Bouncing off the comfort zone

Why am I so tired all the time, she thought after sleeping so well - just last night. Her yawning didn't feel so nice in her opinion. Maybe she needed an energy boost. Hadn't she got that gym membership? Turning on her iPhone, she googled "pro-ana keeping busy with exercise." Now, there was a strong signal to Google in her mind, that she was determined to lose her obese weight. Of course, she had been told that exercise only makes you gain more fat, because you 'secretly reward yourself' with food after all the hard work, so that wouldn't help her situation of being obese class III, either. Hadn't she been a couple of kilos lighter for almost two years, and kept her "fear weight" barely out of the number on a scales, that was 120 kg. Yes, 117 kg had been where she had been stuck for almost 1,5 years.

So hypocritical, and she hated herself for it. She had always been a picky eater and ate in secret. It's not like her mum and stepdad had their crazy eating and drinking and vomiting hobbies... of which she had felt her own accusations and being called nasty things from those two. Why is it that she never knew these things, before someone told her facts that involved her. She didn't know why, but somehow she knew deep down it was all for fault. And she ate. Though she didn't enjoy eating but made sure to finish her plate and cup.

So, what did she google now? myproana forum, that stuff was too addicting for a while, to watch those skeletal girls and so on, but it did nothing to her. Someone mentions a website called fantasyfeeders, and reading the stories on there to keep themselves busy from, not eating??
Then she types in the address of that website. Reads some stories and registers, and... is she not a gainer? She has probably lost and gained her weight in her 28 years of living already, probably. She feels fat, ugly, and she is already having trouble cutting her toenails. I will never admire those women, the way those feederism people do... I hate eating. I really do... and I don't want to numb myself with food.

Hadn't she just been so tired of everything, it was making her yawn... of her work, of her school, and it was getting cold and dark outside in winter.

She uploaded her profile picture. Yes, all pictures of her showed how fat she was.
Her thunder thighs, big bum, all of it was so big.
She felt she didn't even fit the length of her camera's lens sometimes.
After four first hours of trying out the site, she had indeed found a feeder already. What sort of buffet would she have to go to? If, she would puke precious food when taken to another buffet...

It was all a new adventure in her so fat life. From a measly 66kg seven years ago, to a future 140 kgs in some distant or near future. She would have to be careful not to get too much health conditions. Her waist was 118 cm already, she was at high risk of heart conditions... but at a cellular level, she worked fine. No one made cute skirts to this fat women cheaply enough! Her wallet had suffered from always trying to keep herself clothed, maybe even fed...

It was just, her almost half percentage of fat, that was left to nagging deep in her mind. How long can I live with all this extra around me, she was thinking. How glamorous is my life, really... how severely do I have to get fat that people start to care, or even love me more... maybe she could drown these thoughts again, numb herself more, deserve some nourishing dessert after two full plates of plain dinner...

This Sunday had been a real discovery of hers, of the fat life she was leading and the fat-deception she suffered. She was nowhere near catching an eating disorder... sure she had trouble with eating, depression, and a diagnosis, but she would have to stop ever fantasizing at being back at a normal weight. She was long gone from being able to wear what the skinny, she wanted. She couldn't exercise so much again. She admitted losing to her severe eating, the obesity, the reality of it all...
Her new lover was sugar, carbs, fat, nicotine, more sugar and carbs, and sometimes whatever she liked to have.