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 |  My second journal here. My new beginnings. |
| I’ve moved to a different area in my office (yet again) but I like it here so much better. Already. Things are all tidy in my cube and I’m in a more private area. Nobody is constantly behind my back or next to me talking loudly at the water cooler or while getting coffee. No one is telling me how “we” need to get a work order for this or “we” need to get a work order for that. “We” meaning me… I already like working for my new supervisor. She’s a little less….wild and loud and all over the place. Not really laid back but she’s getting things done. Getting me access to things I need access to. I wonder why I don’t already have that access after 4 months of having this position. Whether it’s just been neglected or my role has changed slightly, I don’t know. I don’t even KNOW if my role has changed at all. I don’t know anything. I do what I’m told and that’s it. And like yesterday, when I get told to do something by one person and questioned about it by another I feel like an idiot. I want to scream at these people. They look at me like I’m an idiot. Honestly, they look at me like they expect me to screw up yet I continue to prove that I’m not the one making the mistakes here. I consistently point things like that out (thank goodness for saving emails). But I still don’t know things and I feel like I’m expected too. I’m a hard worker and I hate looking like I’m doing things wrong because no one has told me how to do them right. I’m really stressed. I’m as stressed as I’ve ever been. Not because of one thing for an hour or a few days even. It’s been escalating for weeks. My heart flutters all day long. Literally, it will skip a beat. When I feel the little bubble in my chest I check my pulse and wait for it to happen again. And when it does, I feel my heart stop beating for a split second. I’ve researched and it’s apparently not dangerous but due to stress and lots of caffeine. That makes sense. And I wonder if I have any real reason to be stressed. I’ve let my eating habits slip up. All I want to do is sleep. I have to control impulses to buy stupid shit I don’t need. (Hence the ugly white lamp I bought because it was on clearance despite having anywhere to put it.) I had to leave work early because I just couldn’t be here. I just couldn’t. And then I got even more depressed because I felt like I was letting the fiancé down. Because I’m still with a contracting company, I don’t get paid when I take time off. And I really need to save this money for the honeymoon. I'm so afraid I'm going to let us down. I have such a good fiancé. I wonder what I did in life to deserve him and win his heart. He tells me we’ll be okay. We’re a team, we’re in this together. He tells me that I’m strong and I can do this. He tells me he won’t let anything happen to me, that I’m his number one. Even being stressed…maybe even a little depressed, it’s still better having him around. As he loaded all of our grocery bags onto one arm just so I didn’t have to carry anything, I smiled at him through my tears because of his encouraging words. At that exact moment in time, I had no reasons for stress. Much love and happiness,  Elaine Bradley |
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