Complex Numbers

You Call That Easy?

I certainly don't want to turn this into a food blog, but, well, everyone eats occasionally, so sometimes food articles are relevant. So is "easy," because this is me we're talking about here.

Low effort, huge reward: readers recommend 10 very easy, supremely tasty recipes  
A delicious, hearty meal needn’t take much time to make. Here are some startlingly quick options for big taste sensations – from midnight spaghetti to fried green plantain

Well, that sounds good; I'm all about easy food, and...

Put enough spaghetti for two in a pot of heavily salted water and bring to the boil. Finely slice four garlic cloves, a red chilli and the stems of four leaves of rainbow chard (saving the leaves for later) and add to a frying pan with a generous glug of olive oil, then heat gently until golden. Add a couple of teaspoons of capers and a lot of ground black pepper. Roughly chop the chard leaves and a couple of handfuls of parsley. Add the chard leaves to the frying pan along with the almost-cooked spaghetti and 4 tbsp of pasta water. Turn off the heat after a minute or two, add the parsley and stir through, then serve with grated parmesan.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Maybe the Brits just have a different definition of "very easy..."

Put small pieces of vegetables (such as broccoli, pea pods, thinly sliced carrots and thin strips of cabbage), tofu cubes and/or prawns, and wakame seaweed (optional) in boiling water then simmer for 3-4 minutes until slightly tender. Turn the heat off and stir in miso paste to taste (do not boil the miso), then top with scallions [spring onions] and furikake. You can serve with rice on the side or add quick-cooking noodles with the veggies if you want.

Nope. That's a faux-miso soup recipe from someone in Minnesota (I can only assume the Guardian editors translated "shrimp" into "prawns.")

Now, look, most of these dishes look delicious; I'm not arguing that at all. But I'm not inspired to read on, because they've already complicated the first two dishes.

I mean... here's a true quick and easy recipe:

Put ham and cheese between two slices of bread along with your choice of condiments.

Here's another one:

Dump Chef Boy-Ar-Dee into a pot; heat until hot.

And a third:

Boil spaghetti; drain. Mix with tomato sauce.

And my actual definition of easy:

Remove pretzel from package.

But no, this article goes on to describe things that are the polar opposite of easy.

Top a ready-rolled sheet of puff pastry with cream cheese or soft goat’s cheese loosened with a dollop of creme fraiche (mix in some garlic, black pepper and fresh herbs if you have them), then top with tomatoes or other vegetables – roasted peppers, courgettes, aubergines, whatever you’ve got. Bake for around 30-35 minutes at 180 degrees and voilà!

Aubergines aren't food, but at least they're optional here.

And here's one from Ecuador:

Peel the plantain and chop into slices the width of your index finger; you should get between 10 and 15 slices per plantain. Fry them in hot oil, turning once or twice. Remove from the oil and leave to stand on a plate for a minute or two. Now squash them with a cup or glass so they spread into something twice their initial diameter. Return to the hot oil for another minute or so. Drain on kitchen roll, sprinkle with salt and eat. Great served with queso fresco, chilli sauce or avocado.

Sure, I have plantains sitting around.

Like I said, most of these look delicious. But by the time I've turned on ovens, operated the pressure cooker, chopped and cleaned and whatever, hell, I could have walked to Taco Bell and back. Not to mention the planning it takes to acquire the specialty ingredients.

I should turn this into a Merit Badge Mini-Contest, but I can't be arsed to do the formatting tonight. So if you've made it this far: Give me an actual "quick and easy" recipe that doesn't involve fancy, privileged ingredients or too much prep/cleaning. Let's see if we can beat the Guardian here. My favorite will get a food/cooking merit badge. As always, you have until midnight, end of the day Tuesday WDC time.