This is an interesting story. I like the way it all played out. The only thing I had trouble with is the colors for the different voices...not exactly sure how I would do it differently, but the colors just seem a bit odd.
You really gave a good feel for who the "victim" (?) is and I thought you had good word choice throughout. Very nice job!
This is a heart-wrenching, beautifully written story. The character development was done very well. The reader really gets a feel for who Jessica and Ethan are and I think any woman who's ever been a teenager (especially if she was a pregnant one) can connect with Jessica.
The only comments for correction I have are a few misspelled words, and some missing punctuation, like apostrophes in the conjunctions...words like havnt should be haven't. Perhaps run this through a spell/grammar checker on MS Word or Open Office.
This is great! My favorite line is: "A pull here and he found his wrists nearly bound and shackled. Great...my lawn is taking prisoners." That is too funny :)
Just a couple of quick comments:
the word "wont" should be "won't" ... and there should be a period at the end of the sentence "I must be getting old."
This is a very emotional topic that I think could be expounded on to create a moving story that would really get to your readers. I'm not sure if you are a fan of country music, but if you are not familiar with Jason Michael Carroll's song "Alyssa Lies", you should definitely check it out. It is almost the exact same as what you have written here. It might give you some clues on how to make your story come alive more for the readers.
Again, I totally LOVE this story! Gave it a 4 for some grammar and sentence structure, which of course I will send you later. The plot is fantastic and kept me intrigued the whole way through. Character development is well done. Fred is easy to "see", as though you are standing there watching him the whole time, and of course shaking your head because you know he's a little bit nuts! LOL. Also love how he gives his dad the story about the gambling problem, great way to hide the truth.
A beautiful poem in all respects. I can really picture an elderly couple snuggled together in front of a fireplace, talking about days gone by.
The only things I really see that caught me off guard are: Third line, I think would read well without the "As" in the beginning; and in the 10th line (or third from the end) , it seems repetitive to use the word "youth" again here...perhaps you could say "As the years have been slowly stolen from the two".
Just suggestions, but I hope they help! Great job :)
This is a great story! Your character development was handled very well, as well as your use of imagery. I could actually feel myself there, like a ghost, being a part of the whole scene but going unnoticed so as not to disturb anything.
A few things that I would point out:
The sentence where they enter the restaurant and you say "...we shuffled in the front door, where a chirpy attendant stood." I think might actually read better if you said "a chirpy attendant greeted us." It seems kind of odd to say that she is chirpy but just standing there. How do you know she is chirpy if she isn't chirping? :)
“Follow me,” The cheerful young lady ordered -- Not quite sure that cheerful and ordered belong together. Cheerful is happy and smiley, while ordered is a more firm, demanding tone. Perhaps "Follow me," the cheerful young lady smiled. Or "Follow me," the cheerful young lady said with a smile.
"Bobby said she balled her eyes out..." balled should be bawled.
For the next few minutes, we modeled the elderly couple and ate in quiet recluse to the rest of the diners.-- I think that this sentence would read smoother if it ended at "recluse". or change "to" to "from".
I like the story overall. I do not really see any grammar errors , but there are a couple of things that I thought could use work. I think the part where the two first introduce themselves could be a bit more interesting. It seems kinda bland. Show rather than tell what happened...for instance maybe you could give more of a description of Alice and talk about how you can see a hole in her forehead or something, and then have her tell how she got shot. Also, the ending is not very well done. It seems like there should be more than just "oh well, back to life" kinda thing.
What a fantastically written story! I did everything from want to smack Carolyn and Courtney in the beginning, to crying about the tweets from the passed on family members at the end. I think you did a wonderful job of portraying your characters. I could immediately identify them as people I know.
I think that the overall plot is a good one, as well. Of course there are thousands of stories about how technology has screwed things up rather than improved them, but this is a fresh, new , completely original way of looking at it. I am one of the people like the narrator was in the beginning, who isn't into the latest gadget or the hottest going thing at the moment. I really connected with him, and even felt his excitement as he picked up on his social visibility skills. It was fun watching him learn the i-phone, then the i-pad and seeing him want to be as connected as his wife after she got the implant. Although, in the end it was so sad to see him dying of the virus because he would have been just as happy a person, and would have lead just as happy a life, I believe, had he never been brought into the world of technology in the first place. Oh the things we do for love!
I liked this one, somewhat. I think it could use a little bit of work. There is inconsistency in the part where she is in the kitchen, she turns around to call Charlie, but then the attacker (who IS Charlie) is throwing her on the bed...Most people do not have a bed in their kitchen. Also, the last paragraph is a little off...perhaps there is a better way to let the reader know that Michelle was visualizing the attack because Charlie was trying to break up with her.
Okay, I gave this one a 3, but only because the content is really good. Actually, it does not feel complete as a short story. There is too much left for the reader to question. A short story should feel complete when you are done reading it, instead of making you wonder where the rest of the information is. I do like the plot, but it feels like it is just one scene from a much larger tale.
This would be more fun if it had more words to find :( It was too quick and not enough things to search for. I like the topic but there are thousands of things you could add!
This is an excellent story. I think you executed the plot quite well. I am not sure, however, about all of the use of the word "and"...this makes for a bit of repetitiveness; sort of feels like you are reading "blah, blah, blah and...blah, blah, blah and..." Perhaps a few of them could be changed to smoother flowing conjunctions.
Overall, however, I get a great idea of character in Mason. I can certainly identify with his senses of depression and regret, as I think most readers will be able to do.
Congratulations on winning the contest!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writestuffmom
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 4:04am on Jun 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
