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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| I've pretty much went all week without being online and after going several days, I kinda forget why I am online so much. I don't know, last week, it was like every single night, for 3-4 hours, and it just seemed like too much. Monday night I just went to bed. Tuesday I was out with Shorty until like 1 am, I didn't get back home til 1:30. Wednesday, I just felt sick to my stomach. Tuesday and Wednesday both, I couldn't sleep until 3 a.m., I kept laying in bed, just wide awake, and thinking. It was Tuesday I started feeling some better about things that've been bugging me for the past couple of weeks... just all the sudden, finally. It was weird how it happened. I've been worried about school, having to pay back loans (19k already, another 18k this year possibly), the possible interview for an assistantship, getting a job. On top of all that, I've been around my parents too long, my father's negativity, missing Manda, wanting to change things about myself, etc. I overthink things too much anyway... so that certainly doesn't help. When I'm around Manda, she helps me stop doing that because she'll make me take breaks and actually ya know try to enjoy the moment rather than worrying about what I'm gonna do about stuff that hasn't even happened yet. I worry too much and let it get to me. Things will work out, they always do, somehow and someway. Worrying isn't going to help. Having an a lil bit of a plan, will. I've had several people ask me what I plan on doing in the next couple of years and... the last time that happened, I actually listened to myself instead of just rambling it off and realized that I'm gonna be okay. I have to constantly remind myself of these things. (Yea, worrying = big problem of mine.) There were several things I wanted to change. Realized the only way to change them, at least for me, is to make a lil bit of a plan. Not go overboard, but just... something to guide me. So I've been trying to do that and hopefully soon I'll really start doing it a lil better. I was talking the other day and realized something that's probably going to seem a lil cocky, especially to someone who doesn't know me, but I feel like I can do most anything I put my mind to doing. Of course, in some areas, I'd have to REALLY want to do it. I used to feel like I couldn't do anything, then I felt like once I was doing whatever it was I "couldn't" that I wasn't doing it right enough. (Perfectionism, boo) It was just nice to realize apparently I do have some confidence in myself. Seems like that's been something that I've not realized that much until now. Talked to several people the other day, people that've been around me most all my life. It was just kinda odd. Finally saw these people like I've not seen them before. For example, rather than it being one of my grandmother's closest friends, it was just this lady as herself. I doubt this makes as much sense as it does in my head. Earlier in the summer, I spent probably an hour just talking to Manda's mom about a couple different things, most of it was politics. First time I've ever been that open about my views with anyone, really, other than Manda. I've been able to talk to her mom, better than most people older than me, for over a year now. It was withouth Manda around too, which in a way, made it all the more unusual and interesting. I don't think I've ever talked to any of my friend's parents that well without them around. Anyway, I'm not as scared as I was or as I have been for a good chunk of the summer. I've been nervous and scared so much. Now, finally, I'm coming around. Took me damn long enough. I keep realizing different things about me, about perhaps, how I've changed. I remember feeling confident like this before... but it seems like it's been so far ago. I finally feel like I'm actually ready to make new friends... I've wanted to for a year or more, but just... hadn't really felt ready. I let Tyler in too deep, too fast, and there's 1 lesson. But I've refused to take chances on new people for too long, there's another lesson. In a way, I'd forgotton how much I like to talk to people, to get to know them. I love talking to Manda... always have. When we first met, we'd stay up for several hours, just talking about different stuff. There's been a more recent habit of us talking, especially when she's bathing, I don't know why, but it is... and that's one of my favorite things to recall when I'm missing her. So, at the same time I was becoming friends with Tyler, I was becoming friends with Manda... there's you lesson number 3. I focused my mind on the negative experience rather than the positive one. (Tsk tsk on me.) I talked to a online friend a week or so ago, I hadn't talked to her in years. She was young when we first started talking, but she was interesting. Plus, I always remember when I was young and had people to talk that were older, it was nice for a change. Anyway, she's about to start college and was asking me about my experiences with it. As I was talking to her, I realized that I enjoyed the hell out of those 5 years. I hadn't really thought about how much I enjoyed them until then. Hopefully I'll keep on enjoying school. Ah, speaking of online friends. Because Manda was trying to find one of hers, I decided to look for one of mine. I found him, it's been probably 5 years since I last spoke to him (briefly) and 10 years since we talked regularly. We've sent messages over facebook, I've heard from him once, but hopefully I'll stay in contact with him. He was a pretty good influence on me as a kid. Probably part of the reason I learned to trust dorks so much, haha. Oh, adding to the worrying I've done this summer, I've been so concerned with making sure that this route (becoming a counselor) is something that I want to do. I've pretty much reached the conclusion it is. That I am excited about it, etc. But in addition to that... even if it turns out it isn't what I want to do the rest of my life... I can always go back to school and pick something else. Or find something else. No need to worry about it now. I'm as sure as I can be and that's all I can expect of myself. I'll be interviewing on August 6th for an assistantship. I'm trying to make sure I feel confident before I go to it. I don't have to get it, but it would make things a lot easier if I do, well in a way. Adding 20 hours of work onto 12 hours (+) of grad school, probably won't be easy. But, the fact that they pay for the out of state fees and possibly all of my tuition and pay 1300 a month would make things easier. I've also been thinking, if I can try to save about half of what I make, especially if I do it for 2 years, then I should be able to pay over half of what I owe for undergrad. That would be really awesome. So far, I like the guy that I've been talking to. He seems friendly and has a sense of humor. Like him a lot better than the other guy I interviewed with, plus I like the sounds of this job better than the previous one. My parents were supposed to help me pay for school... I've given up on that. Okay, on that note, I'm about to finally go to bed. I wanna get up in the morning and run a few errands. I'm gonna go to the library for a lil bit, finish getting my dad his shows that he wants so much. Then to get my hair cut again before school starts back. I don't think I can take that guy playing in my hair for as long as he did again. I don't like to do a lot with my hair, I admit it. I mean, it does what I want it to do. The other day, it looked really good, then I realized the only time I'd brushed it was right after I'd gotten out of the shower and this was the day after that. I'd slept and it still looked good without me messing with it. People compliment it fairly often.... so I got a good thing going, why bother changing it a whole lot?? I am keeping the layers as I figure this is in part the biggest reason why I was able to sleep on it, not brush it, and still have it looking good. Ah, got a new book today... it's called Nasty Astrology. It's pretty neat... it basically talks crap about all the signs rather than trying to make you feel all nice and fuzzy inside. It's kinda interesting. I figure I'll read through it a few times and probably sell it, but it was worth a few dollars. |
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