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 |   Exploring the future through the present. One day at a time. |
| Did you know 10,000 - 1 = -10,001? Many people tell me -- have told me -- that I'm a good person. Some have even said I'm beautiful. While they may all believe that without question, I know better. Because I have also been told I'm mean, and I'm ugly. Sure not as often, but the words have been spoken, and spoken honestly. Since I like math, let's say I have received a total of 10,000 compliments in my life. Those don't count because of the one time someone pointed out the mistake I made. That one time outweighs everything else and in fact turns every good deed into a negative one. Therefore, I can't be a good person. I am evil, through and through. As the mathematical equation above shows, one wrong action takes away the 10,000 good actions I've done and actually turns that +10,000 into -10,001. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Mathematically impossible, even? It should, because none of what I said above is true. Yet it feels true. Whenever I make a mistake, I mentally flagellate myself into a near depressive frenzy, and I convince myself that nothing I do will amount to anything worth, well, anything. I am a useless, horrible human being. Sometimes it gets so bad that even when I receive compliments meant to make me feel better, I want to scoff them off as only meant to make me feel better, and they're not actually true. So how do I convince myself that one wrong act doesn't wipe the slate dirty and gross? For one, it's not a contest. Nor is anyone is keeping score -- except for me. Worse, when I don't accept people's compliments, I'm calling them liars. As with every other person on this planet, dead, alive and in the future, I am both good and bad. I've done good, and I've done evil. Because of my humanity, I will continue to make mistakes, both on accident and on purpose until the day I die. I have to remind myself that I am still lovable and worthy of being loved in spite of all my evil deeds, and not hated because of them. |
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