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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
It's October 7. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions all day. I had to choose between attending an October 7 commemorative event or going to a Bar Mitzvah. I went to the Bar Mitzvah. It was nice to break from heartache to celebrate life. Watching a kid juggle fire was definitely a welcomed distraction, though I am thankful that I am not his mom. I mean, can you imagine?  It wasn't until this evening after listening to the story of Ori, who was killed after 11 months in captivity, that I started reflecting on the past year. It was exactly 365 days ago that I danced with the ladies that I danced with tonight. The big difference is that they are no longer strangers and we now share common memories. Ori has been my face of October 7th for many, many months. Knowing how he died will not change that. Part of me feels a bit guilty for ending the day feeling so blessed, but part of me just wants to relish in this feeling. I know that some people hate my decision to convert. I know that some people think that I am nuts for doing this after seeing everything has happened in the past year. My heart breaks now and has broken repeatedly over the past year. But, at the same time, my heart feels full and my life is on the right path. I can feel to my very core that what I am doing right now is right. This is my way to live. I feel so blessed that I get to wake up every morning and pray and go to sleep after praying at night. I feel so blessed that I get to pray with friends throughout the week. I feel so blessed that I get to study Torah with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to study halacha with Rabbis and friends. I feel so blessed that I get to read Hebrew and study the Torah in Hebrew, and read prayers in Hebrew, and understand Hebrew conversation (a little bit). I feel so blessed that my days are so full of learning and helping others that Shabbat feels always within reach and never far away. I'm going to go to bed after praying for the hostages and the soldier and all Israel still feeling blessed, because I am blessed. I love you Hashem with everything I am. |
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