Overall, I liked your piece very much--more towards the ending than in the beginning. I think your your facts are a little off. Most teachers I know finish at the end of June and start at the beginning of Sept---hardly 3months off. Perhaps I was fortunate that my daughter grew up in an excellent school district. Teachers gave a lot homework which was checked and graded--they called home if there was a problem and warning notices were sent if your child were falling below were she/he should be during the marking period. I guess we had a bunch of high achiever parents becuase a "c" was not considered an acceptable grade.
The other thing I was a little confused about was the ages of your children. I also think it woudl have been even more interesting if your described their looks--their coloring--make them seem more real to the reader. when you talked about his freshly shampooed hair you could have described the texture and color of it--thingss like that-- show don't tell--give us a picture.
Overall I think you did a nice job. I think you are a great Mom! Conratulations! Barbara
Your essay is quite inspiring despite the sadness and poignancy you picture of the elderly and infirmed. I do believe In in God, but it doesn't always make it any easier to understand why people suffer--at any age. I took care of my mother for 18 years in my home because she was then not able to live alone. She hadsevere rheumatoid arthritis which started in her late 40's. She had to have both hips and both knees replaced. her fingers gradually became gnarled and she was unable to cut her own food. She had to sleep with her shoeson because if she had to use the bathroom during the night she couldn't wait for me to get down to her room to put them on sso she could walk. My daughter was 3 years old when Grandma moved in with us. She learned from an early age that Grandma required specialcare and that we all had to help. She was never afraid of a wheelchair-no matter whose it was. She knew at an early age that it wasimportant to help people who needed it. My mother suffered --yes--but she also had the joy of watching her granddaughter growing up right in fron t of her. She played with her in her own way. My mother's condition worsened towards the end of her life but her mind remind 100% in tact. She wanted to die at the end, but she also knew we wer there with her telling her it was ok to go to heaven and that we loved her wth all our hearts. the hospice nurses told us that hearing was the last thing to go so she probably could hear us even if she couldn't speak. I said i love you so much Mommy--then she blinked back at me. She died a few meoments later in peace not in pain. There is life until the very end--don't think that all people cant express it. God is there. God Bless you.
ps. My mother also led a hard life even before she became ill but she was always a wonderful mother and set a great example for my brother and me.
I think this is a lovely poem. The only line that confuses me a bit is "in an ever darker wall." Also in the last stanza I think you could have used a comma after "chain". It seems to need a pause there. Your rhyme is subtle and not sing-song and you evoke a lovely picture. Your short reference to aging is a good one too. Good job! God Bless you.
I think your poem evokes some good imagery, but would be more effective if you had used punctuation to help it flow better.It would give the idea of emotions running into each other too. The cadence of the language is not such that it can be left alone without punctuation. "dieing" is dying. I liked the line,"lifeless yet breathing."
Good luck to you and God Bless you.
Barbara
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