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Scraps and scribbles from 1960 - 2015 |
| I wish I could erase those 30 years between us. I don’t know how to do that. Arms wrapped tightly around me, together we rocked back and forth on the bed. My heart was breaking and aching all at once. Aching because I had longed for this moment for most of my life. Longed for the years to be ended, erased and the heartache I felt to be eased. Breaking because those magical moments of yesterday had not returned. I fought to open my eyes, pushing against the heaviness of sleep. It was a dream, but the comfortable feeling of your arms around me lingered, permeating the air. I sighed. The warmth of your body pressing against me was….my little spaniel dog. I sighed again. The feeling of being wrapped in a warm blanket was, well, the quilt. I tried to find the source of that mellow pleasantness, tried to ground myself in my realty. It didn’t matter. As I drifted back to sleep, I returned to the dream; this has never happened before. I heard him talking. He pulled me tighter. “I waited too long to contact you. I still remember that feeling but I don’t know how to get back there”, I heard him say. “Neither do I“,I murmured, feeling your caresses in my dream. Looking at his rugged face and stroking his dark hair I wanted to hold him forever. And I wondered again why I left. If only someone had told me about their plans. If only someone had known about mine. Maybe I would still be in Kentucky. Maybe those thirty years would have been spent with you. Thinking in a dream? This is new. I felt myself reaching for a comfortable position that translated into snuggling in the crook of his arm. Comforted and relaxed, secure and warm, I did not want this incredible feeling to end. “Well darlin’”, I heard Jim say as he held me close. That mellow sensation wafted around me tugging at the corners of my heart. I heard myself whisper “Jim, don’t disappear again”. I knew I could listen to him call me ‘Darlin’ forever. Suddenly, the scene shifted and I was knee deep in snow trying to get my dog out of church to go to a concert. He kept running away and the car kept getting stuck. I was driving through downtown city streets at night, skidding and sliding about. Trying to find the concert that was being held in a refurbished fast food restaurant and gas station combo, I slid my way into a room. And there was, of all people to encounter, my late ex-husband. He still looked ‘rough’, aged and worn. I could not understand why I met up with him. We chatted about the concert, how he felt about singing and the weather. When I glanced outside as we were talking I saw that I had crashed my car, pretty badly, into a building. Why did I not remember that? Then I remembered my dog. I ran out to the car and pulled on the door to open it. Reaching inside I felt his fur. He was warm but not moving. In a panic I bolted awake. When I sat up, so did he, shaking my hand off him in the process. Looking quizzical, he pushed up on all fours, very much alive and trying to understand this sudden jolt from his warm nest on my bed. Equally as quizzical, I was also trying to understand – my dream. Forcing myself to stay awake, I was acutely aware of the warm feeling intertwined with that feeling of panic. No longer sure which was stronger, I tried to concentrate on the warm mellow feeling. Easing into my morning routine, I became aware of words and music replacing the dream images, or perhaps explaining them. From Frozen came the refrain “For the first time in forever…”. As I hummed the song, I recalled that I had not heard from Jim in several days. Mulling this over, I started the coffee and let my bewildered dog outside. Jim’s erratic contact with me should be a warning. After all I had not heard from him in over two years though he said he tried to contact me by phone. My memory is that he broke off contact. Emails became infrequent and I finally wrote him off as a fling that flopped. Surely I would have answered his calls! Still musing, I wondered about my dreams. This was the second time since his email a week ago that I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about him. Only this time it was more intense and so organized that it was hard to tell it was a dream. And what did it all mean with the segue to my late ex-husband? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?? Two cups of coffee, one load of laundry and one review later, I still have no idea. But I do know that the only two men whom I have ever dreamed about were my ex-husband and Jim. Dreams about one have always jolted and jarred my conscious mind; dreams about the other leave me waiting, wanting and softly dreamy. March 14, 2014 9:54 AM Note: Edited for clarity, punctuation and grammar 02/21/2016. |
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