Hi,
I was drawn to your port because you fanned a piece of mine (thank you so much!)
You write beautifully! I really enjoyed this short. The ending filled me with sympathy for the teacher. Hope you fill your port with more.
Regards,
Mantis
P.s. Just last night, I came across the word 'tittered' in the book I'm reading by Joe Hill titled The Fireman. I wasn't familiar with that word, and paused to look it up, appreciating its useage. Coming across it in this story was at first unexpected, then highly satisfying to see, now that the word and I have become acquainted. I'm not making this up.
Very well written, very well profound, very well touching, and, overall, a very heartening and enjoyable read! What else could a reader ask for? Congratulations and kudos to you, HuntersMoon!
This goes to the prologue only, as I have not read the other parts yet.
You're very adept at painting a scene, filling it with ambiance and making it come to life. Your characters jump off the page, full-bodied, fully textured and likable. Wonderful dialogue and character descriptions entrance the reader as the scene unfolds. I fell in love first with Zenik, then even more with Kotsill. The picture of him leaning haughtily against the doorframe and checking his manicure is one that lingers in my mind. That's good writing.
As a fledgling author, while I'm able to stumble through a story with some modicum of success, and do okay with descriptions, I cannot yet write a scene with the kind of immediacy, the kind of richness and detail you present, and the professionalism you show. I can only sit back, read your work, and learn, as I have done with many of the wonderful published books I've read over the years.
This is a lovely story, capturing the exuberence of youth, the wonder and excitement the world holds for a young, impressionable couple, and the adventure that surely awaits them. It's written well. But there are some problems.
First and foremost, there is a problem with tense. One moment, the story is being told in present tense, as if told right as it's happening; but you suddenly switch to past tense which is jarring for the reader. Example:
“Wait and see,” he said, poking me in the ribs. “We're not there yet.”
His bronze eyes are shining with suppressed laughter as he watched me scrunch up my face at his answer.
He ducks under my swat and walks along the wall.
I followed him, curious. “Sure you know where you're going?” I teased.
He turns, walking backwards along the wall. “Pretty sure.” He replied, a corner of his mouth turning up in the start of a smile. “Don't look down,” he advised.
Suggested change:
“Wait and see,” he SAYS, poking me in the ribs. “We're not there yet.”
His bronze eyes are shining with suppressed laughter as he WATCHES me scrunch up my face at his answer.
He ducks under my swat and walks along the wall.
I FOLLOW him, curious. “Sure you know where you're going?” I TEASE.
He turns, walking backwards along the wall. “Pretty sure.” He REPLIES, (comma after 'sure', lose the capital H) THE corner of his mouth turning up in A SUDDEN smile. (for better cadence... you could use your own adjective instead of sudden of course) “Don't look down,” he ADVISES. (You could even remove the 'he advises' to lessen repetition.)
Put spaces on both sides of '-'.
Story:
I've dreamed of the ocean since I can remember, of the old tales of sea monsters and ships. No one has ever been out of the city. I wondered, even, how many have even seen the outside.
You should expand on this. I want to know why no one's ever been out of the city. Seems key to the story.
Keep at it. You've got burgeoning talent, you just need to shore up on a few things.
A truly delightful story you've created here. Your writing flows with a lovely cadence which makes it easy to read, and allows the reader to immerce themselves in the story without having to struggle through awkward phrasing or the like. The scene is set well, with nothing more than is needed, and the mood of the piece established nicely.
The dialogue is bright, realistic, comical at times and flows nicely. It makes for a charming chemistry between the protagonist and his witch. They are delightful together, contrast each other splendidly. The reader can't help but love them both.
There are a few minor edits needed - like a spacing between 'infact' (I think that's what it was) and the addition of starting quotation marks at one point. But it's testiment to your fine work that that's all I can come up with to knit pick about.
One thing though... the conclusion. I want a better one. I want a bit more than one paragraph, which so suddenly ends this lovely tale. I hungered for some twist, something more of a hook to land me completely, beyond just the two of them becoming partners of a sort.
That's just my opinion, but I think that would make this story perfect. It's really the only thing keeping me from giving it 5 stars.
Regards.
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