him go into space?
Also, Frank is her husband-not her boyfriend. So it is implied they have been together awhile. Did she believe he was from another planet at one time? Or was she with him, even though she didn't believe him? Or was this the first time he had told her he was from another planet? Some background would be helpful to make this more intriguing!
This is a great start! I love the way you described the setting. And the little boy-I can just see him bringing him joy! 1 thing you might want to think about is the ending. Can you make it clearer that joy is going out of the building? Or describe how the boy brought joy, but now it is gone? Think of how you could make it more poignant.
But overall, a great job.
This is a good start. I like the advice you give; it is very poignant. One thing that might help is if you have some stories or examples with your points. For example, for number 5, do you have a story about how someone puffed themselves up by the hard work of others and suffered because of it? Also, think about your transitions. Some more framing or structure would add a lot.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.20 seconds at 6:25pm on Jun 29, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "