Out Like a Lamb

Benevolent Cray

There is much too much of this
the waking fear, anxiety, immediate & insistent on its asshole self
the same five pair of leggings, same five paint-spattered tank tops
the desperate empty breakfasts, the becoming of the hermit, hiding,
the happy acting on the Zoom; I never ever use the cam if I can help it
the bras & all the makeup, waiting, righteous & respectful in the drawer
the snack box re-filled daily, waiting on the porch for the delivery drivers
the call to mom, to dad, then text my bestie will neither ever dear depart?
the guilt, an only and adopted child shame all wrapped in running dialogue
(the need to tell you I don't say "bestie" I'm Gen X but it had a cooler sound)
the litter box, the coffeepot, the sheets can wait another fucking couple days
the random rage; resentment; slam the vacuum, cram the dishes in the wash
the tired mile pieces on the treadmill in the ass room, I should paint it emerald
the laptop on, job one, job two, scrabble game, shop online, scan the headlines,
the incessant checking on a poem, blog post, email correspondence, the forecast
the muffled awkward masked eye contact drugstore quick counter conversations
the ritual purring, bark & gurgle, one third of three fish wailing fuck this up & died
the avoidance of all (anti)social media where twice my mind departed in a rush
the episode in season 6 where Nellie and Laura fight in the mud over Almanzo
the voice I haven't used on humans since this past Monday when I needed milk
the attempt at meditation it ain't easy, sister, to sit alone with silence in your Self
the days avoiding everything, God bless Amazon, Goddess bless carriers of mail
the nightly call asking how my violentsilent son has done this day: it's a crap shoot
the increasingly early bedtimes can Groundhog Day be over now? It's nearly eight
the lining up the nightly gummies: multi, melatonin, the toss the motherfucking turn
the tick tock times I cannot fall, awake, the evil monkey mind silver cymbals clashing
the news, appointments, lines, the sterile ex-Sears vast and systematic vaccinations
the almost-booked vacations researched planned & ready in a so-called shopping cart
the Coronavirus era for entitled cis white silly me; one might say she's benevolent cray.


note ▼

April 12 — Excess or obsession