Dissociated Thoughts

Life: Flares and the Like

September 26, 2021 - 11:01 PM (Texas time)

I wish I could say today has been a good one, but I would be lying, and that is something I try very hard not to do. I'm in the midst of a flare. Lupus has a way of making a person think they're doing good then wham! you're broadsided by a flare of one kind or another. My skin and my kidneys are really feeling it right now. Any small amount of pressure on my skin is agony and there is a rash covering my forearms and elbows and calves. The rash is just tedious, as it keeps me from being able to sleep. The kidneys, well, they have hurt worse before so I'm pretty sure I'll survive. I try so hard to be strong. I hide as much of my pain as I can from my loved ones. I don't want them to worry about me, they do enough of it already. Along with the physical problems, the head meds don't seem to be doing their job either. Maybe I'm just tired from lack of sleep because of the pain & rash and that's what is triggering the depression. I don't know. But, I cried today. Actual tears. It's been a while since I was able to produce tears (I have yet another autoimmune disease to thank for that), so I was strangely happy that I was crying - if that makes sense. If it doesn't, well welcome to my world. Everybody here except me is already lost in dreamland, snoring peacefully. Sleep is eluding me yet again. I wish I could be normal again. Not my normal, but a real normal where life isn't a series of flares and swings and seizures and doctors' visits and hospital stays. I know there are people out there who have it worse than I do. That's a given. But sometimes my circumstances tend to overwhelm me, when it all hits me at once. But, at least I can cry right now. There is that blessing. Hold your loved ones tight everyone. Let them know you love them. Tell them and show them all the time because we never know when we won't ever have that ability again. Have a good night y'all. My heart is telling me it's time to cry again. Maybe tomorrow will be a brighter day.