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Writings about death, relationships, feelings, and time |
| Sometimes you just have to be alright. All right with you, all right with the world, and all right with the decisions that others make. You have to understand very clearly that you can only change you, and that alone is a very hard job. Being the mother of four children has been my greatest accomplishment, my greatest joy, my greatest disappointment, my greatest setback, AND my greatest love! The songwriter wrote, "You bring me joy!" They bring me joy, but they always remind me that the most beautiful rose in the garden still has thorns. I am one of those mothers who live for and through their children. I wanted to be there for them through thick and thin. I wanted to make up for the loss of their father through a rather mild and meek divorce. I wanted them to have everything they needed, most of what they wanted, and all of what I was able to give. They would never do without or suffer from need as I had as a child. These desires and that mind set have kept me going for the past forty-five (45) years. I have spent so much time in making sure that my children and grandchildren make it that I have become consumed. I should explain consumed. Consumed does not mean that I have not had a rich life. I have had more than a rich life by most people's standards. I have earned a six figure income (six figures left of the decimal). I own two properties. I own an RV, Ford expedition, and a Ford Escape. I have a fairly decent retirement, a timeshare and a vacation share. I am able to help my children on some financial level here and there as well as provide for and take care of some of my grandchildren's needs. I have dined with elected officials from across the State of Maryland, including a few governors of the State. I believe I am well respected throughout the State and especially in my community. In some circles, I am even viewed as a social butterfly. So, when I say I have been consumed by my love and desires for my children, I do not mean that I am drowning. Just overly concerned for entirely too long! I live on a dime. I am constantly in demand. I worry about their health, their well-being, their finances, their decisions, and even their diets. I spend more attention to them than I do to me even though all of my children are over the age of thirty-five (35). Now, let me be clear. They do not ask for all of this attention, and over the past several years, made it quite clear that I should get a life. With all of what I wrote in the previous paragraph, and that is just some of the life I have lived, I swore that I had a life and that I was living it to the fullest. NOT! For the past few years, I have wondered why I have never had the empty-nest syndrome that all of my friends have gone through and/or talked about. I just did not understand what everyone was talking about. My four children were all grown, married and gone, but still no empty-nest. Why not? Quick answer. They were grown, married and gone, but I was still hovering over them and every decision, every setback, every crisis, every, every little thing required my input, my two-cents, and my approval (or disapproval), and certainly my feelings would be involved. So, no I did not have time for the empty-nest syndrome. My nest was full. I even took in grandchildren to prove it. My children grew up and moved on with their lives, and did not know how to get me to accept their lifestyle or their decision making capabilities even though I had taught them how to do all of those things. When you don't let go, you become stagnated. You become jaded. You wake up one day and wonder why you do not have a host of friends (girlfriends/boyfriends). Thank God there were a few people who came into my life, and really appreciated me because they were certainly not one of my priorities. Many of them could see how possessed I was with my children and grandchildren. They could see how I dropped everything when one of the children or grandchildren called. They cautioned me. They told me how spoiled my children were, but I could not see it. I was providing for them, and that was what a "good" parent did. Okay, we need a reality check here. They are not children. Even the grandchildren (six of them are over 20, and one even has a child and another one has one on the way) are mature enough to make their own decisions. And, you wonder why you keep bumping heads with the children and the grown grandchildren! Simple fact. The children have let go. They are swimming. No need to keep jumping in the water to save them. Time for them to sink or swim. Let go. Who knew that I was still holding on? Hell, I let go years ago. At least that is the lie I have told me for years, as I demanded that they celebrate every holiday with me, call me at least once a day, and otherwise keep me informed of their every move. One day, while moving at lightning speed, I suddenly realized that I have no time for me. I have no personal life, and time is slowly slipping away. Many of my relatives and friends are dying or they are very sickly, and I realize with a certainty that I have lived more time than I have left. I know that it is now or never, and I start thinking that it is truly time to start letting go of the children and grandchildren, if I plan to enjoy any of my remaining years. Suddenly, you quit. You do not want to be a part of the decision making. You are tired of birthday parties, and anniversaries, and graduations, and weddings, and a lot of other things that used to make you happy. Disney World, Six Flags, Kings Dominion, Bush Gardens, and on and on are no longer destinations to which you must purchase season passes. For real, you want to go on long cruises; see other destinations; and participate in a very different world. You do not need to continue making a name for yourself. You are okay and quite content to just skip off into the sunset, drink wine, dance, write, or just do nothing at all. Sitting in your quiet house, and enjoying the silence is alright with you.  |
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