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 |  The Guinea Pig Files. Tales of Ralph, Toby and Graham |
Something a little different for you now, an interview between Massive Friendly Derg  and a group of ventriloquistically articulated cavies. (tj-Merry Mischief Maker  please note that the juggling can generally be taken as read.)Massive Friendly Derg : Ok. Ralph & Gregory. I know you are excited, but try to keep the antics to a minimum if Guinea-Pigly possible.GUINEA PIG TWO (Toby): Hang on, hang on. There are three of us you know. GUINEA PIG THREE (Graham): Gweep! GUINEA PIG ONE (Ralph): And Gregory? Gregory's the stand in. Graham on the other hand is erm... Well he's the Graham. Graham: That's right, I'm the one and only. Toby: Are you sure about that Graham old chap, I mean there's bound to be other guinea pigs named Graham in the world, what with the general obsession with alliterative names and so on. Graham: Well I'm the only guinea pig named Graham who's part of this uni-cycular juggling ventriloquism act then. Massive Friendly Derg : Tell our readers how you got into the biz.Ralph: We were sitting in our pen in Buystuff4yrPets, the Buddleigh Salterton branch, and minding our own business. Graham: I was listening to the radio - they have it one sometimes, "Get all your Christmas shopping at Buystuff4yrPets - that is if you're buying for your pets at Christmas of course I mean..." Ralph (Interrupting and giving Graham a glare that says "that's quite enough of that."): When this odd chap came along and said 'They'll do, those three.' Ten minutes later we were in boxes and being juggled down the high street. Massive Friendly Derg : I see. Well tell us, what are your favourite foods?Toby: Oooh can't beat a good dandelion. Graham: Yes, dandelion for me too. Ralph: Personally, I like a simple peasant dish of pate de foie gras, with a fresh baguette and a bottle of Coteaux de l'Aubance to set it off perfectly. (Graham and Toby exchange 'poser' glances) Massive Friendly Derg : Is there any truth to the rumour that Greg here sleeps in socks?Ralph: Gregory's sleeping habits are a mystery known only unto himself. Graham: I sleep in my pyjamas, which are yellow striped silk. Sometimes I wear a smoking cap too, if it's a bit chilly. Massive Friendly Derg : Whatever did happen to the snowball in the freezer?Toby: We stuck a smaller one on top and added a few bits and bobs and now it's a whole snowman diorama. Ralph: I did the ducks on the frozen pond with some cotton wool balls. Massive Friendly Derg : Is Greg really allergic to plaid?Graham: He's really obsessed with Gregory. Toby: I noticed. Is Gregory allergic to plaid? Ralph: I think it fair to say he doesn't like bagpipes much, and we'll leave it at that. Massive Friendly Derg : In conclusion, do you have any advice to share?Graham: Procrastination is for losers. Always put off procrastinating as long as possible. Ralph: If you pay peanuts you get monkeys. Toby: I'd advise you to stop now. |
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