What I especially liked: Then she laid her hand upon his heart, now still.- What a tear-jerker line! Every word choice in this is wonderful; nothing more or less than needed.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: Not a single thing.
Overall impression:
You have crystalized what could have been pages long into only a few eloquent lines. In ways it almost reads as poetry instead of story. Superb.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #835822 by Not Available.
It's hard to give an in-depth review of so short a piece, but here goes..
What I especially liked: I liked the 'turn-around' in the final phrase... even if it was rather predictable.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I didn't really see any.
What I felt needs improvement: The emotion behind this is quite charged; you should expand on the theme! Elaborate on it, use good concrete, physical imagery to *show* each point, instead of just telling it. I didn't see any reason why you changed the pattern in the next-to-last line.
Overall impression:
A decent start, certainly charged, I think this has the potential to be quite good with some work.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #886886 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: life itself is only a second
Now I know each fleeting second
is ending the life I beckoned
Spelling/Grammar issues: While I found no spelling errors, there are a *number* of places where the phrasing is awkward enough to make it difficult to understand. Try reading this piece aloud, pausing at the end of each line, to try and catch these awkward spots.
What I felt needs improvement: Try to clear up some of the awkwardness of this piece, as I said already. Try to choose more 'concrete', physical imagery instead of 'fuzzy' emotional or mental concepts to illustrate your points. (ie, 'Her heart swelled like a flower about to bloom' creates a much stronger mental image than 'her heart swelled with all the pride she could hold')
Overall impression:
A good piece, it just needs a bit of tweaking and polishing.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Drunk (18+) Very dark-a guy with severe problems-*No* it did not happen to *me*. Obviously. #835564 by Tanna
What I especially liked: His mother's grave did not answer her lost child
or not heard over the roar of white-flecked foam.
The weather was changing, turning quite wild
fading light bringing early end to gloomy day - I just really like this passage, not sure why; the words just flow together nicely
Spelling/Grammar issues: paedophiles - pedophiles
What I felt needs improvement: the laguage in this is rather abrupt and simplistic.. while it works for it somewhat, especially concerning the boy's thoughts, for the most part it just sounds choppy. Try some more flowing word choices.
Overall impression:
Wow. Very haunting, very moving. It could use a bit of polish, but stands well even as is.
What I especially liked: I want to see your bright beautiful smile
and fall in love with you all over again - who doesn't know this feeling? If they don't, they're missing out.
Spelling/Grammar issues: I really didn't see any.
What I felt needs improvement: Try to use more concrete images, rather than 'fuzzy' emotional terms. "Show don't tell" You have some gret material, and it would be so much better with firmer mental images! It all seems to be in something of a jumble; some punctuation would improve it quite a bit, I think.
Overall impression:
A very nice poem, with a good flowing style. Pull in some better concrete imagery and punctuation, and I really think you'll have an exemplary piece.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #835822 by Not Available.
What I especially liked: Fly Old Glory display our faith
that our troops won't fail
Spelling/Grammar issues: They seek to undermind - undermine
What I felt needs improvement: I like the subject of the poem here, and you make some good points, but it's fairly... confusing. Try to clarify every point you make; be concise. You have written this as though it should be a structured, metered poem, and even seem to be attempting a rhyme scheme.. but somehow it just doesn't work. Try to choose your words more carefully, and consciously count syllables, instead of just 'going by ear'. Also, try reading it aloud to help catch awkwardness.
Overall impression:
A good poem, but it could definitely use a bit of polishing.
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #836520 by Not Available.
I already reviewed each piece separately, but I thought I'd come and give the folder itself a rating, maybe help draw in other people to read this piece, which I really think is wonderfully written and so very moving. Again, I say a wonderful piece, and I'm so glad I read the whole thing!
Good work, and as always, Keep Writing!
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Tanna
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #872662 by Not Available.
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