Chapter 2 and the questions keep mounting. The story gets more involved and the reader is continuously wondering how all of the pieces fit together. Still intriguing but as the story continues, I fear if it keeps adding more mysterious components the reader may find it difficult to manage all of the moving parts.
At this point in the story I kind of want to know more about at least one of the characters. I need something to hold on to, something that's stable and something I feel like I'm getting to know. I want more detail about who Robert is in the first chapter right after his step father gives him the gift. I want to see into his mind a little as he thinks about his life and the strange gift or deeper backstory with more details or more detailed description of his room that would tell us more about the character or a combination of these characterization tools.
I hate jumping ahead in a story because now I'm anxious to see how these events lead to chapter 13.
I usually am not a big fan of haiku poetry. I feel that often the requirements of certain forms of poetry limit the message and the author sacrifices meaning to the structure.
These, however, are fantastic. The words you chose, I feel, are largely new to tree descriptions and they work beautifully. You don't actually describe trees at all, but I see trees when I read the words.
This is great for an aspiring writer! The feeling is there; the ideas are pure. Give this to someone you love (sans the last stanza) and watch them melt. Definitely keep going and refining your voice!
I have two suggestions:
More imagery! Show me the oceans. Show me the deserts. Show me how you traverse them. Show me the pain involved. Show me how doing such an incredible act demonstrates your love. Show me how your tire, the dust on your feet, your cracked lips and the fire in your eyes. And then show me how the other person you want to demonstrate this love to doesn't respond. Don't tell me how they don't notice; show me what they do that tells you they don't notice and then tell me that story.
And (since this is the first item of yours I've reviewed so I don't know the breadth of your work so if this doesn't apply, please ignore) drop the rhyme. Let the words play on their own without the constraints. Put whatever you want down to get your message across and expand your reader's vision. Never let rhyme dictate the meaning. Give your ideas as much room as they need. If you really, really want to rhyme your poetry, keep reading to increase and refresh your vocabulary which will give you the tools to pick the perfect words that also capture the reader's imagination and say exactly what you want to say.
It's a good beginning. The ideas are there and it's easy to read.
One description I saw totally threw me from the story as I was trying to figure out what happened. "The girl’s blue and white sneakers flew across the gravel and grass as she ran to her friends". At first I saw somebody throwing a pair of shoes (with the laces tied together for some reason) into the crowd, but then realized what action was actually taking place. Also, "passer-byers" is usually "passers-by". Rewire your brain to write in a more consistent and predictable way for the reader by reading more. Just a suggestion.
The interaction at the end did not seem natural to me, but maybe I just have different expectations of teenagers.
This is loaded with feeling and core emotions; I think that's very important. So I really like how you've tapped into that part of yourself.
I am wanting more imagery though. I get a sense of what's going on but I'm not drawn in by it. You've juxtaposed the state of being with her death and targeted his? (it could be another woman, it doesn't matter, but I'm not sure) lack of attention for the cause of the tragedy, but there are so many ways this story could be playing out. Is she pining unrequited? Was she rejected? Was she betrayed? With a few really excellent images/symbols we could see what was happening and know a little better and then start to identify with the specifics rather than just try to take in the generalities. I know it's cliche, but show us, don't tell us.
And I just have to say that personally I didn't like how you co-opted the existential question of the "tree falling in the forest" enigma in the first stanza. It's hard to redefine a concept, especially if it is treated with as much offhanded disdain as that one is. Don't get me wrong, the concept behind it is pure and powerful and if you want to invoke it, you absolutely should, but say it in a way that the reader cannot identify where it comes from before. Be original. Or if you really want to use it, be clever and surprise us with a new meaning for it or extend the meaning in a new way that challenges the reader to rethink the common idea.
Keep crafting! In any case, the reason you write has nothing to do with the result. Keep writing and your voice will become clearer as you become more familiar with it.
Looking forward to seeing more
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