"My Sweet Baby"

"My Sweet Baby"
By: Sugaree

Dearest Son,

         Since this is my last day, I’d like to spend it with you, my sweet baby. There have been a few misunderstandings throughout our time. I need to tell you a few things about myself. I need for you to listen and do it well.

         When you were born, I cried. Not because your little face was all crinkly and your head had a funny shape. No, not at all. I cried because I’d never known love like that. I never imagined that I could love so much, so fast and so hard as when my eyes lay upon my sweet baby’s face- YOU.

         I placed my finger in your little hand and you grabbed mine and I cried again cause to me that was a sign that you loved me too, that you needed me as much as I needed you. We were both blessed. I finally had someone in my life that needed me as much as I needed them. I knew that no one on this earth would love me more than you would. You stared at me and I stared at you. On your delivery table, as cold and hard as it was and as hard as your labor had been for both of us, we bonded right then and right there.

         Your little round face beckoned the first kiss you ever had in life. In slow motion, my lips met your tender fat and well nourished, tender, sweet cheeks and you tried to chew me. You were hungry for life immediately. I guess you knew that I was food for your mind and body. You were right. See, from that point on, all of your needs is what I anticipated. I knew breast feeding was the best nourishment that you could have so long as I committed to self-care and so I committed to a healthy life in order to feed you life. You were a very healthy baby. I did my job. Thank you Grandma for making me understand healthy food. Thank you WIC for providing constant nourishment when my husband and I couldn't provide it despite the fact that your daddy was in the United States Military.

         You drank from the fountains God gifted me with. I looked down as you suckled unto your mother with yet another tear. I was so delighted that you were here safely, complication free, alive. You had all of your fingers and toes and health. It had been a struggle carrying you because of some genetic inheritances but we made it through those times with prayer and wisdom from women that had been there and done that. I thanked God for the wisdom to know that I should listen and learn from my elders.

         The day we went home, I smiled all day, even at night when you wanted more to drink at three a. m. then five a. m. then six and on until you were old enough to eat from a spoon. I loved you unconditionally then and that love never perished. I still love you the same today. I may seem tough but there comes a time when you let the bird use his own wings cause how else will he learn that he can only depend on self, of course with the Leading Hand of his God.

         Then I fed you all of the things God placed on this land for your health. From every food group you ate with mommy’s special Cajun culinary skills with much delight. You used to get real excited when it was what you called, “Eat-eat time.” Even when times were hard on me as a single woman, those nourishments, you never missed. A real woman does whatever it takes to feed her youngone. You know the old saying, "it might not be what you want, but it's what you need...Or, that one that goes, "God might not do what we want, when we want it, but He sure is one time." Even when times were not so Godly in Chicagoland, you were well nourished, sweety.

         You started walking and I was right there to show you how to get back up when you would fall, despite how hard you fell or how much it hurt you and ultimately me, yo Mama. I knew that life would be like that. I knew that when you learned how to walk then, you would learn to walk tall and hard as a real man. You'll learn that you have to keep getting up.

         I need for you to remember that lesson if you never remember anything else in life. Times will get hard but just keep on trying, keep getting up like you learned at nine-months. Keep your head up despite the pain, the trials and the tribulations. What may be a downfall, however, is that you always had carpet to catch you. I sure hope that carpet wont be your major downfall as a grown man.

         Most of all, keep God in your life and love thy neighbor, as you would have them love you. I don't mean be a fool. When you read the Bible, you will learn what God has to say about a fool. Just don't be one. He wants you to seek wisdom cause what is a man without it. I'll give you this shortcut; He's that is without wisdom is a fool. I did not paraphrase there cause when you read the Bible, you will see that God is persistent with that message. I need not attempt to rewrite His message when you should read it for yourself. I did teach you how to read, right?

         Now that you have your own child, I’m sure you know the love I felt that day you arrived on January 23rd of 1983. It was a snowy day in South Holland, Illinois. It was such a beautiful day. Everything and everywhere was crystal white. I never appreciated snow the way I did that day. It truly was a bright day.

         I dreamt of the day you’d be old enough to build a snowman and make angels and go sledding with your father while I made hot cocoa and home-made cookie while I watched you and your beloved dad outside from my kitchen window with an apron wrapped snuggly around my 'post child-birth' thin waist.

         Haha. It did finally go down to the normal size but only after you were two years old. Maybe chasing you around did it finally.

         That was okay with me though. I loved you and the reason my waistline was larger so it really didn’t matter. You smiled and loved me anyway. Do you still love me like that? I want to know.

         When you were sick, I was sick. Any pain you felt, I felt. The bond was kismick. When you were sick at night, I sat by your bedside and nursed you back to health and prayed to God.

         I watched you go into your first elementary class room with the new fashions on, a full belly and with knowledge much beyond your five years. You were so smart. Teaching you was such a pleasure.

         I met you after school and we walked home hand and hand as you told me of your exciting first day at school. You kissed and hugged me right in front of all of your little playmates. I sniggled cause I knew that one day you'd grow out of that when you became a 'big-boy.' Till then, I enjoyed.

         We came home and did homework and ate dinner and watched television until it was time to snuggle you into your soft covers. I watched you sleep for many years. I felt blessed to know that my sweet baby was within arm's reach and that I could walk into your room at any time and steel a kiss from your fat little cheeks while you slept.


         Do you remember those times? Why don’t you tell me that you do instead of hurting me with illusive memories? Today is my last day and I just need to know.

With agape love,

Your mommy