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| “For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.” ~ Romans 1:20 In need of quality time with God today, I skipped church, let the answering machine pick up every phone call, and ignored my computer. Dave had to work, and I left Rufus downstairs. I struggled with a few things this week, and they all culminated into a single mess last night. The mess itself is irrelevant, but what God shared with me is not. It also ties into my earlier entry about prayer, as well as how I wanted to share more, but didn’t have the words. After God and I chatted, I turned on the television and saw TLC was playing the first three episodes of Planet Earth. I heard a lot of excellent reviews, and the advertisements also intrigued me enough I wanted to watch them. From North Pole to South Pole, from the tops of the highest mountains to the depths of the oceans, I was left in awe of God’s power, and creativity. Also evident was his love of that creation. For every creature, he gave them everything they needed to survive. Though stalked by wolves, the impala was not without means to escape. Though attacked by a great white shark, the seal had certain innate advantages. Sure, some animals lost their lives, but that’s how God made it. If some didn’t die, others would perish. He cared enough about every single species, no matter how large or small, to give them just enough that though some would perish, the species would survive, and even thrive. The show began (paraphrased): “Earth is a lucky planet. Life teems because it is not too far from the Sun, or too close, but just right.” In many ways the earth can seem a small place, especially with all the technology at my fingertips where I can talk to people from around the world, and I can see any part of the planet in amazing detail with the click of a mouse. Still, this series showed me how small I am in comparison to this very tiny planet revolving around an insignificant sun that could easily get lost with all the other suns making up one of the outer arms of the Milky Way Galaxy. I tried to compare me to the size of this planet. If I were the size of the Earth, little me would be a thousand times smaller than a single bacterium wiggling on my cheek. What is all of creation compared to the size of God who thought it all up? What, then, am I to God? Why should he pay any more attention to me than I pay to that little bacterium? Most of us know John 3:16 by heart. To many that one scripture says everything. For me, though, it’s not enough. To die for the world, for countless billions of people, is one thing. Yet it’s almost impersonal. It shows God as still far above looking only at the big picture of the past, present, and future. The individual is still insignificant. What if Jesus didn’t die just for the world? What if he also died for me? What if he thought of me as he endured betrayal, flogging, horrific insults, carry his cross up a hill, and finally the excruciating death of crucifixion? What if he cried out, “Father, forgive Andra, for she knows not what she does?” Why would the God of creation humble himself by taking the form of a human and endure a terrible death for the rest of humanity - for me? He had absolutely no reason to. After all, if he can think me into existence, he can think me out of it. I firmly believe he has the capacity to forget I ever existed, and therefore would never miss me. My recent difficulties arose from a misunderstanding. Worrying over it to the point I was making myself sick, I finally decided to lay it all on the line. By confessing and bringing everything I was thinking and feeling out into the open, I no longer felt imprisoned by them. I also read the comments left in yesterday’s entry. If you haven’t, please read them. They will inspire you as they inspired me. By opening myself up last night, I realized I used to have something God gave me at birth that either the world or me tried to kill. These days I give of myself pretty easily. I was even more so as a child. It used to drive my mom insane because that openness caused me a lot of pain. So I tried to kill it. I ended up building walls around myself so tight no one could get through them, not even me. Damn, but that's a lonely place. God showed me these last two days I still have much of that wall still around me. I need to tear it down, because it's that innate openness and generosity that makes me special - *wipes away tears and snot all over sleeves before it drips on keyboard* God telling me I'm special, now that's a feeling I can't put into words. I know what you’re thinking! You want to tell me I am special, always have been special, and that I never should have doubted it. It’s no insult to you, but a human being telling me I’m special is a far cry from God telling me I’m special. In the times I made myself vulnerable, God used it to touch others. I have not only the comments here, but private emails showing that to be the case. The emails especially would make you weep if you read them. How God will use me next I don't care at this point, nor should I. I simply have to be the person God made me to be, and he'll take care of the rest. This recent episode brought me that much closer. So why would God take the time to tell insignificant, little-bacterium-squirming-on-the-face-of-a-planet me I’m special to him? As simplistic as it sounds, it’s because God is Love. Only a God of his immensity could have a heart big enough to show his complete and unwavering love and devotion to every person past, present, and future as if that one person was all he had to love. |
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