Life through my Eyes

"The Loss of a Loved One"

“The Loss of a Loved One”

When you have lost a loved one and the knowledge that life will be so hard
without them in it and no matter how much it hurts.
Remember, when the grief fades, you will still have the memories.
Treasure them. It’s a gift from God!
~Teresa Blakely

Yesterday was downtime for me by ways of nature. It rained almost all day, shutting my electronics down. No, television, no wifi, and spotty phone service. That’s ok. It gave me time to reflect on what day it was. Eventually, that is after I woke from a few much-needed naps.

When I would have service, I’d make the calls I needed and check emails and such. But, two significant phone calls would turn out to be a blessing in disguise. The first was my dad, and I called to check on him. He had a heart attack about a month ago. I needed to see how his progress had been.

My dad is not much of a talker on the phone. But, yesterday, he wanted to talk, well, ask a lot of questions, that is… lol. We haven’t been involved in each other’s lives for 38 years much, mostly off and on. I try to call him every two weeks now, that way we have things to talk about. He asked where I lived and about my sons and how old my grandchildren are and what they were doing. He realized it had been 38 years since he had seen my sons and me. Made me sad in many ways that we had let the time slip away from us.

He has lived in Alaska for the past five years or so which I had no idea he had moved, until four months ago when I called him about my baby brother. Which my brother had given me dad’s new number before he had his bypass surgery.

I know that some of you have family secrets stored in the closet. You know which closet. The one labeled Secrets enter at your own risk! So, most of us throw them in and slam the door shut, sometimes nailing it shut and live with the consequences, and there are plenty of those going around. Most of them need to be aired out and patch up the cracks in the family wall, that's spliting apart.

It hadn’t dawned on me what day it was until after I called my baby sister and told her that dad wants to come to see his children. She was curious about what that meant because most of the time, he cancels seeing us and does something else with his other family. I told her that I wasn’t reading anything into it. It was the thought that counts, right now. He slurs his words, and it is difficult to understand him sometimes. I have tried repairing the damage done by others in the family, but it is hard when that person is long gone. The lies told ripped through my family 38 ½ years ago like a machete slicing through the grass on a hot summer’s day. Actually, a little blood dripping from it a time or two, which is very heartbreaking to most involved.

As we reminisced about years gone by, she asked me, “If I called because of the anniversary?”
“What anniversary?” And as soon as it left my mouth, I knew! I started to cry. She knew that moment I remembered.
“You know it’s been 39 years!” She says.
“I choked back the tears and said, “Yes, and it’s hard to believe it. I can’t believe I called dad today of all days. No wonder he was more talkative than usual. That is if he remembered the day. She asked me why he was? I told her he had to go and promised to call me back, and I thought sure if he remembers too. I told her 15 minutes later he did. My dad has called me three times in 39 years. This meant a lot to me, and as he hung up, he said that he loved me! It’s a big deal coming from him.

When you have a loved one’s loss, especially the glue to your family, it is tough to mend it back to what it once was. I mourned my mom’s death for many years. Did things to celebrate and remember her in ways that my sons would know her. But, I had little to go on because they were so young when she died. Heck, I was 22.4 years old. Never in my life did I think I would be without her, let alone my son’s and their children. Mom’s are supposed to live forever.

And she does in my heart! You may use the quote I wrote if you wish because everyone suffers a loss, and we suffered a lot in 2020. The pain, grief, and sorrow that we have out shadows the memories we have of our loved ones. I realized at that moment when my sister reminded me of the date that I had finally stopped grieving and started remembering only the love and memories of my mom. I was finally at peace with knowing that I will see her again one day.

We all process our grief in our own way and time. Everyone’s circumstances are different. So, don’t let anyone tell you to cowboy up and move on. You do have to remember that you have to live for them and tell their stories. You can't let it take you out of other's lives or everyone loses. I'm not saying you can't grief, but you have to live. That is what they would want you to do. I didn’t think I would ever get to a point that I was at peace with it and knowing that I would be okay. She’s just on vacation waiting for me to join God, her, and the rest of the family. The biggest thing is to remember the memories and try not to let them outweigh the pain of your loss. Getting past the grief is a big step in moving forward in your life. It has been 39 years for one of the greatest losses in my life and probably the hardest yet. It was a gradual process for me, but I can say that I am finally at peace.

I have had family losses in the many years since, and they too have left scars and memories to bear, but I know that the scars will disappear and the memories will emerge with a great love for those who have left us and knowing that we will be reunited once more.

My prayer for you today! Is that you always look up and ask God to wrap His loving arms around you at all times. The sense of His loving arms and their strength about you will give you the peace in your heart you need.

May God bless you and keep you. May He give you love, comfort, strength, faith, hope, and the ultimate peace with your loss and all things in your life. In our Heavenly Father’s name, Amen.