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 |  The Journal of Someone who Squandered away Years but wishes to redeem them in the present |
| I wish I had never left. My energy currently is convoluted. Whenever I start new things like this, chaos ensues in my psyche. I used to have friends here. This is the critical stuff I need to write about the interim. I am still happily married. I have been unemployed since October 2010 (ironically, the month after my last entry - I shall have to go back to that at some point). My mother has died. She ordered my brother and all nursing staff not to inform me. I was notified she died (of cancer) the day after she died, by my brother. I got my MBA. I am a marijuana addict, and I also depend on marijuana for my asthma maintenance, particularly for cycling. Right now, I am writing because it's the only way I know how to try to save my life. Of course, there's a lot to it, and I don't really have time to catch you up on all of the details in this first entry. Remember, I'm in chaos. Dr. DeMoss. This morning I sent her the e-mail that I won't be going back to her for the time being (which in mind means forever, but never say never, and forever is not 'never'). She replied "Very good, D. Wishing you well." I knew that whatever way I chose to end my relationship (whether it's permanent or turns out to only be temporary), the grief would be one-way. And maybe that's the sentence of this entry: the grief is only one-way. That's what's killing me. I am killing me. Pouring my grief into the world, accomplishing nothing with it. I spent 16 months with Dr. DeMoss. That's as long as I was dating Rachelle, for crying out loud. I think I dragged it out too long, and I stopped seeing her because of some personal values of mine that conflict with her personal values. And because we reached the point where I could no longer overlook the fact that she had written a check (to herself) for 300K on her wal. I can't look past the love of money in someone from whom I depend on spiritual insights, whether she knows I'm depending on her for that or not (which she probably did not). It feels good to be back here. Ironically, the line of monitor blah on my laptop aligns perfectly with the left border of the text entry window. Coincidents... Dr. DeMoss was a necessary teacher in my life because she helped me see the value in living with gratitude. In the end, I need to practice that, and that is why I am here. I need to feel good, and this place worked for that, back in 2010. And earlier. But Dr. DeMoss is a Wayne Dyer/Deepak Choprah 'manifestation' advocate, and I resent those people (even though I should not) for reasons I'm not certain I fully understand. And Dr. DeMoss believes you can heal cancer with your mind, and that I could cure lifelong asthma with my mind, and that's a train I won't be boarding. I loved my spirit-freak friend Cathy from college with pure admiration; same for my friend S in Norway. But I am the son of Robert Heinlein and Thomas Magnum. I live on the earth. Good line to start a book or a chapter. I am lonely. If you're reading this, and it's 2014, please reach out to me. Loneliness kills, and that's what's going to kill me, along with looking too much at the way men live, and what they do not care to notice. The grief only goes one-way. I think I should start back at the bunny at some point. It seems as though mine is meant to be a lonely walk. I. Am. Without. A. Friend. That's the weight. But gratitude is the magnet that lifts what gravity cannot, I guess (or some shit, that was an attempt at poetic license that didn't turn out to good, but hey, at least I'm pretty in touch with the writer in me and his honesty). Mercy is my mantra right now. I need to meditate. I'm really happy to be back here, world. I do hope someone will see this and say hello. D It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn |
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