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My musings, my rambles and I welcome you. |
| Then in 1997: I was born in a log cabin.... Oops wrong story sorry. My childhood was filled with poverty, fear, despair, and abuse. And prejudice. I grew up wanting to believe in God but found it seemed like a lot of fairy tales and myths. I was raise Roman Catholic but I had parents who were traditionalist not necessarily believers. We were the only Roman Catholics on my mother's side of the family. My "Christian" cousins and uncles delighted in telling me I was going to hell because I was not "saved”. Whatever that meant. By the time I reached college I thought all Christian religion was bull**** . I drifted into atheism and then into the New Age movement. Finally, I took a course in New Testament writings as a requirement for the Methodist college I attended. I read for myself the the words Jesus spoke. I finished the class and prayed. "Lord, if You are out there, then I want to find You. I want to find the Truth. I need to know for myself that You are Real." About a year later, a friend invited me to a singles' Bible study. She said "Lani let's meet some nice men for a change." I found that everyone at this church had been raised Christian. I couldn't keep up. I had to read my Bible and study. Then I read ICorth. 1:20. "Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?" It broke my hard heart because I had been trying to rationalize God. Find a Reason to Believe. God is so much more than I could even imagine or know. Faith is all you have when nothing makes sense. God also has a sense of humor. That reading on wisdom found me April 1st 1989. I gave my heart to Jesus and now I am a fool for Christ. This is way too long. Remind me to tell y’all sometime how Jesus sent me to Texas and then Hawaii for discipleship. Now in 2008 I'm not so pert or so flip. Life changes you sometimes not for the better.I've had two major episodes of depression, been diagnosised with ADD, had a miscarriage and now at 47 have come to realize I may never have children. I became aware of how much I've change when Amy a co-worker asked me what kind of music I listened to. I told her Mercy Me, Steven C. Chapman and Point of Grace. When she said she had never heard of those groups, I said that they were Christian artists. She started laughing and said, "I didn't know you were a Christian." The surprise must of showed on my face because she said "I knew you were a good person but not a Christain." Now I've had many discussion of spirtural and religious stuff at work but, not with this co worker. There was a time when I was more open about my faith. But my job seems to be on one of the front lines of suffering and moral uncertainities. It wears on your soul. Sometimes I think of the Parable of the Seeds that Jesus tells. Seeds of the Word of God that fell on rocky soil, seeds snatched up by birds,seeds that fell into good soil but were choked by weeds. I feel like my seed fell into weeds. The weeds are suppose to represent the cares of this world and they choke out the plant so they produce no fruit. I haven't produced any fruit in along time. At least not at work. A place where I spend most of my time. I'm not sure what my next move is to be. Going back to church instead listening on podcast would be a start. Feels like my soul needs to be bushedhogged. The problem is that the weeds is a good place to hide from others, from myself, and from God. Time to cut some weeds |
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