I liked this piece. A little contrived have an 'old curiosity shope', and the First National Bank being at the end of the street. But even so the story had a good pace. BTW 'loop-to-loop' or loop-the-loop? At one point you give the dragon a gender, "He", might it be better not to give that just yet. Part of the 'finding out' that the Hero and the reader discover slowly? It feels like this might result in many more complicated and potentially dangarous and funny situations! Would love to read more.
There is a lot in this and you introduce many characters that could be antagonists, which does get a bit confusing. I also felt that you were ‘telling’ me things that you could have ‘shown’ instead. Such as “the barman's demeanor cycled from astonishment, to contrition, to anger.” You might have included each ‘expression’ in the dialogue just above it so that *I* get to watch this too.
You also tell at different points that ‘Skrie’ is a halfling and a cleric. I felt you could have told me this upfront, or better yet shown me this through descriptions of how she moved through the scene and the type of clothing she wore.
I liked the flavour you added with the descriptions of the mining supervisors and farmers never-ending conversation topics. Would have liked just a bit more of that.
A couple of times I got jarred by the logistics. Like when Skrie “headed back toward the stairs.” That she had come down, then … “In the darkness, she cast a spell to disguise herself and appear as a human boy. She headed towards the back door and out into the stables.”
I like a lot of this and I’m intrigued by the characters so want to learn more … but … please remember that as a reader *I* don’t have the same insider knowledge as you the writer. Take your time to tell the story, and describe the scene a bit more so we can see hear taste and smell the whole experience. Above all keep going!
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