WOW. It's brilliant. I was sucked in from the first paragraph!
Some critical feedback- you used a lot of big words, and while that often enhances the writing, sometimes it made yours choppy. I read at a high school level, and I understood most of what you were saying, but you might want to watch that; sometimes the simplest words can be the best.
Other than that, I really like it! It left me thinking even after I was finished reading it. You created your characters perfectly. Well done
Wow. That's really intense. I like your form - the lack of rhyme or rhythm and dramatic line breaks. I also like your repetition of "You are not wanted here little girl / the words echo still." I also like your metaphor of "stuck in her mind like a splinter of wood, the words echo still." Good job
Wow... that was really powerful! The last line, separated from the rest, really makes a statement. Are you sure the use of the ellipses really adds to your work? I like the addition in a few of the lines, but 14 seems a little bit over the top. Just a suggestion... (and i'm not really one to talk because I use them all the time)
The "static / in my looking glass..." is an excellent metaphor. Good choice!
I like it though! It's one of those poems that grabs on to you and keeps you thinking about it after you're done reading it. It "resonates" with you, I think it's called. Very nice job
Wow, well it sure sounds dramatic! I would definitely read it. Please, when you continue, replace your "thru"s with "through"s... writing that is free of grammatical and spelling mistakes is so much easier to read. I look forward to reading onwards!
Well done! I especially like how you alternate dialogue and narration, the style of your narration. I also love the connection between the two players - instead of a simple competition, this is between a father and son. Your humor ("does your mind slip or does your ego need rubbing") really adds to the reading. Good job!
Excellent! I love it. I especially like the images, and the unusual word choice - things like "A delicate moonbeam... filters down to crimson brook." It makes your writing stand out.
I also really liked the complete circle around the moonbeam - you start with it in your title, then mention it in the first line, and end with a neat little bow in the last line. Very nice
Wow. I'm sucked in! I really like your creativity and descriptions which provide the reader with just enough knowledge to get the picture, before you move on to the next detail. Well done!
I like it! You never state exactly what you're talking about, leading the reader to imagine all sorts of things. We can take it in a literal, gambling sense, or we can choose to take it metaphorically and interpret it other ways. I say well done, and I look forward to reading other things from you!
Your rhythm is a little tricky to follow... but it may be that I was reading in my head and got somewhat confused. I really like the image of the "rusted chain" - it really conveys your meaning of the heart's condition. I also like how your title isn't stated until the poem until the very end, making it the first and last phrase of the poem. Well done!
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