The characters of Adrian and Ian hinge on their being misfit elves who have trouble making toys correctly. Yet they make bicycles fly. Obviously the latter idea is the point of the story, but the former idea doesn't seem to fit right either. I think they need to be misfits in a slightly different way. Quite why are the bikes 'special' (apart from the fact they can fly)? Is it because this is what Adrian and Ian are capable of in their spare time? Or is it because they were bored and were experimenting? Or were they an accident? Pick one or create another and use other failures or incidents along the same line to explain how they're misfits.
Very good. The premise is highly original - yet so obvious that I wonder it hadn't been done already.
The writing style is good, revealing key aspects of the world in which it is set (such as the constant winter) in natural, easy ways. This can be difficult to do, but you've done it well.
Very good. Well paced and the ending is at a really natural place in the storyline (this can be hard to do, I know). I really liked the way it came full circle with the teddy bears.
That she can not only see her imaginary friend, but touch and hold him is a nice gentle fantasy effect that works well and makes sense in this story.
Highly original treatment - and extension - of the werewolf and vampire mythos.
The piecemeal approach to the story took a little getting used to. The story setup required, explaining the QXB and PXB virii, also feels a little clunky as if the author was itching to get to the main story. But this setup is crucial for drawing the reader in. So I think this needs some work.
Definitely needs a better ending. It just stops abruptly.
The pace also needs addressing. The first three paragraphs take their time in setting things up and are generally well wrtiten. Then she seems to find the hole too quickly and then events move much faster. The change is jarring; I had to go back and re-read where the transition was.
I didn't get a sense of how or if Kiran was scared or frightened with the aliens. That needs to be developed better. We got a much better feel for what she thought of those in the party at the start.
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