The Confession

“I haven’t done this before, sir, so please be patient with me. I have seen this kind of thing in movies, though, and I’ll try to do it the way I remember they did it. OK, here goes.”

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. By the way, I’m not Catholic. Does that matter? Oh well. Anyway, let me tell you why I’m here.”

“It started with the bake sale you had in the parking lot a few weeks ago. You gotta understand that I had a really tough morning at work. So by noon, I was starving. On my lunch break I walked to the pizza shop on Elm street, I love pepperoni pizza. But when I got there, I realized I left my wallet in my jacket pocket back at the office. So on my way back, when I went by your bake sale, I snuck a package of chocolate chip cookies into my pocket. They were really good. But then I felt terrible about it and it’s been eating at me all week.”

“Ha, eating at me. Get it? Sorry.”

“Anyway, so then there’s what happened last Sunday. You see, I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t know why. I think I’m an OK guy. Anyway, last Sunday I sat in front of the TV all day watching movies. Well, to be honest, dirty movies, on the Playboy channel. Which is bad enough I’m, sure. But because of that I totally forgot it was my Mom’s birthday. She’s fifty now, though she doesn’t look a day over 40. And the family was putting on a big party for her. And I was supposed to pick up the cake and bring it over.”

“Well, at five o’clock, my sister Monica calls and yells at me demanding where the hell the cake is. Oops, sorry. Where the heck the cake is. So I got dressed and sped over to the bakery and got the cake. Then on the way to Mom’s house I was in such a rush I had to slam on the brakes at a red light. When they opened the box at the party, the cake looked like it had been thrown against a wall.”

“Anyway, I guess that’s it, Father. I felt so bad about everything I thought my doing a confession might help. So anyway, what happens now?”

“Father? Sir? You still there? Wait, is that snoring? Have you been sleeping this whole time?”

“Huh. You know, even though you probably didn’t hear a single thing I said, I really do feel better. Getting it off my chest, I mean. You know, maybe I will come to church sometimes.”